Quotes -  Misquotes - & One Liners

Page  11

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.   Will Rogers

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Everyone's favourite radio station is WIIFM, which means "What's in it for me?    Brian Tracy



The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.   John Sladek



Hardware is the parts of a computer that can be kicked.  Jeff Pesis



In the end, everything is a gag.    Charlie Chaplin



An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.   Will Rogers



Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.    W. C. Fields


Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.   Will Rogers



I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'   Bob Newhart


The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.    Henry Kissinger



He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.   Anonymous


A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.   W. C. Fields


Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.   W. C. Fields


I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.   W. C. Fields



I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.   W. C. Fields


I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.   W. C. Fields


A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.  
Ogden Nash

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.  
Ogden Nash


I think that I shall never see
a billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.                     
              Ogden Nash


Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.  
Ogden Nash

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.  
Ogden Nash


There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else.   Cullen Hightower



I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.- George Bush



Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.   George Burns


I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.   George Burns

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.   George Burns




Shermer's Last Law: "Any sufficiently advanced extra-terrestrial intelligence is indistinguishable from God."

Susan Blackmore
     Blackmore's First Law
People's desire to believe in the paranormal is stronger than all the
evidence that it does not exist.

Richard Dawkins     Dawkins's Law of Adversarial Debate
When two incompatible beliefs are advocated with equal intensity, the truth
does not lie half way between them.

John Maddox
     Maddox's First Law
Those who scorn the "publish or perish" principle are the most eager to see
their own manuscripts published quickly and given wide publicity--and the least
willing to see their length reduced.

Maddox's Second Law
Reviewers who are best placed to understand an author's work are the least
likely to draw attention to its achievements, but are prolific sources of minor
criticism, especially the identification of typos.

Gregory Benford     Benford's Modified Clarke Law
Any technology that does not appear magical is insufficiently advanced.

John Barrow
     Barrow's first 'law'
Any Universe simple enough to be understood is too simple to produce a mind
able to understand it.

John Rennie
     Rennie's Law of Credibility
Scientists don't always know best about matters of science-but they're more
likely to be right than the critics who make that argument.

2nd Corollary to the Law of Credibility
Any iconoclast with a scientifically unorthodox view who reminds you that
Galileo was persecuted too...ain't Galileo.

Geoffrey Miller     Miller's Law of Strange Behavior
To understand any apparently baffling behavior by another human, ask: what
status game is this individual playing, to show off which heritable traits, in
which mating market?

Martin Rees     Rees's Law
As cosmological theories advance, they will draw more concepts from biology.

Paul Steinhardt     Steinhardt's Law
Good science creates two challenging puzzles for each puzzle it resolves.

Robert Sapolsky     Sapolsky's Three Laws for Doing Science
Sapolsky's First Law
Think logically, but orthogonally.

Sapolsky's Second Law
It's okay to think about nonsense, as long as you don't believe in it.

Sapolsky's Third Law
Often, the biggest impediment to scientific progress is not what we don't
know, but what we know.

Nancy Etcoff     Etcoff's Law
Be wary of scientific dualisms. For example:
Brain vs Mind
Mind vs Body
Emotion vs Reason
Nature vs Nurture
Us vs Them

Lee Smolin
      Smolin's First Law
Genuine advances are rarely made by accident; in fact, the outcome of a
scientific investigation is usually less dramatic than originally hoped for.
Therefore, if you want to do something really significant in science, you must aim
high and you must take genuine risks.

Daniel Gilbert     Gilbert' Law
Happy people are those who do not pass up an opportunity to laugh at themselves
or to make love with someone else. Unhappy people are those who get this backwards.




A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.   Lisa Kirk


The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. -- Robert Frost



I think no innocent species of wit or pleasantry should be suppressed, and that a good pun may be admitted among the smaller excellencies of lively conversation.   James Boswell


There comes a time in every man's life and I've had many of them.   Casey Stengel



I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college.    Ross Shafer



I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.    Thomas Jefferson



For every ten jokes, thou hast got a hundred enemies." -- Laurence Sterne



The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.    Robert R. Coveyou



Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.   H. G. Wells



The prospect of a long day at the beach makes me panic. There is no harder work I can think of than taking myself off to somewhere pleasant, where I am forced to stay for hours and 'have fun'. — Phillip Lopate



An economist is a surgeon with an excellent scalpel and a rough-edged lancet, who operates beautifully on the dead and tortures the living.     Nicholas Chamfort




If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?   Scott Adams


One of the most successful inventors of all time    was the guy who invented the hay-bailing machine...   Obviously, he made a bundle!  Anon



USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.   David Letterman

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down    Anonymous



I recently found out that my credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than my wife. -- Anonymous


I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman." -- Erma Bombeck



Curious things, habits. People themselves never knew they had them.   Agatha Christie


My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.   Errol Flynn


You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty." -- Cecil Baxter



What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.   Edgar Watson Howe


The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.   Arthur C. Clarke



Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control.   Don Marquis


Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.   Mark Twain



A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.   Mark Twain


A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.   Mark Twain


A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.   Mark Twain


Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.   Mark Twain


Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain


Son, always tell the truth. Then you'll never have to remember what you said the last time.   Sam Rayburn



You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.  Al Capone



I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.  Jane Austen



There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.    L. M. Boyd



Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.   Anon


Once you've seen one shopping center,  you've seen a mall    Anon



Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.    Fran Lebowitz



A bore is a person who talks when you wish him to listen.   Ambrose Bierce



Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.   Friedrich Nietzsche


Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid."   Heinrich Heine


I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.   Hunter S. Thompson


There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.   Oscar Levant


There is no great genius without some touch of madness.   Seneca



Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.   H. L. Mencken



The White House is still celebrating their party’s sweep in the midterm elections.  President Bush was particularly happy since this is the only midterms he’s ever done well on.    Conan O'Brien



If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read President Can't Swim      Lyndon B. Johnson



People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.   Anatole France


An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out..   Will Rogers


Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?   Will Rogers



Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.   Will Rogers


Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.   Will Rogers



Never leave your wife's anniversary present in a Wal-Mart bag.

Children have more need of models than of critics

The person who pays for the pizza gets the toppings that fall off in the box.

Definition of a will: It's a dead giveaway.

Sadder than work left unfinished, is work never begun.

Remove the silver from a mirror and even a rich man won't see his face.

I don't need beauty sleep, I need a coma.

I can't remember when times were not hard and money not scarce

Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.



Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.   Oscar Wilde

America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.   Oscar Wilde

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.   Oscar Wilde


Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.   Oscar Wilde


Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.   Oscar Wilde




Proverbs in Conflict...
   Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
    Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
   A silent man is a wise one.
    A man without words is a man without thoughts.
   Look before you leap.
    He who hesitates is lost.
   Many hands make light work.
    Too many cooks spoil the broth.
   Actions speak louder than words.
    The pen is mightier than the sword.
   Clothes make the man.
    Don't judge a book by its cover.
   It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
    The nail that sticks out gets hammered.
   Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
    Better safe than sorry.







Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce: Future tense of marriage

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc...: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.




The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.   --Jay Leno



Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. -- Ogden Nash



If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.   Eubie Blake, who lived to be 100

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.  But everything else starts

to wear out, fall out, or spread out.


~ There are three signs of old age.  The first is your loss of memory. I

forget the other two.


~ You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as

long as you don't have to go along.


~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work.


~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to

every man.  Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?


~ You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start

confiding in you.


~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.


~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go



~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have

begun to grow in the middle.


~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his

doctor instead of by the police.


~ You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the

only thing you care to exercise.


~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way

through Congress.


~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get

it started.


~ You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,

and you didn't do anything the night before.


~ The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.


~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is

that you are not a hypochondriac.


~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.


~ You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.


~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.


~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask

yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down



~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't

remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down 


In a recent survey, 86 percent of college fraternity members admitted that they've had at least five drinks in a row. The other 14 percent were out cold.   --Conan O'Brien



There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.  David Mairowitz


Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.   Ernest Hemingway

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.   Robert Benchley



My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.   Henny Youngman


And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man.   A. E. Housman

The wine urges me on, the bewitching wine, which sets even a wise man to singing and to laughing gently and rouses him up to dance and brings forth words which were better unspoken.   Homer

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.    Oscar Levant



A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn't exactly been one of moderation.   Donald Trump


Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!   Anon


I was thinking that we all learn by experience, but some of us have to go to summer school. - Peter De Vries


USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.   David Letterman



The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle...Unless, of course, you die of something.   --Guindon cartoon caption



Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.   Ambrose Bierce



Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.   Mark Twain



When a man is wrapped up in himself he makes a pretty small package.  - John Ruskin



The future will be better tomorrow.   Dan Quayle



I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.   John Wayne

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.   Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.   Dan Quayle

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.   Mariah Carey

One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.   George W. Bush, U.S. President



Maybe I just don't understand poetry. I admit it's not the first thing I reach for when I pick up something to read.   Raymond Carver



It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.   Jerry Seinfeld



The lunatics have taken charge of the asylum.   Richard RowlandWhen United Artists film corporation was formed - (UA was founded by Charlie Chaplin, Douglas Fairbanks, Mary Pickford and D.W. Griffith.)



Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.- Mickey Mouse



My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants.   George W. Bush,



I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.   Arnold Schwarzenegger


You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.   Yoga Berra



The streets are safe in Philadelphia -- it's only the people who make them unsafe.    Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

This President is going to lead us out of this recovery.   Dan Quayle


 Reading  Bumpers


-Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.


-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


-Horn broken, watch for finger.


-The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.


-If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.


-Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.


-I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.


-Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.


-Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.


-Hang up and drive.


-Lord save me from your followers.


-Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.


-Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.


-I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.


-Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.


-Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.


-Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... until you can

find a rock.


-Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off




Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral." --Robert Orben



'aerobics'   - If we're gonna charge $50 an hour, we can't call it 'Jumping Up and Down.    Anonymous gym  instructor



My brother and I are inseparable. In fact, last night it took four Mounties and a dog." --Anon



Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.  Lily Tomlin


I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!   Tom Lehrer


I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.   Tom Lehrer


The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.   Tom Lehrer



On my income tax form it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.   Tom Lehrer



President Bush addressed the nation and said when it comes to Iraq, we can't wait for final proof.  Which, of course, is the same thing he said in Florida during the presidential election.  Jay Leno



Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.  Nick Diamos



When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.   Henny Youngman



The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.   Bertrand Russell



If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.  Dick Cavett  



The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.   Calvin Trillin



Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.   Anthony Burgess



Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.   Fran Lebowitz


I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.   Mark Twain


When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'   Steven Wright



You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.    Ronald Reagan



A good deed never goes unpunished.   Gore Vidal



Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.   Gore Vidal


Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.   Gore Vidal

I'm a born-again atheist.   Gore Vidal


It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.   Gore Vidal


Oh sleep! It is a gentle thing, Beloved from pole to pole.  Samuel Taylor Coleridge


I don't think necessity is the mother of invention - invention, in my opinion, arises directly from idleness, possibly also from laziness. To save oneself trouble.   Agatha Christie


Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.   Edgar Bergen



Indolence is a delightful but distressing state; we must be doing something to be happy.   Mahatma Gandhi



Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.   Jules Renard



Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.   Will Rogers



It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.   Jackie Mason



Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.   Redd Foxx



I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers



What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.   Anon



The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.   Anon



Time wounds all heels.    Jane Ace



Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.   George Bernard Shaw



Facts are stupid things. Ronald Reagan


 At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.     Patrick Moore




January 1, 20??


This year, I resolve to...

- Gain weight.  At least 30 pounds.

- Stop exercising.  Waste of time.

- Read less.  Makes you think.

- Watch more TV.  I've been missing some good stuff.

- Procrastinate more.  Starting tomorrow.

- Spend more time at work, surfing with high speed

- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the reversing falls or tidal boring

- Not jump off a cliff / bridge / high building just because everyone else did.

- Not get ( any one else ) pregnant

- Get in a whole NEW rut!

- Start being superstitious.

- Personal goal: bring back disco.

- Not bet against George Bush

- Buy an '83 Caddy and invest in a really loud stereo system.

- Get the windows tinted.  Buy some fur for the dash.

- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

- Not buy anything from spam e-mail

- Delete the porn spam without checking the cool pictures

- Not eat cloned meat.

- Create loose ends.

- Get more toys.

- Get further in debt.

- Not believe politicians.

- Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

- Stay off the International Space Station.

- Not swim with piranhas or sharks.

- Associate with even worse business clients.

- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

- Wait around for opportunity.

- Focus on the faults of others.

- Mope about my faults.

- Give my friends more opportunities to help me out - financially - emotionally - did I mention financially.

- Never make New Year's resolutions again.




85% of women think their ass is too big.  10% of women think their ass is too little. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway. Anon


 Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!  Tommy Smothers



I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.   Jack Benny



"The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced.   -Vic Gold



"The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.     -David Brinkley



"I take the view, and always have, that if you cannot say what you are going to say in twenty minutes you ought to go away and write a book about it.    -Lord Brabazon



The shortest distance between two points is under construction.  -Noelie Altito



Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.   Bill Shankly

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.   George F. Will



Not every age is fit for childish sports.   Titus Maccius Plautus


Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.   Yogi Berra



I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.   -Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman



When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.   -Edward R. Murrow




Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.   Alfred Hitchcock



I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.   Dwight D. Eisenhower


Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.   Ann Landers



 It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.   Rod Serling



I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.   Groucho Marx


If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.   Johnny Carson



If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives.   Marlon Brando



Television is for appearing on - not for looking at.   Noel Coward



Television has raised writing to a new low.   Samuel Goldwyn



A bee is never as busy as it seems; it's just that it can't buzz any slower.    Kin Hubbard



I asked this one girl out and she said, 'You got a friend?' I said yes, she said, 'Then go out with him.    Dom Irrera



When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children.   Jonathan Katz


If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.   Doug Larson


I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.    -Steven Wright


Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.   -Daniel J. Boorstin



"The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.     -Will Rogers




Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.   George Burns



An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.    Simon Cameron



A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." -- Herm Albright



Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.    Oscar Wilde



In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on; This person must be fired. -- Unknown



The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'   Roy Blount Jr.



People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.   Leo J. Burke


When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus. -- Unknown



A computer once beat me at chess, but it was   no match for me at kick boxing.   Emo Philips



You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.     Carrie Fisher



Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.  Anon



Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.   Lily Tomlin



The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.    Robert Frost



The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.    Andrew S. Tanenbaum



Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?   Charlie McCarthy



Anyone who lives within their means  suffers from a lack of imagination.    Oscar Wilde


Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.   Ogden Nash



Even with my doctor, I don't get no respect...    I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.   Rodney Dangerfield



A diplomat...is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.    Caskie Stinnett



Microsoft announced that Bill Gates is on a four-day tour of India.  When asked why he's in India, Gates admitted that sometimes he wants to feel even richer.   Conan O'Brien



Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.  That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.    Anon



Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.     Anon



Life is a sexually transmitted disease.   Anonymous



In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact.   Marlene Dietrich



One thing I've learned in all these years is not to make love when you really don't feel it; there's probably nothing worse you can do to yourself than that.   Norman Mailer



A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.   Joan Rivers



I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.  Steven Wright



 Last week in Dallas, TX, a teacher had her baby right in the classroom. They said the school nurse showed up and made al the students leave "except, of course, for the father.    Jay Leno




The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.    Sam Levenson



You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.     Anon



Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.   Anon



Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.   Nikita Khrushchev




 I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.  Douglas Adams



 My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that to.   Peter De Vries



My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.    Mark Twain





"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will

teach you to keep your mouth shut.--Ernest Hemmingway


"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than

alcohol has taken out of me.--Winston Churchill


-He was a wise man who invented beer."--Plato


-Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.--Lady

Astor to Winston Churchill


His reply  - Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.-- Winston Churchill


When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up

reading.--Henny Youngman


Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be

Happy.--Benjamin Franklin


If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet

it makes beer shoot out your nose.--Deep Thought, Jack Handy


-The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks

behind.--Humphrey Bogart


I drink to make other people interesting.--George Jean Nathan


An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time

with his fools.--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway


-"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding

on."--Dean Martin


-"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so

let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with

beer."--Homer Simpson 




Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 opera
tor has a heart attack, whom does she/he call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where'sthat extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours and cry?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?



Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. Anon



You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.   Anon



Most all the time, the whole year round, there ain't no flies on me,  But jest 'fore Christmas I'm as good as I kin be!   Eugene Field



S P O R T  

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I

want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all

the kids to copulate me."


~New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the

upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever

comes first."


~Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody

in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like

Norman Einstein."


~Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm

going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."


~Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up

alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of

three, then line up in a circle."


~Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with

promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?

He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."


~Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps

a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget

how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."


~Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during

his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs

that we went to."


~Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at

every level, except college and pro."


~Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27

record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As

general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."


~Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager, when asked after a

loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on

lousy, no good officiating."


~Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told

him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,

'Coach,I don't know and I don't care.'


~Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John

Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."


~Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he

told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me

like you're spending too much time on one subject."


~Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he

takes his wife on all road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she

is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."




The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.   Thomas Jefferson







~A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious!


~No husband has ever been shot while doing dishes.


~A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.


~If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.


~Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


~Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.


~Help keep the kitchen clean-eat out!


~Housework done properly, can kill you.


~Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.


~My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines.




Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five

items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will

forget two of the first five.


* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to

the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.


* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your

taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.


* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what



* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted

to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.


* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only



* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will

soften when stale.  Any food that starts out soft will harden when



* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home

from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.


* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go

unnoticed.  When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the

parking lot.







Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?






Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!


Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.


Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.


Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".


Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.


Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.


"Normal": A setting on a washing machine.


Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.


Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.


Boy: A noise with dirt on it.


Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.


Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.


Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.


Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.




1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.

Tomorrow is not looking good either.


2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they

make as they go flying by.


3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along

without it.


4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the



5. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception



6. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their

level, then beat you with experience.


7. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't

be promoted.


8. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


9. Following the rules will not get the job done.


10. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it

more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone

Ranger handle this?"




From The Washington Post's Style Invitational

They asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The (2003) winners:


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high on the wall.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.





Like Wine



She said :


Men are like wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.



He said :


Women are like wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.



You may be getting up there if :



~You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.


~You can live without sex, but not without glasses.


~Your back goes out more than you do.


~You buy a compass for the dash of your car.


~You are so proud of your lawn mower.


~You sing along with the elevator music.


~You would rather go to work than stay home sick.


~You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.


~You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.


~You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.


~You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


~People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"


~You answer a question with "Because I said so!"


~The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.


~You know what the word equity means.


~You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.


~Your ears are hairier than your head.


~You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.


~You get into a heated argument about pension plans.


~You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.




Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:








Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:



"Cogito ergo sum."

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder




Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You're



Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me!

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn't -- no one wants to hear me sing!



   Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
    Never drink and derive.
   Madness takes its toll.
    Please have exact change.
   Save the whales! Trade
    them for valuable prizes.
   If you can read this,
    I can hit my brakes and sue you!
   My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...
    or something like that.
   Stop repeat offenders.
    Don't re-elect them!
   Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
   EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the
    other planets later.
   I don't have a license to kill...
    I have a learner's permit.





If you love something,

Set it free...

If it comes back, it's yours,

If it doesn't, it never was yours....



If you love somebody,

Don't ever set her free.



If you love somebody,

Set her free...

If she comes back, her super ego is dominant,

If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme,

If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.



If you love somebody,

Set her free...

If she comes back, she has brand loyalty

If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.



If you love something,

Set it free...

If it comes back, it's yours,

If it doesn't, it never was yours....

If it doesn't move, then you either gave birth to it

or you married it.



If you love somebody,

Set her free ...

If she ever comes back, she's yours,

If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.



If you love somebody,

Set her free ...

Don't worry, she will come back.



If you love somebody,

Set her free ...

If she comes back, and if you love her still,

Set her free again, repeat *



If you love somebody,

Set her free...

Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second

amendment of the matrimonial Freedom Act clearly

states that...



If you love somebody,

Set her free...

If she comes back,

I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and

tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.



For your next assignment in Creative accounting -- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget



How to speak English Properly


1.  Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2.  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3.  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4.  It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5.  Avoid cliches like the plague.  (They're old hat)

6.  Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7.  Be more or less specific.

8.  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9.  Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10.  No sentence fragments.

11.  Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12.  Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13.  Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's

highly superfluous.

14.  One should NEVER generalize.

15.  Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16.  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

17.  One-word sentences?  Eliminate.

18.  Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19.  The passive voice is to be ignored.

20.  Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.  Parenthetical words

however should be enclosed in commas.

21.  Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22.  Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23.  Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth

earth-shaking ideas.

24.  Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate

quotations. Tell me what you know."

25.  If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist

hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26.  Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27.  Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28.  Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29.  Who needs rhetorical questions?

30.  Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.


And the last one...


31.  Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail          

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