- Misquotes - Aphorisms
- & One Liners
Reality is the leading
cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. Jane Wagner
The cost of living is going
up and the chance of living is going down. Flip Wilson
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself. Jane Wagner
impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Better three hours too
soon than a minute too late. William Shakespeare
How can one better magnify
the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the
poorer ones. Samuel Beckett
Birth was the death of
him. Samuel Beckett
What I look forward to is
continued immaturity followed by death. Dave Barry
I have long been of the
opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of
it for themselves." -- Bruce Grocott
Dublin university contains
the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.
Ever tried. Ever failed.
No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
If you do not understand,
or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.
Label Warning Anon
One of the advantages of
being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. A.
Gain a modest reputation
for being unreliable and you will never be asked to do a thing.
If only God would give me
some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Some people think of the
glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the
glass as too big. George Carlin
The reason why worry kills
more people than work is that more people worry than work. Robert Frost
My one regret in life is
that I'm not someone else. Woody Allen
Money can't buy love, but
it improves your bargaining position. Christopher Marlowe
Any man whose errors take
ten years to correct is quite a man. J. Robert Oppenheimer
I don't measure a man's
success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.
George S. Patton
If a man speaks in the
forest, and there isn't a woman around to hear , is he still wrong? Anon
The world is divided into
haves and have-nots: those who have a sense of humor and those who do not..
Glory be to the Father and
to the Son and to the Whole East Coast. Sunday School anon
Give us this day our deli
bread! Sunday School anon
If I were two-faced, would
I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln
I'm not offended by all
the dumb-blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not
blonde. Dolly Parton
You can live to be a
hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a
hundred. Woody Allen
Abortion is advocated only by persons
who have themselves been born. Ronald Reagan
Facts are stupid things. Ronald Reagan
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If
it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving,
subsidise it. Ronald Reagan
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency,
even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. Ronald Reagan
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you
disgrace yourself you can always write a book. Ronald Reagan
Politics is supposed to be
the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close
resemblance to the first. Ronald Reagan
When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to
answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty. Theodore Roosevelt
Make money. Make more
money. Make other people make money.
L. Ron Hubbard
Never discuss Scientology
with the critic. Just discuss his or her crimes, known and unknown.
L. Ron Hubbard
We are slowly and
carefully teaching the unholy a lesson. It is as follows: We are not a law
enforcement agency. But we will become interested in the crimes of people who
seek to stop us. If you oppose scientology we promptly look up - and find and
expose - your crimes. If you leave us alone we will leave you alone. It's very
simple. Even a fool can grasp that. And don't underrate our ability to carry it
out. L. Ron Hubbard
Women might be able to
fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
- Remember all the years you spent watching carefully what you ate and how you
exercised so you could get an extra twenty years of life? Well, these are
those twenty years!!
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young.
- Ah, being young is beautiful... but being old is comfortable.
- Old age is when former classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald, they
don't recognize you.
- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at
when you are old.
- First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft . . . Today, it's called golf.
Q. Why did the aerobics
instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.
In real life, I assure you,
there is no such thing as algebra. Fran Lebowitz
I do not know the American gentleman , god forgive me for putting two such
the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
- In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get
- In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
- At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."
- On Dr. Lee, the urologist in Marin County, vanity plate "2P C LEE"
- At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
- On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
- In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action."
- On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
- At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
- On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
- In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
- On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
- At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
- Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming
nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
I hate music, especially when it's played. .
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to
The elevator to success is
out of order. You'll have to use the stairs...one step at a time. Joe
A scout troop consists of
twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a
kid. Jack Benny
Give me golf clubs, fresh
air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that
either. Jack Benny
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all
I can say is: when I go, they go too.
My wife Mary and I have
been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious
enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees
will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred
Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time
to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day
of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,
"That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for
it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the
sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training
manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was
called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice
president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told
that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company.
Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -
and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly
reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy
of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take
care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us
that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the
Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults
who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the
majority have no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
I don't care what people
think. people are stupid. Charles
I know that I'm never as
good or bad as any single performance. I've never believed my critics or my
worshippers, and I've always been able to leave the game at the arena.
I think that the team that
wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
If I weren't earning $3
million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in the
other direction if they saw me coming.
Kids are great. That's one
of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It's a
shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call
you names. Charles Barkley
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad
Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
A friend never defends a
husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
A friend will tell you she
saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.
All of us have moments in
out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white
carpet is one of them. Erma Bombeck
Anybody who watches three
games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
Before you try to keep up
with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you. Erma
Alexander Hamilton started
the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever
been to being even. Will Rogers
Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium
is, but I am sure it is a good thing! Mark Twain
No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the
one who's giving it. Hal Chadwick
so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say
it. Sam Levenson
To make a long story short, there's nothing like having a boss walk in.
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny. Garrison Keiller
I must say that acting was
good training for the political life that lay ahead of us.
Laugh and the world laughs
with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Life is a wretched gray
Saturday, but it has to be lived through.
Women thrive on novelty
and are easy meat for the commerce of fashion. Men prefer old pipes and torn
jackets. Anthony Burgess
impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
I have to talk to my
girlfriend every day on the phone. My husband says, 'Why do you have to talk to
her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have
to tell her?' 'Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.
I think that the film
Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I
think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.
Alicia Silverstone, Actress
When your wife says, "What
do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER
opinion, from your mouth. Unknown
Imagination must be
visited constantly, or else it begins to become restless and emit strange
bellows at embarrassing moments; ignoring it only makes it grow larger and
noisier. Patricia McKillip
The distorted shapes and
unexpected colors of mushrooms fascinated me. ... They were ancient, wild
things. No two were ever alike, and they had no roots to tie them to one place;
like curiosity, they wandered everywhere.
Those who fear the
imagination condemn it: something childish, they say, something monsterish,
misbegotten. Not all of us dream awake. But those of us who do have no choice.
The Law is everything. Moses
Love is everything. Jesus
Money is everything. Marx
Sex is everything. Freud
Everything is relative! Einstein
A hospital is no place to
be sick. Samuel Goldwyn
1. Informal...no socks
2. Semiformal.....two socks needed.
3. Formal....socks must match.
Nurse: Doctor its about
that girl who swallowed the quarter -- there has been no change yet!
I take Him shopping with
me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain.
Tammy Faye Bakker
You don't have to be dowdy
to be a Christian. Tammy Faye Bakker
There's times when I just
have to quit thinking . . . and the only way I can quit thinking is by shopping.
Tammy Faye Bakker
You can educate yourself
right out of a relationship with God.
Tammy Faye Bakker
I always say shopping is
cheaper than a psychiatrist. Tammy
Retirement: Twice as much
husband on half as much pay. Anonymous Wife
My wife thinks I put
football before marriage, even though we just celebrated our third season
together. Anonymous Husband
Try to remember that, with the exception of your parents and your children, most
people will consider you an adult. Anonymous Parent
My husband and I married for better or worse...He couldn't do better and I
couldn't do worse. Anonymous Wife
He hoped and prayed that
there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved
here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
It is no coincidence that
in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.
I love deadlines. I like
the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I may not have gone where
I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.
In the beginning the
Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely
regarded as a bad move. Douglas
In those days spirits were
brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small
furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha
Centauri. Douglas Adams
encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess.
That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. Jack Handey
only two kinds of people in the world, the Irish, and those who wish they were."
-- Irish proverb
Familiarity breeds contempt
-- and children. Mark Twain
And before they invented
drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can you set your laser printer on stun?
Is it truly possible to have a civil war?
Ah, but if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Most car accidents occur within five miles of home... why, then doesn't
everyone move 10 miles away?
And if one synchronized swimmer drowns, must the rest drown also?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
And if you are born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?
Is it not so that Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?
Everything can be filed under
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always
enough time to do it over.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of
pens that person is carrying.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
When I said during my presidential bid that I would only bring Christians and
Jews into the government, I hit a firestorm. 'What do you mean?' the media
challenged me. 'You're not going to bring atheists into the government? How
dare you maintain that those who believe in the Judeo Christian values are
better qualified to govern America than Hindus and Muslims?' My simple answer
is, 'Yes, they are.
The Constitution of the United States, for instance, is a marvelous document
for self-government by the Christian people. But the minute you turn the
document into the hands of non-Christian people and atheistic people they can
use it to destroy the very foundation of our society. And that's what's been
say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and
the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to
be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false
opinions but I don't have to be nice to them."
public education movement has also been an anti-Christian movement...We can
change education in America if you put Christian principles in and Christian
pedagogy in. In three years, you would totally revolutionize education in
can there be peace when drunkards, drug dealers, communists, atheists, New Age
worshipers of Satan, secular humanists, oppressive dictators, greedy money
changers, revolutionary assassins, adulterers, and homosexuals are on top?"
the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.
Here we have
bishops, priests, and deacons, a Censorship Board, vigilant librarians,
confraternities and sodalities, Duce Maria, Legions of Mary, Knights of this
Christian order and Knights of that one, all surrounding the sinner's free will
in an embattled circle.
Laughter is wine for the soul-laughter soft, or loud and deep, tinged through
with seriousness. the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth
living. Sean O'Casey
No man is
so old as to believe he cannot live one more year.
horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead. Stan Laurel
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, -- Get out! We don't
serve your type here.
I'm going to
memorize your name and throw my head away. Oscar Levant
Life is a
foreign language; all men mispronounce it. Christopher Morley
It is only
possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis. Margaret Bonnano
A new medical study says
that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking. You know what's really bad?
Second-hand meat. Jay Leno
would make a lovely corpse. Charles Dickens
Theres many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
She was a
phantom of delight When first she gleam'd upon my sight; A lovely apparition,
sent To be a moment's ornament.
in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit
while your ahead"?!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I love Wagner, but the
music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying
to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.
It is necessary to work,
if not from inclination, at least from despair. Everything considered, work is
less boring than amusing oneself.
On Monday mornings I am
dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. H. Allen Smith
I could dance with you
until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until
you come home. Groucho Marx
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational
skills will be as Important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you, " mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry, " look the person in the eye.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way
to live life completely.
. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and
ask, "Why do you want to know? "
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and
Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
A true friend is someone
who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Anon
What do I think of
Western civilization? I think it would be a good idea. Mahatma Ghandi
That old saw about the
early bird just proves that the worm should have stayed in bed. Robert
-- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are
-- A backward poet writes inverse.
-- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of
-- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-- Practice safe eating - always use
-- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
-- A man needs a mistress just to break the
-- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of
-- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-- Condoms should be used on every
-- Reading while sunbathing makes you well
-- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an
-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because
it is two tired.
-- What's the definition of a will? (It's a
dead giveaway. )
-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like
-- In democracy your vote counts. In
feudalism your count votes.
-- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a
wooden leg but broke it off!
-- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in
-- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get
-- With her marriage, she got a new name and
-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four
-- The man who fell into an upholstery
machine is fully recovered.
-- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't
-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN
-- He often broke into song because he
couldn't find the key.
-- Every calendar's days are numbered.
-- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours
and it taint mine.
-- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to
-- He had a photographic memory that was
-- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
-- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from
prison is a small medium at large.
-- Once you've seen one shopping center,
you've seen a mall.
-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a
-- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
-- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I'm always looking for
meaningful one-night stands. Dudley
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
I haven't had that many women - only as many as I could lay my hands on.
Creative test replies
Q: Name the four
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
- Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
- Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
- Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
- Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
- Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
- Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
- Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
- Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
- Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
- Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contain heart and
lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
- Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
- Q: What does "varicose" mean?
- Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.
- Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
- Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor..
- Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
- Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
- Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
- "The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets
owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be $1.50."
- "The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as the
dead man was crossing the intersection."
- "Dr. Benjamin Porter vistied the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present."
- "The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished."
- "The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
- "The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted
for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily
- "This coming Sunday evening, the President and his wife will deliver a joint
television address on the subject of drug abuse."
- "Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in
the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor."
- "A whimsical number titled "London Derriere" was played by Stein as his
salute to St. Patrick's Day."
- "The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in
New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill
also applies to Buffalo."
- "The attorney general's office said yesterday that an autopsy performed on
the headless body of a man found in Mason failed to determine the cause of
- "The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china."
- "He called on the Kentucky legislature to clarify the state abortion statute
to define whether it applied to pregnant women."
- "Moby Dick," the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen
again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role."
- "Weight Watchers will meet Tuesday at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance."
- "Hear Paul Lucas. The complete dope on the weather."
- "Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be
followed by Friday."
- "Gene Autry is better after being kicked by a horse."
- "The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck
- "Migraines strike twice as many women as do men."
- "The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came
down the aisle."
- "Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a battle-scared
hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given
by a bottle-scarred hero."
- "In a recent edition we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as
Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The "Gazette" regrets the error."
* Please note - to the best of my knowledge all
of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and
attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you
have something that should be included please send an e-mail with that
material. Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -
use this link >
Words of Wisdom
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