Quotes -  Misquotes - Aphorisms - & One Liners

Page  12

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.    Jane Wagner


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The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.   Flip Wilson

 

 
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.    Jane Wagner

 

  

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.   Doug Larson

 

 

 Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.   William Shakespeare

 

 

 

How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones.   Samuel Beckett

 

 

Birth was the death of him.   Samuel Beckett

  

 

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.    Dave Barry

 

  

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves." -- Bruce Grocott

  

 

Dublin university contains the cream of Ireland: Rich and thick.   Samuel Beckett



 

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.   Samuel Beckett

 

 

 

If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product. Label Warning  Anon

 

  

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.    A. A. Milne

  

 

Gain a modest reputation for being unreliable and you will never be asked to do a thing.   Paul Theroux

  

 

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.    Woody Allen

  

 

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.    George Carlin

  

 

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.    Robert Frost

 

  

My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.    Woody Allen

 
 

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.   Christopher Marlowe

 

  

Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.    J. Robert Oppenheimer

 

  

I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.    George S. Patton

 

  

If a man speaks in the forest, and there isn't a woman around to hear , is he still wrong?  Anon

 

  

The world is divided into haves and have-nots: those who have a sense of humor and those who do not..   Anon

  

 

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast. Sunday School  anon

  

 

Give us this day our deli bread!    Sunday School  anon

 

 

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?    Abraham Lincoln

  

 

I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde.    Dolly Parton

 

  

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.   Woody Allen

  



Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.   Ronald Reagan




Facts are stupid things.    Ronald Reagan

 



Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.   Ronald Reagan

 



I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.   Ronald Reagan

 



Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.   Ronald Reagan

 

 

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.   Ronald Reagan

  



When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.    Theodore Roosevelt

 

  

Make money. Make more money. Make other people make money.   L. Ron Hubbard



 

Never discuss Scientology with the critic. Just discuss his or her crimes, known and unknown.   L. Ron Hubbard


 

 

We are slowly and carefully teaching the unholy a lesson. It is as follows: We are not a law enforcement agency. But we will become interested in the crimes of people who seek to stop us. If you oppose scientology we promptly look up - and find and expose - your crimes. If you leave us alone we will leave you alone. It's very simple. Even a fool can grasp that. And don't underrate our ability to carry it out.   L. Ron Hubbard

  

 

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.   Sharon Stone

 

 

 

- Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

- Remember all the years you spent watching carefully what you ate and how you exercised so you could get an extra twenty years of life? Well, these are those twenty years!!

- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

- Ah, being young is beautiful... but being old is comfortable.

- Old age is when former classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

- First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft . . . Today, it's called golf.

 

 

 

Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.

 

 

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.    Fran Lebowitz

 



I do not know the American gentleman  ,  god forgive me for putting two such words together.  
Charles Dickens

  

Signs

 

 - At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

- In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

- In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

- At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."

- On Dr. Lee, the urologist in Marin County, vanity plate "2P C LEE"

- At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

- On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

- In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

- On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

- At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

- On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

- In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

- On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

- At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

- Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming

 

 Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.    .   Jimmy Durante




I hate music, especially when it's played.   .  
Jimmy Durante




My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.  
Jimmy Durante

 

 

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs...one step at a time.    Joe Girard

  

 

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.    Jack Benny

  

 

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.    Jack Benny

 



I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.   
Jack Benny

  



I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.   
Jack Benny



 

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.     Jack Benny

 

 

  

COMPANY QUOTES

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation

  

 

 

 

 

 

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

 

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

 

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

 

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

 

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

 

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

 

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

 

BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

 

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

 

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

 

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

 

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority have no idea what's happened.

 

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

 

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

 

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

 

  

I don't care what people think. people are stupid.   Charles Barkley



 

I know that I'm never as good or bad as any single performance. I've never believed my critics or my worshippers, and I've always been able to leave the game at the arena.   Charles Barkley



 

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.   Charles Barkley

 

  

If I weren't earning $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming.   Charles Barkley



 

Kids are great. That's one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It's a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names.   Charles Barkley

 

 

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick.

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses
.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quatro Sinko..

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk..

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

  

 

 

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.   Erma Bombeck


 

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.   Erma Bombeck


 

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.   Erma Bombeck
 

 

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.   Erma Bombeck



 

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.   Erma Bombeck

 

  

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.     Will Rogers

  



Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!    Mark Twain

 

 

No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it.    Hal Chadwick

 

  

 It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.    Sam Levenson

 


To make a long story short, there's nothing like having a boss walk in.    Doris Lilly

 

 

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.    Garrison Keiller

  

 

I must say that acting was good training for the political life that lay ahead of us.   Anthony Burgess


 

 

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.   Anthony Burgess


 

 

Life is a wretched gray Saturday, but it has to be lived through.   Anthony Burgess




 

Women thrive on novelty and are easy meat for the commerce of fashion. Men prefer old pipes and torn jackets.   Anthony Burgess

 

 

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.   Doug Larson

 

 

 

I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My husband says, 'Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?' 'Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.   Rita Rudner
 

 

 

I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.    Alicia Silverstone, Actress

 

 

When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER opinion, from your mouth.    Unknown

 

   

Imagination must be visited constantly, or else it begins to become restless and emit strange bellows at embarrassing moments; ignoring it only makes it grow larger and noisier.   Patricia McKillip


 

The distorted shapes and unexpected colors of mushrooms fascinated me. ... They were ancient, wild things. No two were ever alike, and they had no roots to tie them to one place; like curiosity, they wandered everywhere.   Patricia McKillip

 

 

Those who fear the imagination condemn it: something childish, they say, something monsterish, misbegotten. Not all of us dream awake. But those of us who do have no choice.   Patricia McKillip

 

  

  

The Law is everything.   Moses

Love is everything.   Jesus

Money is everything.   Marx

Sex is everything.  Freud

Everything is relative!   Einstein

 

 

A hospital is no place to be sick.   Samuel Goldwyn

 

 

1. Informal...no socks required.

2. Semiformal.....two socks needed.

3. Formal....socks must match.

 

  

Nurse: Doctor its about that girl who swallowed the quarter -- there has been no change yet!

  

I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain.  Tammy Faye Bakker


 

You don't have to be dowdy to be a Christian.  Tammy Faye Bakker

 

 

There's times when I just have to quit thinking . . . and the only way I can quit thinking is by shopping.  Tammy Faye Bakker

 

 

You can educate yourself right out of a relationship with God.  Tammy Faye Bakker



 

I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.  Tammy Faye Bakker

 

 

Retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.   Anonymous Wife

 

 

My wife thinks I put football before marriage, even though we just celebrated our third season together.   Anonymous Husband

 

 


Try to remember that, with the exception of your parents and your children, most people will consider you an adult.    Anonymous Parent

  

 
My husband and I married for better or worse...He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse.   Anonymous Wife

 

  

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.  Douglas Adams

 

 

It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.  Douglas Adams



 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.  Douglas Adams



 

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.  Douglas Adams

 

 

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.  Douglas Adams

 

 

In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.  Douglas Adams

 

  

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.    Jack Handey 

 

 

There are only two kinds of people in the world, the Irish, and those who wish they were." -- Irish proverb

  

Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.   Mark Twain

  

  

And before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can you set your laser printer on stun?

Is it truly possible to have a civil war?

Ah, but if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Most car accidents occur within five miles of home... why, then doesn't everyone move 10 miles away?

And if one synchronized swimmer drowns, must the rest drown also?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

And if you are born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?

Is it not so that Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?

  

  

  

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

 

  

Pat Robertson

 

 When I said during my presidential bid that I would only bring Christians and Jews into the government, I hit a firestorm. 'What do you mean?' the media challenged me. 'You're not going to bring atheists into the government? How dare you maintain that those who believe in the Judeo Christian values are better qualified to govern America than Hindus and Muslims?' My simple answer is, 'Yes, they are.



The Constitution of the United States, for instance, is a marvelous document for self-government by the Christian people. But the minute you turn the document into the hands of non-Christian people and atheistic people they can use it to destroy the very foundation of our society. And that's what's been happening."
 

 

You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don't have to be nice to them."

 

The public education movement has also been an anti-Christian movement...We can change education in America if you put Christian principles in and Christian pedagogy in. In three years, you would totally revolutionize education in America."

 

How can there be peace when drunkards, drug dealers, communists, atheists, New Age worshipers of Satan, secular humanists, oppressive dictators, greedy money changers, revolutionary assassins, adulterers, and homosexuals are on top?"

  

 

 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.   Sean O'Casey

 

Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.    Sean O'Casey


 

Here we have bishops, priests, and deacons, a Censorship Board, vigilant librarians, confraternities and sodalities, Duce Maria, Legions of Mary, Knights of this Christian order and Knights of that one, all surrounding the sinner's free will in an embattled circle.    Sean O'Casey



Laughter is wine for the soul-laughter soft, or loud and deep, tinged through with seriousness. the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living.  
Sean O'Casey

 

 No man is so old as to believe he cannot live one more year.   Sean O'Casey

 

 A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.    Stan Laurel



Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, -- Get out! We don't serve your type here.

  

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.   Oscar Levant
 

 

Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.   Christopher Morley
 

 

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.  Margaret Bonnano

  

A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking. You know what's really bad? Second-hand meat.    Jay Leno

 

 He would make a lovely corpse.    Charles Dickens

  


Theres many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.    Flannery OConnor

  

 

She was a phantom of delight When first she gleam'd upon my sight; A lovely apparition, sent To be a moment's ornament.   William Wordsworth

 

 

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

 

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.   Charles Baudelaire

  

 

It is necessary to work, if not from inclination, at least from despair. Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself.   Charles Baudelaire
 

 

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.   H. Allen Smith

 

 

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.   Groucho Marx

 

 

 Life Hints

 

 

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

 

 

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as Important as any other.

 

 

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

 

 

FOUR. When you say, "I love you, " mean it.

 

 

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry, " look the person in the eye.

 

 

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

 

 

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

 

 

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

 

 

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

 

 

TEN. . In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

 

 

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives

 

 

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

 

 

 

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know? "

 

 

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

 

 

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

 

 

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

 

 

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

 

 

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

 

 

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

 

 

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

 

 

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

 

 

 

 A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.  Anon

 

 What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a good idea.   Mahatma Ghandi

  

That old saw about the early bird just proves that the worm should have stayed in bed.    Robert Heinlein

 

  

-- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

 

-- A backward poet writes inverse.

 

-- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

-- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

 

-- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

 

-- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

 

-- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 

-- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

-- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 

-- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

-- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

 

-- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

 

-- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

 

-- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway. )

 

-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

-- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

 

-- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off!

 

-- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

-- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

 

-- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

 

-- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

-- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

 

-- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

-- Every calendar's days are numbered.

 

-- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

 

-- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 

-- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

-- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

-- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

 

-- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

 

-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

 

-- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

-- Acupuncture is a jab well done.


 

  

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.   Dudley Moore

 

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.  
Dudley Moore



I haven't had that many women - only as many as I could lay my hands on.  
Dudley Moore

 

 

Creative test replies

 

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

- Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

- Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

- Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

- Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

- Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.

- Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

- Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.

- Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

- Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

- Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contain heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

- Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

- Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

- Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.

- Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"

A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

- Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman Emperor..

- Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

- Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

- Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

  

 

 

 Real headlines

- "The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be $1.50."

- "The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as the dead man was crossing the intersection."

- "Dr. Benjamin Porter vistied the school yesterday and lectured on "Destructive Pests". A large number were present."

- "The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished."

- "The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump."

- "The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily living."

- "This coming Sunday evening, the President and his wife will deliver a joint television address on the subject of drug abuse."

- "Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor."

- "A whimsical number titled "London Derriere" was played by Stein as his salute to St. Patrick's Day."

- "The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo."

- "The attorney general's office said yesterday that an autopsy performed on the headless body of a man found in Mason failed to determine the cause of death."

- "The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china."

- "He called on the Kentucky legislature to clarify the state abortion statute to define whether it applied to pregnant women."

- "Moby Dick," the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role."

- "Weight Watchers will meet Tuesday at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance."

- "Hear Paul Lucas. The complete dope on the weather."

- "Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be followed by Friday."

- "Gene Autry is better after being kicked by a horse."

- "The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck suppers."

- "Migraines strike twice as many women as do men."

- "The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came down the aisle."

- "Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero."

- "In a recent edition we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The "Gazette" regrets the error."

 

    


 
*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail          
 

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