Quotes -  Misquotes - Aphorisms - & One Liners

Page  13

Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the people doing it.   Chinese Proverb 


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Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing.   Billy Rose

   

 

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.  George W. Bush, U.S. President, Yale University commencement speech, 2001

 

  

The Lord had the wonderful advantage of being able to work alone.    U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan

 

 

The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching.   Dennis Green

  

 

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.   Abraham Maslow

 

 

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.    Bob Hope

 

 

 It is all right to hold a conversation but you should let go of it now and then.   Richard Armour

  

 

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.   Rita Rudner

 

 

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2006:



1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

16. User Error: Replace user.

17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient

20. Netscape.exe... Bad file name... May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)

 

 

 

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it.   Lyndon Baines Johnson





Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.  
Lyndon Baines Johnson


 


I don't believe I'll ever get credit for anything I do in foreign affairs, no matter how successful it is, because I didn't go to Harvard.  
Lyndon Baines Johnson

  

 

I want to make a policy statement. I am unabashedly in favor of women.   Lyndon Baines Johnson

  

 

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.   Socrates

 

 

 Assumptions are the termites of relationships. I wrote that.   Henry Winkler

 

  

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.   Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings




You can't change a man, no-ways. By the time his mummy turns him loose and he takes up with some innocent woman and marries her, he's what he is.  
Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

  

  

 - Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.

- Life is like a camel: you can make it do anything except back up.

- She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

- I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it's famine.

- Punctual people have nothing better to do.

- It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful.

- The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.

- I had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards.

- This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

- A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

  

  

The Devil? -I don't Know, but  you know how Santa Claus turned out. .It's probably just your dad.  Anonymous Young boy

  

 

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up." -- Oscar Wilde

 

   

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings.   George Will

  


The Framers of the First Amendment were not concerned with preventing government from abridging their freedom to speak about crops and cockfighting, or with protecting the expressive activity of topless dancers, which of late has found some shelter under the First Amendment. Rather, the Framers cherished unabridged freedom of political communication.  
George Will


 

 

Freedom is not only the absence of external restraints. It is also the absence of irresistible internal compulsions, unmanageable passion, and un-censorable highlights.   George Will

  

Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the people doing it.   Chinese Proverb 

 

America is a mistake, a giant mistake.   Sigmund Freud

 

America is the most grandiose experiment the world has seen, but, I am afraid, it is not going to be a success.   Sigmund Freud

  

 

Conscience is the perfect interpreter of life.   Karl Barth

  

  

Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will.

 
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway

Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder

  

  

 

Experience is a good school but the fees are high.    Heinrich Heine

 

  

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything .   George Carlin

 

 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.   George Carlin



 

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.   George Carlin


 

 

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.   George Carlin
 

 

 

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. .   George Carlin




Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.  
George Carlin

 

 

Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.   George S. Patton

  

 

Quantum Product Warnings

 

Suggestions for warnings to appear on every product offered for sale.

 


WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.


CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

 

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.



CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)

 


ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

 


ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.



PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

 


HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

 

  

We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people.   Sugar Ray Leonard

 

Work !

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB

 

 

  

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.   Groucho Marx

 

  

 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


Life is sexually transmitted


An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

 

 

Sunburn is very becoming -- but only when it is even -- one must be careful not to look like a mixed grill.   Noel Coward

  

 

Eating words has never given me indigestion.   Winston Churchill

  

 

Cow-isms

 

Various organizational philosophies explained in "two cow" terms.

 

Socialism: you have two cows.  You keep one and give one to your

neighbor.

 

Communism: you have two cows.  The government takes them both and

provides you with milk.

 

Feudalism - You have two cows.  Your lord takes some of the milk.

 

Fascism - You have two cows.  The government takes both, hires you to

take care of them, and sells you the milk.

 

Totalitarianism - You have two cows.  The government takes them both and

denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army.  Milk is banned.

 

Bureaucracy: you have two cows.  The government takes them both, shoots

one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the

drain.

 

Corporate: you have two cows.  You sell one, force the other to produce

the milk of four cows and then acts surprised when it drops dead.

 

Democratism: you have two cows.  The government taxes you to the point

that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign

country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

 

Capitalism: you have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.

 

Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows.  You sell three of them to

your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your

brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an

associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax

exemption for five cows.  The milk rights of the six cows are

transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly

owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows

back to your listed company.  The annual report says the company owns

eight cows, with an option on one more

  

  

  

One for the Lions --  from church bulletins -

  

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Don't let worry kill you, the church can help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

  

 

 Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.   Harlan Ellison




The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.  
Harlan Ellison



 

What he wrote was this: 'The great tragedy of my life is that in my search for the Holy Grail everyone calls True Love, I see myself as Zorro, a romantic and mysterious highwayman - and the women I desire see me as Porky Pig.   Harlan Ellison




When belief in a god dies, the god dies.  
Harlan Ellison




I don't mind you thinking I'm stupid, but don't talk to me like I'm stupid.  
Harlan Ellison

 

 

My boyfriend won't see anything he terms a 'chick flick'. That's any film where a woman talks.   Maura Kennedy

 


My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least, that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.   Drake Sather




Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!   Anon

  

 

I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.   Kathleen Madigan


 



Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow who gave birth to a baby girl named Apple. Gwyneth says looking forward to having another daughter so she can have a "pear".   Jay Leno


 



My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage.   Glen Super

  

 

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.   Jon Stewart


 



I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's willing to make a decision she'll regret in the future.   Richard Jeni




Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.   Anon

 

Hmmm?    

 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think  I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes  out?"

    

          Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there?  I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

    

           Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    

           If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song  about him?

    

           Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

    

           Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,  but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    

           Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

    

           Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!

    

           If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    

           If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (sound it out...)

    

          If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

    

           If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    

           Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    

           Stop singing and read on....

    

 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

    

           Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he  gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ...

 

 

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns

 


Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. --Victor Borge

  



What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. --Mark Twain

  



By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --Socrates

 

 
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx

 

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. --Jimmy Durante

  



The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. --Jilly Cooper

  



I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Gabor

 

 


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. --Alex Levine

 

 


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. --Mark Twain

  



Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. --Spike Milligan

 

 


What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. --Henny Youngman

 

 


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' --Joe Namath

  



Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. --Herbert Henry Asquith

  



I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. --Bob Hope

  



A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. --W.C. Fields

 

 


It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. --George Burns

 

 


The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. --Unknown

  



By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. --Billy Crystal

   


Don't confuse being 'soft' with seeing the other guy's point of view.  
George Bush

 



We don't want an America that is closed to the world. What we want is a world that is open to America.  
George Bush

 

 

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.   George Bush

  

 

I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, "Let's eat out!"  Anon


 

Most of the men in this town think monogamy is some kind of wood.  Amy Yasbeck  

 

 

Yoghurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yoghurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

  

 

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

  

 

I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don't encourage you to be nasty. We encourage you to be neat, obedient, loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words, which would be great around a campfire but are lousy in politics.   Newt Gingrich
 



If the Soviet empire still existed, I'd be terrified. The fact is, we can afford a fairly ignorant presidency now.  
Newt Gingrich

  


The idea that a congressman would be tainted by accepting money from private industry or private sources is essentially a socialist argumen.  
Newt Gingrich t."

 



What is the primary purpose of a political leader? To build a majority. If [voters] care about parking lots, then talk about parking lots.  
Newt Gingrich

  

 

Advice is one of those things it is far more blessed to give than to receive.   Carolyn Wells

 

 



Of two evils choose the prettier.  
Carolyn Wells


 



'Tis blessed to bestow, and yet, Could we bestow the gifts we get, And keep the ones we give away, How happy were our Christmas day!  
Carolyn Wells


 



To make a library It takes two volumes And a fire. Two volumes and a fire, And interest. The interest alone will do If logs are few.  
Carolyn Wells

 


Every dogma must have its day.  
Carolyn Wells

  

 

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.   Jackie Mason


 



According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day.   Jimmy Fallon


 



I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.   Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

  

Not the answer they were looking for - but is it wrong ?  You Decide !

I hope these are not my heath care professional's answers.

 

Define:----

Antibody: against everyone

Artery: the study of fine paintings

Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria

Benign: what you be after eight

Cardiology: advance study of poker playing

Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty

Chronic: neck of a crow

Coma: Punctuation mark

Cyst: short for Sister

Diagnosis: person with slanted nose

Dislocation: in this place

Duodenum: couple in jeans

Enema: not a friend

False Labour: pretending to work

Gallbladder: bladder in a girl

Hernia: she is close by

Hymen: greeting to several males

Labour Pain: hurt at work

Lactose: person without digits on foot

Liposuction: a French Kiss

Lymph : walk unsteadily

Menopause: I no wait

Microbes: small dressing gowns

Obesity: city of Obe

Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize

Protein: a favour of teens

Pus: small cat

Red Blood Count: Dracula

Rupture: ecstasy

Secretion: hiding anything

Serum: Sailors drink

Subcutaneous: not cute enough

Tablet: small table

 

 

 
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen that has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.   Mark Twain

  

It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.  Anon

 

Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.  Anon



My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.  Anon

  

Bumper Stickers

 We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

Life's too short to dance with ugly men.

Life's too short to dance with ugly women.

My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the Income Tax).

I is a college student.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Eschew obfuscation.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton

  

 

  

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.   Richard Lewis

 

 

I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say.  
Richard Lewis

 



My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.  
Richard Lewis



I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.  
Richard Lewis

 



I tried phone sex -- it gave me an ear infection!  
Richard Lewis

  

 

Action is greater than writing. A good man is a nobler object of contemplation than a great author. There are but two things worth living for: to do what is worthy of being written; and to write what is worthy of being read.   Ross Perot

 

 

Anybody can direct, but there are only eleven good writers.   Mel Brooks




As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.  
Mel Brooks




Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.  
Mel Brooks

 

 

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colourfully, or you're not alive.  
Mel Brooks
 
 


 
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.  
Mel Brooks

  

 

In the long run, the right answer to unemployment is to create more jobs.   George Walker Bush

 



I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.  
George Walker Bush


 



..more and more of our imports are coming from overseas.  
George Walker Bush

 

 

Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...if your car could go straight upwards.    Sir Fred Hoyle


 

 

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?   George Corley Wallace

 

 

 

 

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

 

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

 

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

 

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

 

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir.  That would be too much of a coincidence."

 

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.  It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

 

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

 

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

 

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course.  We left that an hour ago."

 

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

 



Always follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.    Anon

 

 

I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!    Anon

  

 

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!      Anon

 



The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.    George Carlin

  

 

"Both my marriages were failures! Number one departed, and number two stayed.   Gustav Mahler

 

 

I long for scenes, where man hath never trod, a place where woman never smiled or wept - there to abide with my creator, God, and sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept, untroubling, and untroubled where I lie, the grass below - above, the vaulted sky.   John Clare

  

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.   Ernest Hemingway




An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.  
Ernest Hemingway

 



The essence of life is the smile of round female bottoms, under the shadow of cosmic boredom.  
Guy de Maupassant

 

 

Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.   Raymond Chandler

 

 

Some are able and humane men and some are low-grade individuals with the morals of a goat, the artistic integrity of a slot machine, and the manners of a floorwalker with delusions of grandeur.  
Raymond Chandler

  

 

What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase.   Henny Youngman

  

 

Once upon a time there were four little Rabbits, and their names were Flopsy, Mopsy, Cotton-tail, and Peter.   Beatrix Potter


 


Don't go into Mr. McGregor's garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor.  from The Tale of Peter Rabbit.  
Beatrix Potter

  

 

Never make forecasts, especially about the future.   Samuel Goldwyn

  

 

Q   Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who've been married for 3 years? 
 Divorced              David Letterman


 

Remember you're a star. Never go across the alley even to dump garbage unless you are dressed to the teeth.   Cecil B. De Mille


 



What I have crossed out I didn't like. What I haven't crossed out I'm dissatisfied with.  
Cecil B. De Mille

  

 

My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature.    Kevin Hench


 



I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.  E E  Cummings

 



A budget tells us what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it.    William Feather

  

 

It is all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.    Mick Jagger

  

 

End of meeting.  Long, unproductive meetings are often the bane of corporate life. My very funny boss at the company where I work has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control. There comes a time when he announces, "All those opposed to my plan say, 'I resign.'"  Anon

  

 

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. .   Russell Baker

 


Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.  
Russell Baker

  



Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.  
Russell Baker
 

 


People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.  
Russell Baker

 



People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.  
Russell Baker


 

A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it.   Sir Alfred Hitchcock

 

 

A lot of movies are about life, mine are like a slice of cake.  
Sir Alfred Hitchcock

 



Always make the audience suffer as much as possible.  
Sir Alfred Hitchcock

 



Blondes make the best victims. They're like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.  
Sir Alfred Hitchcock


 


Dialogue should simply be a sound among other sounds, just something that comes out of the mouths of people whose eyes tell the story in visual terms.  
Sir Alfred Hitchcock




There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.  
Sir Alfred Hitchcock




Give them pleasure - the same pleasure they have when they wake up from a nightmare.  
Sir Alfred Hitchcock


 

I am scared easily, here is a list of my adrenaline - production: 1: small children, 2: policemen, 3: high places, 4: that my next movie will not be as good as the last one.   Sir Alfred Hitchcock

  

 


When at last we anchored in Jeddah's outer harbour, off the white town hung between the blazing sky and its reflection in the mirage which swept and rolled over the wide lagoon, then the heat of Arabia came out like a drawn sword and struck us speechless.  
T. E. Lawrence


 


I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands and wrote my will across the sky in stars.  
T. E. Lawrence

 

 

I leave this rule for others when I'm dead, Be always sure you're right -- then go ahead.   Davy Crockett

 

 

Fame is like a shaved pig with a greased tail, and it is only after it has slipped through the hands of some thousands, that some fellow, by mere chance, holds on to it.   Davy Crockett

 



There ain't no ticks like poly-ticks. Bloodsuckers all.  
Davy Crockett

 

 

Paul, George, and Ringo are recording a song using the last of John's unreleased tapes. It goes 'Hello, this is the Lennon residence, I can't come to the phone right now..'. Chris Cox

  

 

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the  universe.   Albert Einstein

    

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket.   June Henderson

 

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.   Elayne Boosler


 

Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.   James Dent

 

 

 

So Why Did the American Chicken Cross the Road?

GEORGE W BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken.

COLIN POWELL

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

DONALD RUMSFELD

I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone.

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!

RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.

DR SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was a historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMOND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE

That was my chicken! I invented the chicken.

COLONEL SANDERS

Did I miss one?
                  

 

 


 
*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail          
 

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