Quotes -  Misquotes - Aphorisms - & One Liners

Page  14

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.   Will Rogers


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Wear the old coat and buy the new book.    Austin Phelps

  

 

We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys.    William Arthur Ward

  

 

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.    Oscar Levant

 

  

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.    W.C. Fields

  

 

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.    G. K. Chesterton

 

 

What I have to say is far more important than how long my eyelashes are.   Alanis Morissette

 

 

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.    Victor Hugo

 




Attempting to explain his company's .net initiative :   We don't have user-centricity. Until we understand context, which is way beyond presence--presence is the most trivial notion of context.   Bill Gates




 

Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night - be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels.   Frank Sinatra



 

Rock 'n Roll: The most brutal, ugly, desperate, vicious form of expression it has been my misfortune to hear.   Frank Sinatra




The martial music of every sideburned delinquent on the face of the earth
.   Frank Sinatra



 

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.   Frank Sinatra




 

Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything, but it's still fun to watch them tumble down the stairs. Anon


 M O M

I wonder if the tooth fairy is a boy or a girl."

Mom, what is it like being a grown up? Do you like buying everything you want and giving the kids nothing."

Mom, what name did you have when you were a kid?"

I wish I had a birthday everyday."

If alcohol and cigarettes are bad for you then why did somebody invent them?"

Mom, are the friends you had as a kid still alive?"

The cat went to the vegetarian to be neutered." "What's neutered?" "It means he'll come back a girl."

What is a pilgrim?" "That's the ones who don't know how to plant corn."

Who picked the very first king and queen there ever was?"

Mom, when you die, can I be a mom?"

I can't swallow anything in my neck because my clams are swollen."

Mom, is there only one man in the world for me? How many are there? About 30 in each country?"

Does God have a nose?"

Mom, you're the best mom I ever had."

 

 

  

Once you consent to some concession, you can never cancel it and put things back the way they are.   Howard Robard Hughes





I'm not a paranoid derranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire.  
Howard Robard Hughes



The door to the cabinet is to be opened using a minimum of 15 Kleenexes.  
Howard Robard Hughes




Wash four distinct and separate times, using lots of lather each time from individual bars of soap.  
Howard Robard Hughes





His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.  
Howard Robard Hughes

 

Retirement.?  Well I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done. Anon

 

 

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.   Jack Handy

 

  

  

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -- then start worrying)

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 -- Women, 2 -- Fractions

 

 

 

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.    Mark Twain

 

Things are seldom what they seem, / Skim milk masquerades as cream.   Sir William Gilbert




If you wish in this world to advance your merits you're bound to enhance; you must stir it and stump it, and blow your own trumpet, or, trust me, you haven't a chance.  
Sir William Gilbert

 



Oh, don't the days seem lank and long,/ When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,/ And isn't your life extremely flat,/ When you've nothing whatever to grumble at? .  
Sir William Gilbert

 



One cannot eat breakfast all day,/ Nor is it the act of a sinner,/ When breakfast is taken away,/ To turn his attention to dinner;/ And it's not in the range of belief,/ To look upon him as a glutton,/ Who, when he is tired of beef,/ Determines to tackle the mutton.  
Sir William Gilbert


 



When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is tabooed by anxiety, / I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in without impropriety.  
Sir William Gilbert




I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.   John Edgar Hoover





A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.   Rudyard Kipling


 

 

Arc Lessons

Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

Don't listen to critics- do what has to be done.

Build on high ground.

For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board but... so were the snails.

If you can't fight or flee---float!!

Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on Earth.

Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain-- shovel!!!

Stay below deck during the storm.

Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

Don't miss the boat.

No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.

 

 

Childhood is a disease - a sickness that you grow out of.   Sir William Golding




 

The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away.    Ronald Reagan

  

  

It is amazing what can be accomplished when nobody cares about who gets the credit.   Robert Yates

  

 

You know, I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.   Ellen DeGeneres


 



My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a mathematician, my brother is a chemical engineer--and I like to color.   Shashi Bhatia

 


 



The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good. I like his work.   David Spade

  

 

 

I don't even think about a retirement program because I'm working for the Lord, for the Almighty. And even thought the Lord's pay isn't very high, his retirement program is, you might say, out of this world.   George Foreman

 

  

 

I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at 4:00 in the afternoon, I'd be a college graduate today.   George Foreman

 

 

 


I want to keep fighting because it is the only thing that keeps me out of the hamburger joints. If I don't fight, I'll eat this planet.  
George Foreman

 

 

 

Let the other guy have whatever he wants before the fight. Once the bell rings he's gonna be disappointed anyway.   George Foreman

 

 


My kids idea of a hard life is to live in a house with only one phone.  
George Foreman

   

 

 

Might be a RedNeck if :

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive

The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took there.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You! go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

 

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

 

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does $100,000.00 worth of improvements.

You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

 

 

Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.   Anon


Life is like a camel: you can make it do anything except back up.   Anon




She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.   Anon




I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it's famine.   Anon




Punctual people have nothing better to do.   Anon




It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful.   Anon




The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.   Anon




I had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards.   Anon




This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.   Anon




A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.   Anon




Many politicians say we should pay lower taxes but if we take their advice, the IRS will put us in jail.   Anon



Times sure have changed. Yesterday a bum asked me if I could spare $2.75 for a double cappuccino with no foam.   Anon



 

About all this Satan stuff  --  The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad.   Anon




 Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.   Anon

 


I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.   Anon

 

 

If Thomas Edison invented electric light today, Dan Rather would report it on CBS News as 'candle making industry threatened'   .Newt Gingrich

 

 

Old men are fond of giving advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples.   Francois de la Rouchefoucald

  

 

 

 

I AM THANKFUL ......

 

For the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me, not with someone else.

 

For the husband who is on the sofa who is being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

 

For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home, not on the streets.

 

For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.

 

For the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.

 

For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.

 

For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine.

 

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home.

 

For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that we have freedom of speech.

 

For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

 

For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm.

 

For the lady behind me in church that sings off key, because it means that I can hear.

 

For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear.

 

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard.

 

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive.

 

And finally...

 

For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

 

A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.   Edith Sitwell


 



Good taste is the worst vice ever invented.  
Edith Sitwell



 



Hot water is my native element. I was in it as a baby, and I have never seemed to get out of it ever since.  
Edith Sitwell

 

 



I am not eccentric. It's just that I am more alive than most people. I am an unpopular electric eel set in a pond of goldfish.  
Edith Sitwell



 



I am one of those unhappy persons who inspire bores to the greatest flights of art.  
Edith Sitwell


 



I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.  
Edith Sitwell



 

 

Advertising Terms Defined

    

     NEW - Different color from previous design.

 

     ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

 

     EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

 

     UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

 

     FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

 

     ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

 

     IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

 

     FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

 

     HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

 

     FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

 

     REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

 

     DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with

      distributor.

   

     YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

 

     BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

 

     MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

 

     MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

 

     SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

 

     HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

 



 

 

I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty...but I am too busy thinking about myself.   Edith Sitwell

   

 

Finally, in conclusion, let me say just this.   Peter Sellers



 

 

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.   Will Rogers

  

 


A fool and his money are soon elected.  
Will Rogers


 

 

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.   Will Rogers




 

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.   Will Rogers



 

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.   Will Rogers



 

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.   Will Rogers


 

 

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.   Will Rogers


 

 

America is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can think of nothing to do once it gets there.   Will Rogers



 

 

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.   Will Rogers



 

 

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.   Will Rogers


 

 

 

An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.   Will Rogers



 

 

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.   Will Rogers

 

 

 

Jobs

 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.

 

 



I feel ghostly unreal until I become somebody else again on the screen.  
Peter Sellers


 



There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically removed.  
Peter Sellers


 



Conversation like television set on honeymoon...unnecessary.  
Peter Sellers





I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.  
Peter Sellers

 

 

 

Doctor, Doctor

 

I feel like a pair of curtains.

Well pull yourself together then .

---

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.

Next please!

---

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.

One at a time please.

---

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.

You're too tents.

---

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible.

Who said that?

---

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!

Hmmmm...Let's hope nothing develops.

---

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.

Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

---

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!

When did this happen?

When did what happen?

---

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.

I'll deal with you later.

---

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?

Use a pencil 'till I get there.

 

 

 
 

 

From the  medical records

 

 By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

 On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

 The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

 Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

 Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

 The patient refused an autopsy.

 The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

 The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

 She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

 The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 She is numb from the toes down.

 The skin was moist and dry.

 When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 

 

 

 

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.   George Carlin

  

 


Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.  
H. L.Mencken


 



Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.  
H. L.Mencken


 


A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.  
H. L.Mencken

 



People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine". David Letterman

 

 

 I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate.   Dan Quayle

 

 

Translation Please


 
1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.


2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.


3. Surveillance should precede salutations


4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity


5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.


6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.


7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.


8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.


9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.


10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F'.


11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.


12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.


 


Translated

 

1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.


2. Birds of a feather, flock together.


3. Think before you speak.


4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


5. Don't cry over spilled milk.


6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.


7. The pen is mightier than the sword.


8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.


9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.


10. A watched pot doesn't boil.


11. All that glitters is not gold.


12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.



 

 

  

Winter isn't cold, it's heat challenged


The speed of time is one-second per second.


I think of book-burning as "English lit"


All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.


Life is too short to proofread.


Join the I.R.S. - Be Audit You Can Be!


Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?



 

  

Who said that -- probably a politician

  

I resent your insinuendoes.

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same.

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

 If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave.

We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
 
Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it.

To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility.

I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators.

 If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there.

When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut.

Let's do this in one foul swoop.

I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session.

We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger.

I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks.


The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13.

I hate to confuse myself with the facts.

We have a permanent plan for the time being.

Family planning has many misconceptions.

The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city.

My knowledge is no match for his ignorance.

As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state.

These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about.

People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on.

In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema

 

   

 

Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation. -- Marion Berry

  

 

Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said,    This may hurt a little, Doc...I don't have any money.   Anon

 

 


I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is:      How can I get in on that?    Dave Barry

 

 



Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.   Oscar Wilde

   

 

The Bush Administration said there is a lot of support out there for us to attack Iraq.  A lot of people are for us - Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron.   Jay Leno

 

 

 

There must be more to life than having everything.   Maurice Sendak

  

 

When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.   Hermann Hesse

  

 

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.   Will Rogers

 

  

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?   Steven Wright

 

  

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.   George Burns

 

  

Less than great report cards

 

   1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
   
   2. I would not allow this student to breed.
   
   3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
   
   4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
   
   5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
   
   6. The student may have a "full six-pack" but clearly lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together

 

  

 

 

Ruth rode upon my motor bike

directly in back of me.

I hit a bump at 95

and rode on Ruthlessly.

  

 

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Some poems rhyme,

But this one doesn't.

 

  

 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.   Douglas Adams

  

 

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.    Anon





What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.    Anon





Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?   Anon

 

  

It was reported last week that a citizenís group is trying to remove porn channels from hotels across the country.  The group is called the Coalition of People Who Want to Ruin Everything.   Conan O'Brien

   

 

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!   Tom Lehrer

  

 

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may   be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney   present. You may kiss the bride.

 

 

 

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.   Anon 


 

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.   Anon


 

 

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.   Anon


 

 

I have learned there is little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first.   Anon



 

 

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make vegetable stew.   Anon

 

 



Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey


 



What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." --Oscar Levant


 



Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six million dollars will always want more
.   Anon

 

 

 

A patient tells his psychiatrist, Doctor, I feel    like a pair of curtains.  
The shrink replies, Come now, pull yourself together.

  

 

I dreamed I'm a Wig-Wam & I dreamed I'm a Tee-Pee -
 
The shrink replies You have to relax. Obviously you are 2 tents.
 

 

 

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no.    Woody Allen




And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.  
 Woody Allen




As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.  
 Woody Allen




Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.  
 Woody Allen





Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.  
 Woody Allen





Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.  
 Woody Allen





Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.  
 Woody Allen





Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.  
 Woody Allen





His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
    Woody Allen



 

 

Performance Reviews ( interpreted )

 

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Made no major blunders - yet.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks a lot.

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Spouse drinks, too.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the cops.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.

CAREFUL THINKER:
Won't make a decision.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT:
Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.

FORCEFUL:
Argumentative.

AGGRESSIVE:
Obnoxious.

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS:
Gets someone else to do it.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

  

EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL:
Speak English.

CONSCIENTIOUS:
Scared.

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nit picker.

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES:
Is tall or has a loud voice.

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT:
Lucky.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows a lot of dirty jokes.

STRONG PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

CAREER MINDED:
Back Stabber.

COMING ALONG WELL:
About to be let go.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Gets to work on time.

RELAXED ATTITUDE:
Sleeps at desk.

EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER:
Screws up often.

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY:
Too ugly to get a date.

INDEPENDENT WORKER:
Nobody knows what he/she does all day.

FORWARD THINKING:
Procrastinator.

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS:
Able to BS well.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Spends lots of time on phone.

LOYAL:
Can't get a job anywhere else.

 

 

 

 

 

Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run halfway to meet it.    Douglas Jerrold

 

  

 

Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine Dead in Interstate Pileup.'   Jay Leno


 

 

Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who've been married for 3 years? Divorced.   David Letterman

  

 

 

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.    James H. Boren



 

 

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?    Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

 


 

 

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

 Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

  

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

  

 

 

 

 

If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.   William Ornton

  

 

 

A hot dog at the ball park is better than steak at the Ritz. Humphrey Bogart





I came out here with one suit and everybody said I looked like a bum. Twenty years later Marlon Brando came out with only a sweatshirt and the town drooled over him. That shows how much Hollywood has progressed.
Humphrey Bogart





I made more lousy pictures than any actor in history.
Humphrey Bogart





I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.
Humphrey Bogart





It doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people doesn't add up to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
Humphrey Bogart





The only point in making money is, you can tell some big shot where to go.
Humphrey Bogart





The only thing you owe the public is a good performance.
Humphrey DeForest Bogart

 

  

 

Owed Two A Spell Chequer


Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew.

 

 

 

 

 

It was cold out there, bitter, biting, cutting, piercing, hyperborean, marmoreal cold, and there were all these Minnesotans running around outdoors, happy as lambs in the spring.   Charles Kuralt


 



Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.  
Charles Kuralt

 



The everyday kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of greed in the headlines.  
Charles Kuralt

 



The sparrows are preparing for winter, each one dressed in a plain brown coat and singing a cheerful song.  
Charles Kuralt


 



This is a place where you can hear fall coming for miles.  
Charles Kuralt


 



We always take credit for the good and attribute the bad to fortune.  
Charles Kuralt


 



You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.  
Charles Kuralt

 

  

 

The Subtle Differences

 

If you take a long time, you're slow.

But if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

 

If you don't do it, you're lazy.

But if your boss doesn't do it, she's too busy.

 

If you make a mistake, you're an goober.

But if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'.

 

If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

But if your boss does it, she's being firm.

 

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

But if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

 

If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

But if your boss does the same thing, she's taking initiative.

 

If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick.

But if your boss is a day off sick, she must be very ill.

 

If you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

But if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

 

If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

But if your boss applies for leave, it's because she's overworked.

 

 

 

  

You're an egghead with two yolks.   Alan Jay Lerner

 

 

You write a hit the same way you write a flop.  
Alan Jay Lerner




A schedule so tight that it would only work if I didn't sleep on Monday nights.  
Alan Jay Lerner





Why can't a woman be more like a man? / Men are so honest, so thoroughly square; / Eternally noble, historically fair.  
Alan Jay Lerner


 



I've grown accustomed to the trace / Of something in the air, / Accustomed to her face.  
Alan Jay Lerner

  

 

 

Signs

  

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign

 

  

 

Life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating.   O. Henry - William Sydney Porter






She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint (the universal act of woman to proclaim ownership.  
O. Henry - William Sydney Porter


 



A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.  
O. Henry - William Sydney Porter


 



It was beautiful and simple as all truly great swindles are.  
O. Henry - William Sydney Porter






If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.  
O. Henry - William Sydney Porter

 

 

M O M

 

 

My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


My mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM... "Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA... "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER... "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY... "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE... "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION... "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY... "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"


 

 

 

  

It is unfortunate we can't buy many business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth.   Malcolm Forbes

 

  

 

The officer Said :

  

The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.

 


If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.



So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?



Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?



Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.



The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?

 


Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

 


Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.



No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.

 


Just how big were those two beers?

  

Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs? 

 

  

 

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

 

 

Don't be too sweet lest you be eaten up; don't be too bitter lest you be spewed out.    Jewish Proverb

 

 

Football is a game that requires the constant conjuring of animosity.    Vince Lombardi

  

 

I've been rich and I've been poor. Rich is better.    Sophie Tucker

 

  

 

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really going to try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

 

 

 

 

Every author really wants to have letters printed in the papers. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and writes novels.   P. G. Wodehouse


 



There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.  
P. G. Wodehouse





Flowers are happy things.  
P. G. Wodehouse




Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying the corpse.  
P. G. Wodehouse





He was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say 'when!'.  
P. G. Wodehouse


 

 

Strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise

 

Happy Exercising...



1) Beating around the bush

2) Jumping to conclusions

3) Climbing the walls

4) Swallowing my pride

5) Passing the buck

6) Throwing my weight around

7) Dragging my heels

8) Pushing my luck

9) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces



 



He was white and shaken, like a dry martini.  
P. G. Wodehouse



I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.  
P. G. Wodehouse



I just sit at a typewriter and curse a bit.  
P. G. Wodehouse

   

Fans are fans... I hated and loved them, hated and loved them, hated and loved them.   Terry Bradshaw

  

I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.   Terry Bradshaw

 

 Leaving Work ?

 
I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are certainly going to try!

We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, I'm sick of you.

Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.

Today I'm going to mix business and pleasure. You're fired!

I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'.

Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow

 

  

 

I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done.   Anon retired

 

  

 

The introduction of Tobacco to Civilization," wherein a telephone call from Sir Walter Raleigh prompts sceptical laughter in England

 

Are you saying 'snuff,' Walt? What's snuff? You take a pinch of tobacco (starts giggling) and you shove it up your nose! And it makes you sneeze, huh. I imagine it would, Walt, yeah. Goldenrod seems to do it pretty well over here. It has some other uses, though. You can chew it? Or put it in a pipe. Or you can shred it up and put it on a piece of paper, and roll it up - don't tell me, Walt, don't tell me- you stick in your ear, right Walt? Oh, between your lips! Then what do you do to it? (Giggling) You set fire to it! Then what do you do, Walt? You inhale the smoke! You set fire to it! Then what do you do Walt? You inhale the smoke! Walt, we've been a little worried about you...you're gonna have a tough time getting people to stick burning leaves in their mouth...."

 

.   Bob Newhart

 

   

 

I'm 74 years old and its good to be here tonight!...but when you're 74 years old its just good to be anywhere.   B.B. King

   

My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature.   Kevin Hench


 

Most people hate the taste of beer to begin with. It is, however, a prejudice that many people have been able to overcome.   Winston Churchill


 

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.   Mark Twain

 

 Grey Power


- Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

- Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

- When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

- If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

- On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

- A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

- Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old

 

 

  

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.   Yogi Berra

   

Politics makes me sick.   William Howard Taft

   

I have come to the conclusion that the major part of the work of a President is to increase the gate receipts of expositions and fairs and bring tourists to town.   William Howard Taft

  

I think I might as well give up being a candidate. There are so many people in the country who don't like me.   William Howard Taft 

 

 Defined  ? 

 

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
 

Traffic Light  -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

Divorce-- postgraduate in School of Love.

Pioneer-- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

People -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

Swimming Pool -- a mob of people with water in it.

Self Control -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

Salesman-- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

Cannibal -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

Egocentric -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

Foreign DFilmn -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

Optimist-- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

Magazine -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

College-- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

Emergency Numbers  Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

Opera -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

Buffet-- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

Baby Sitter  -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

Tattoo-- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

  

 

 

 

A California congressman was reporting back on his trip from Baghdad.  He said that almost no one spoke English, poison gas filled the sky, and he saw people firing guns in the street and that was on the way to the L.A. airport.  Jay Leno

  

  

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.   Kin Hubbard

 

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Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

 

 

 

  

All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.   James Thurber

 




He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes.  
James Thurber

 




Human Dignity has gleamed only now and then and here and there, in lonely splendor, throughout the ages, a hope of the better men, never an achievement of the majority.  
James Thurber

 




I hate women because they always know where things are.  
James Thurber

 



I loathe the expression 'What makes him tick.' It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm.  
James Thurber

 




I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.  
James Thurber

 




It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy.  
James Thurber

 



It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.  
James Thurber

 


Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation.  
James Thurber


 

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.   James Thurber

 

 



Marriage

 

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

 


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 


Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

 


Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

 


When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

 


Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.




 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

 


Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

 

Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.


 
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.




 

  

 

Summer afternoon - Summer afternoon... the two most beautiful words in the English language.    Henry James

  

 

 A wife's fantasy  ---OR

Signs you might have married a gay guy
 if he says
:

  

~Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

 

~Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

 

~Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

 

~What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

 

~You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brainpower that I find so attractive in a woman.

 

~What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

 

~Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

 

~Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.

 

~Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

 

~I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?

 

~You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

 

~Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.

 

~My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.

 

~If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.

 

~Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.

 

~If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.

 

~You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.

 

~Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

 

 

Real ?  Headlines

 

 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Include your Children When Baking Cookies

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

 Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired
 

Steals Clock, Faces Time
 

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

  

It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash- trays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay


 



We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath. 'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'" --Brad Stine




Doesn't it bother you when people litter? The most creative rationale for throwing an apple core out the window is 'It will plant seeds for other threes to grow.' And, of course, our highways are lined with apple trees--right next to all the cigarette bushes." --Nick Arnette

 

  

If Lincoln were alive today he'd roll over in his grave.   Gerald Ford



 

What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.   Abraham Lincoln

  



A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a while ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist.   Ronald Reagan

 



I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.   George Bush

  

 

You know you're growing older when...    you and your teeth don't sleep together. Anon

  

 

You know you're getting old when you get that one  candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can  blow this out..    Jerry Seinfeld

 

 


                                                  
PARENTHOOD

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!


Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.


The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

 
 
Avenge yourself -- live long enough to be a problem to your children.


The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.


Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.


The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.


Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

 
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.
 

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren

 
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it..
 


Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.


Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.


Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.


Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.


An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

 

 

  

A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.   Samuel Johnson


 


Don't think of retiring from the world until the world will be sorry that you retire. I hate a fellow whom pride or cowardice or laziness drives into a corner, and who does nothing when he is there but sit and growl. Let him come out as I do, and bark.  
Samuel Johnson

  

 

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.   Totie Fields



 

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.   George Bernard Shaw

  

 

I just put on what the lady says. I've been married three times, so I've had lots of supervision.   Upton Sinclair

 

 


This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

 

 

 

Headstone-   Here lies an Atheist -  All dressed up  -  And no place to go.   Anon

  

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.   Anon

  

 

People will buy anything that is one to a customer.    Sinclair Lewis

  

 

 

 

 

Apparently real Elementary School Excuse Notes my mom didn't write

 

 

Larry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was.

 

 

Bonnie would not finish his work last night.  She said her brain was too tired of spelling.

 

 

Erin hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend.  He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment.

 

 

Amie did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late.  If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time.

 

 

Hank stayed home because he had a stomachache from eating too much frosting.

 

 

It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night.  His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home.

 

 

Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet.

 

 

Debbie was late on Wednesday.  She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard.

 

 

Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM.

 

 

Tammy wasn't in school yesterday because she thought it was Saturday.

 

 


 
*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail          
 

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