- Misquotes - Aphorisms
- & One Liners
An economist's guess is
liable to be as good as anybody else's.
Wear the old coat and buy
the new book. Austin Phelps
We can learn much from wise
words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys. William Arthur
There's a fine line between
genius and insanity. I have erased this line. Oscar Levant
Start every day off with a
smile and get it over with. W.C. Fields
I believe in getting into
hot water; it keeps you clean. G. K. Chesterton
What I have to say is far more important
than how long my eyelashes are. Alanis Morissette
I don't mind what Congress
does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.
Attempting to explain his
company's .net initiative : We don't have user-centricity. Until we understand
context, which is way beyond presence--presence is the most trivial notion of
context. Bill Gates
Basically, I'm for anything that gets you
through the night - be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Rock 'n Roll: The most brutal, ugly,
desperate, vicious form of expression it has been my misfortune to hear.
The martial music of every sideburned delinquent on the face of the earth.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
Some people are like
slinkies... not really good for anything, but it's still fun to watch them
tumble down the stairs. Anon
wonder if the tooth fairy is a boy or a girl."
Mom, what is it like being a grown up? Do you like buying everything you want
and giving the kids nothing."
Mom, what name did you have when you were a kid?"
I wish I had a birthday everyday."
If alcohol and cigarettes are bad for you then why did somebody invent them?"
Mom, are the friends you had as a kid still alive?"
The cat went to the vegetarian to be neutered." "What's neutered?" "It means
he'll come back a girl."
What is a pilgrim?" "That's the ones who don't know how to plant corn."
Who picked the very first king and queen there ever was?"
Mom, when you die, can I be a mom?"
I can't swallow anything in my neck because my clams are swollen."
Mom, is there only one man in the world for me? How many are there? About 30
in each country?"
Does God have a nose?"
Mom, you're the best mom I ever had."
Once you consent to some
concession, you can never cancel it and put things back the way they are.
Howard Robard Hughes
I'm not a paranoid derranged millionaire. Goddamit, I'm a billionaire.
Howard Robard Hughes
The door to the cabinet is to be opened using a minimum of 15 Kleenexes.
Howard Robard Hughes
Wash four distinct and separate times, using lots of lather each time from
individual bars of soap.
Howard Robard Hughes
His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.
Howard Robard Hughes
Retirement.? Well I get up in the morning
with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done.
One day one of my little nephews came up
to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or
just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know,
and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. Jack
Nobody will ever win the
battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how
dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in
Australia. (unless you're in Australia -- then start worrying)
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Drive carefully It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 -- Women, 2 -- Fractions
Under certain circumstances, profanity
provides a relief denied even to prayer. Mark Twain
Things are seldom what they
seem, / Skim milk masquerades as cream.
Sir William Gilbert
If you wish in this world to advance your merits you're bound to enhance; you
must stir it and stump it, and blow your own trumpet, or, trust me, you haven't
a chance. Sir
Oh, don't the days seem lank and long,/ When all goes right and nothing goes
wrong,/ And isn't your life extremely flat,/ When you've nothing whatever to
grumble at? . Sir
One cannot eat breakfast all day,/ Nor is it the act of a sinner,/ When
breakfast is taken away,/ To turn his attention to dinner;/ And it's not in the
range of belief,/ To look upon him as a glutton,/ Who, when he is tired of
beef,/ Determines to tackle the mutton.
Sir William Gilbert
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is tabooed by
anxiety, / I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in without
I regret to say that
we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it
has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
John Edgar Hoover
A woman is only a
woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something
Don't listen to critics- do what has to be done.
Build on high ground.
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Two heads are better than one.
Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board but... so were the
If you can't fight or flee---float!!
Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on Earth.
Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain-- shovel!!!
Stay below deck during the storm.
Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by
If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm
Don't miss the boat.
No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.
Childhood is a disease - a sickness that you
grow out of. Sir William Golding
The best minds are not in
government. If any were, business would hire them away. Ronald Reagan
It is amazing what can
be accomplished when nobody cares about who gets the credit. Robert
You know, I really don't
think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon. Ellen
My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a mathematician, my brother is a
chemical engineer--and I like to color. Shashi Bhatia
The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone
goes, Oh, he's good. I like his work. David Spade
I don't even think about
a retirement program because I'm working for the Lord, for the Almighty. And
even thought the Lord's pay isn't very high, his retirement program is, you
might say, out of this world.
I think sleeping was my
problem in school. If school had started at 4:00 in the afternoon, I'd be a
college graduate today. George
I want to keep fighting because it is the only thing that keeps me out of the
hamburger joints. If I don't fight, I'll eat this planet.
Let the other guy have
whatever he wants before the fight. Once the bell rings he's gonna be
disappointed anyway. George
My kids idea of a hard life is to live in a house with only one phone.
a RedNeck if :
your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive
The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took there.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You! go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the
The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does $100,000.00 worth of improvements.
You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Part of being sane, is being a little bit
Life is like a camel: you can make it do anything except back up. Anon
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still. Anon
I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it's famine. Anon
Punctual people have nothing better to do. Anon
It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful. Anon
The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening. Anon
I had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards. Anon
This house is protected by killer dust bunnies. Anon
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Many politicians say we should pay lower taxes but if we take their
advice, the IRS will put us in jail. Anon
Times sure have changed. Yesterday a bum asked me if I could spare $2.75 for a
double cappuccino with no foam. Anon
About all this Satan stuff -- The other
boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning
you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish
washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Anon
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't
listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and
when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every
quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. Anon
If Thomas Edison invented electric light
today, Dan Rather would report it on CBS News as 'candle making industry
threatened' .Newt Gingrich
Old men are fond of giving advice to console
themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. Francois
de la Rouchefoucald
I AM THANKFUL ......
For the wife who says it's hot
dogs tonight, because she is home with me, not with someone else.
For the husband who is on the
sofa who is being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at
For the teenager who is
complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home, not on the
For the taxes that I pay, because
it means that I am employed.
For the mess to clean after a
party, because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little
too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.
For my shadow that watches me
work, because it means I am out in the sunshine.
For a lawn that needs mowing,
windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I
have a home.
For all the complaining I hear
about the government, because it means that we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at
the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and
that I have been blessed with transportation.
For my huge heating bill, because
it means I am warm.
For the lady behind me in church
that sings off key, because it means that I can hear.
For the pile of laundry and
ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles
at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes off in
the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive.
For too much e-mail, because it
means I have friends who are thinking of me.
A great many people now
reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.
Good taste is the worst vice ever invented.
Hot water is my native element. I was in it as a baby, and I have never seemed
to get out of it ever since. Edith
I am not eccentric. It's just that I am more alive than most people. I am an
unpopular electric eel set in a pond of goldfish.
I am one of those unhappy persons who inspire bores to the greatest flights of
art. Edith Sitwell
I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.
Advertising Terms Defined
NEW - Different color from
ALL NEW - Parts are not
interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported
UNMATCHED - Almost as good
as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No
provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The
advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush
job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer
lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on
which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason
why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws
fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory
had a big argument with
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We
finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally
figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE -
Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours,
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made
it work long enough to ship it.
I have often wished I had
time to cultivate modesty...but I am too busy thinking about myself.
in conclusion, let me say just this.
difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the
policeman searches you.
all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and
closes with an investigation.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for
something they don't need.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the
closest our country has ever been to being even.
know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.
is a nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but it can
think of nothing to do once it gets there.
after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.
economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.
ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people
My first job was working in
an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so
...they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly
because ...it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just ...didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on
my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the
work was ...just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up
So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and
I ...was discharged.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was
always the same old grind.
I feel ghostly unreal until I become somebody else again on the screen.
There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me but I had it surgically
removed. Peter Sellers
Conversation like television set on honeymoon...unnecessary.
I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.
I feel like
a pair of curtains.
Well pull yourself together then .
Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.
One at a time please.
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a
You're too tents.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm...Let's hope nothing develops.
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil 'till I get there.
From the medical
By the time he was admitted,
his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from the toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking
loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to
detect. George Carlin
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.
Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy
crazier. H. L.Mencken
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers,
complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the
other guy took the engine". David Letterman
support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of
the House and members of the Senate. Dan Quayle
1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
3. Surveillance should precede salutations
4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal
6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.
8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.
10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan
does not does reach 212 F'.
11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is
1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
2. Birds of a feather, flock together.
3. Think before you speak.
4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
5. Don't cry over spilled milk.
6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
10. A watched pot doesn't boil.
11. All that glitters is not gold.
12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.
Winter isn't cold, it's
The speed of time is one-second per second.
I think of book-burning as "English lit"
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Life is too short to proofread.
Join the I.R.S. - Be Audit You Can Be!
Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
said that -- probably a politician
I resent your insinuendoes.
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same.
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave.
We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can
Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it.
To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility.
I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators.
If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there.
When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut.
Let's do this in one foul swoop.
I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves
in this session.
We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger.
I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks.
The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13.
I hate to confuse myself with the facts.
We have a permanent plan for the time being.
Family planning has many misconceptions.
The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it
goes through or around the city.
My knowledge is no match for his ignorance.
As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our
These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's
People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts
In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema
the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the
nation. -- Marion Berry
Yesterday I got even with
my dentist. When he was finished I said, This may hurt a little, Doc...I
don't have any money. Anon
I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear
about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or
contributing anything to society, my reaction is: How can I get in on
that? Dave Barry
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
The Bush Administration
said there is a lot of support out there for us to attack Iraq. A lot of people
are for us - Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron. Jay Leno
There must be more to life
than having everything. Maurice Sendak
When dealing with the
insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane. Hermann Hesse
The income tax has made
liars out of more Americans than golf. Will Rogers
If you shoot at mimes,
should you use a silencer? Steven Wright
I can remember when the air
was clean and sex was dirty. George Burns
Less than great report cards
1. Since my last report,
your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
6. The student may have a "full six-pack" but clearly lacks the plastic
thingy to hold it all together
Ruth rode upon my motor bike
directly in back of me.
hit a bump at 95
and rode on Ruthlessly.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Some poems rhyme,
But this one doesn't.
I love deadlines. I like
the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams
The only problem with golf
is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always
end up behind you. Anon
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the
claws and the other has the clause before the pause. Anon
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos? Anon
It was reported last week
that a citizenís group is trying to remove porn channels from hotels across the
country. The group is called the Coalition of People Who Want to Ruin
Everything. Conan O'Brien
I know that there are
people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! Tom
You have the right to
remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to
have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.
When I was born, I was so
surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. Anon
I don't approve of
political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. Anon
The most precious thing we
have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. Anon
I have learned there is
little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first. Anon
If life deals you
lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make vegetable stew. Anon
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting
the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us
left." --Oscar Levant
Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six
children, certainly. Because a man with six million dollars will always want
A patient tells his psychiatrist, Doctor,
I feel like a pair of curtains.
The shrink replies, Come now, pull yourself together.
I dreamed I'm a Wig-Wam & I dreamed I'm a Tee-Pee
The shrink replies You have to
relax. Obviously you are 2 tents.
A fast word about oral
contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no.
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action
immediately: They rent out my room.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to
figure out how to get the bark on.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and
sink my boats. Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good
steak. Woody Allen
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a
plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The
difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no
one is going to make fun of you.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral
bankruptcy. Woody Allen
Reviews ( interpreted )
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Made no major blunders - yet.
Drinks a lot.
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Spouse drinks, too.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the cops.
Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
Won't make a decision.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT:
Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS:
Gets someone else to do it.
A KEEN ANALYST:
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nit picker.
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES:
Is tall or has a loud voice.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT:
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
COMING ALONG WELL:
About to be let go.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Gets to work on time.
Sleeps at desk.
EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER:
Screws up often.
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY:
Too ugly to get a date.
Nobody knows what he/she does all day.
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS:
Able to BS well.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Spends lots of time on phone.
Can't get a job anywhere else.
Some people are so fond of
ill-luck that they run halfway to meet it. Douglas Jerrold
Is this a bad idea? The
folks at Sprint announced it is developing a TV cell phone. It will let you
watch TV on your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine Dead in
Interstate Pileup.' Jay Leno
Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who've been married for 3 years?
Divorced. David Letterman
When in doubt, mumble; when
in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. James H. Boren
Why do seagulls fly over
the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
Reason to smile: Every 7
minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget
where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what
you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body
and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know
sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14
kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you
like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my
body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and
then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too
much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea
of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can
fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Raising teenagers is like
nailing Jello to a tree.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too
young to borrow the family car.
If you keep
your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.
A hot dog at
the ball park is better than steak at the Ritz.
I came out here with one suit and everybody said I looked like a bum. Twenty
years later Marlon Brando came out with only a sweatshirt and the town drooled
over him. That shows how much Hollywood has progressed.
I made more lousy pictures than any actor in history.
I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks
while you loved me.
It doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people doesn't add
up to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
The only point in making money is, you can tell some big shot where to go.
The only thing you owe the public is a good performance.
Humphrey DeForest Bogart
Owed Two A Spell Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,
miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid,
it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite
it's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it,
I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh,
my chequer tolled me sew.
It was cold out there,
bitter, biting, cutting, piercing, hyperborean, marmoreal cold, and there were
all these Minnesotans running around outdoors, happy as lambs in the spring.
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the
country from coast to coast without seeing anything.
The everyday kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of greed
in the headlines. Charles Kuralt
The sparrows are preparing for winter, each one dressed in a plain brown coat
and singing a cheerful song.
This is a place where you can hear fall coming for miles.
We always take credit for the good and attribute the bad to fortune.
You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a
navigator uses stars. Charles
The Subtle Differences
If you take a long time, you're
But if your boss takes a long
time, he's thorough.
If you don't do it, you're
But if your boss doesn't do it,
she's too busy.
If you make a mistake, you're
But if your boss makes a
mistake, he's 'only human'.
If you take a stand, you're
But if your boss does it, she's
If you overlooked a rule of
etiquette, you're being rude.
But if your boss skips a few
rules, he's being original.
If you do something without
being told, you're overstepping your authority.
But if your boss does the same
thing, she's taking initiative.
If you're on a day off sick,
you're 'always' sick.
But if your boss is a day off
sick, she must be very ill.
If you're out of the office,
you're wandering around.
But if your boss is out of the
office, he's on business.
If you apply for leave, you
must be going for an interview.
But if your boss applies for
leave, it's because she's overworked.
You're an egghead with two
yolks. Alan Jay Lerner
You write a hit the same way you write a flop.
Alan Jay Lerner
A schedule so tight that it would only work if I didn't sleep on Monday
nights. Alan Jay Lerner
Why can't a woman be more like a man? / Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
/ Eternally noble, historically fair.
Alan Jay Lerner
I've grown accustomed to the trace / Of something in the air, / Accustomed to
her face. Alan Jay Lerner
funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They
won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you
can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please
see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from
any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's
time to wash your car.
Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought
to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full
extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices, and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our
washing machine do the dirty work."
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by
human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign
Life is made up of sobs,
sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating.
O. Henry -
William Sydney Porter
She plucked from my lapel the invisible strand of lint (the universal act of
woman to proclaim ownership. O.
Henry - William
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
O. Henry - William Sydney Porter
It was beautiful and simple as all truly great swindles are.
O. Henry -
William Sydney Porter
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.
O. Henry -
William Sydney Porter
taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't
go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're
going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know
when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me
when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't
come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to kill
each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
you're in an accident.
My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM... "Will you just look at the dirt on
the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA... "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach
My mother taught me about WEATHER... "It looks as if a tornado swept through
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY... "If I've told you once, I've told you a
million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE... "I brought you into this world, and
I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION... "Stop acting like your
My mother taught me about ENVY... "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
It is unfortunate we can't
buy many business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they
think they are worth. Malcolm Forbes
The officer Said :
The handcuffs are tight because
they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?
Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket.
The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?
Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.
No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
Just how big were those two beers?
Are you going to come quietly or
do I have to use earplugs?
111,111,111 x 111,111,111
Don't be too sweet lest you be eaten up;
don't be too bitter lest you be spewed out. Jewish Proverb
Football is a game that
requires the constant conjuring of animosity. Vince Lombardi
I've been rich and I've
been poor. Rich is better. Sophie Tucker
Does a clean house indicate that
there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something
new to eat will have materialized?
On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How
many pieces of bread do they think people are really going to try to stuff in
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your
clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart
than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the
table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is
how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?
How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told
you to do it?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering
from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're
okay, then it's you.
Every author really wants
to have letters printed in the papers. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a
rung of the ladder and writes novels.
P. G. Wodehouse
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is
called the guillotine. P. G.
Flowers are happy things. P. G.
Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying the
corpse. P. G. Wodehouse
He was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes
and had forgotten to say 'when!'.
P. G. Wodehouse
Strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise
1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing my pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing my weight around
7) Dragging my heels
8) Pushing my luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
He was white and shaken, like a dry martini.
P. G. Wodehouse
I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
P. G. Wodehouse
I just sit at a typewriter and curse a bit.
P. G. Wodehouse
Fans are fans... I hated
and loved them, hated and loved them, hated and loved them.
I may be dumb, but I'm not
stupid. Terry Bradshaw
Leaving Work ?
I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are certainly going to try!
We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, I'm sick of
Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible
for more disasters than any one else in the place.
Today I'm going to mix business and pleasure. You're fired!
I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work
Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow
I get up in the morning
with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done. Anon
The introduction of Tobacco to
Civilization," wherein a telephone call from Sir Walter Raleigh prompts
sceptical laughter in England
Are you saying 'snuff,' Walt?
What's snuff? You take a pinch of tobacco (starts giggling) and you shove it
up your nose! And it makes you sneeze, huh. I imagine it would, Walt, yeah.
Goldenrod seems to do it pretty well over here. It has some other uses,
though. You can chew it? Or put it in a pipe. Or you can shred it up and put
it on a piece of paper, and roll it up - don't tell me, Walt, don't tell me-
you stick in your ear, right Walt? Oh, between your lips! Then what do you do
to it? (Giggling) You set fire to it! Then what do you do, Walt? You inhale
the smoke! You set fire to it! Then what do you do Walt? You inhale the smoke!
Walt, we've been a little worried about you...you're gonna have a tough time
getting people to stick burning leaves in their mouth...."
I'm 74 years old and its
good to be here tonight!...but when you're 74 years old its just good to be
anywhere. B.B. King
My girlfriend is at that
stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me
feel guilty and immature. Kevin Hench
Most people hate the taste of beer to begin with. It is, however, a prejudice
that many people have been able to overcome. Winston Churchill
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are
putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. Mark Twain
- Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the
kind of chick he marries.
- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt,
that he forgets his sugar.
- Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
- When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
- If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she
will never turn into an old nag.
- On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the
- A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin',
cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept
- Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds,
and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and
start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember
- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young.
- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they
don't recognize you.
- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at
when you are old
Always go to other people's funerals,
otherwise they won't come to yours. Yogi Berra
Politics makes me sick.
William Howard Taft
I have come to the
conclusion that the major part of the work of a President is to increase the
gate receipts of expositions and fairs and bring tourists to town.
William Howard Taft
I think I might as well
give up being a candidate. There are so many people in the country who don't
like me. William Howard Taft
Those who jump off a bridge in
Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with
your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Traffic Light -- apparatus
that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
Divorce-- postgraduate in School of Love.
Pioneer-- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the
People -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority
has no idea what's happened.
Swimming Pool -- a mob of people with water in it.
Self Control -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
Salesman-- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
Cannibal -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
Egocentric -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
Foreign DFilmn -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
Optimist-- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
Magazine -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next
College-- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the
Emergency Numbers Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
Opera -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding
Buffet-- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
Baby Sitter -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults
who are out can behave like teen-agers.
Tattoo-- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
A California congressman
was reporting back on his trip from Baghdad. He said that almost no one spoke
English, poison gas filled the sky, and he saw people firing guns in the street
and that was on the way to the L.A. airport. Jay Leno
Don't knock the weather. If
it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a
conversation. Kin Hubbard
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go
Dog for sale: It eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the
job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
All human beings should
try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes.
Human Dignity has gleamed only now and then and here and there, in lonely
splendor, throughout the ages, a hope of the better men, never an achievement of
the majority. James Thurber
I hate women because they always know where things are.
I loathe the expression 'What makes him tick.' It is the American mind, looking
for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not
only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be
put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a
thunderstorm. James Thurber
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I
tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion
that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy.
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation.
The only rules comedy
can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man
listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they
try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you
said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good
cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a
considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
Summer afternoon - Summer
afternoon... the two most beautiful words in the English language. Henry
wife's fantasy ---OR
Signs you might have
married a gay guy
if he says :
~Wow, I just don't know what
to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the
mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
~Hey, how about inviting your
mother to spend the summer with us.
~Oh, go ahead and eat that
third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny
~What luck, they had a special
rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
~You know, that Pam Anderson
just doesn't seem to have the brainpower that I find so attractive in a woman.
~What a break, I won a prize
on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of
the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get
to go to the ballet!!!
~Who wants to play golf when I
can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
~Shoot, there's nothing on TV
but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
~Man I tell you, nothing feels
better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
~I'm getting a little tired of
steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
~You know, I think I'd really
prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
~Golly I think we're lost. Let
me find a gas station to ask for directions.
~My golf clubs are only 30
years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something
nice for the house.
~If the guys call and want me
to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to
get the living room painted tonight.
~Sports cars are just such
stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
~If you're looking for me
later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
~You know, we really don't
visit your relatives enough.
~Why don't you relax this
weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
Real ? Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet
Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Include your Children When Baking Cookies
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity
Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
It was different when we
were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about
not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash- trays
for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay
We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath. 'Well, I'm
bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got to make a phone call, hold this
gum in your mouth.'" --Brad Stine
Doesn't it bother you when people litter? The most creative rationale for
throwing an apple core out the window is 'It will plant seeds for other threes
to grow.' And, of course, our highways are lined with apple trees--right next to
all the cigarette bushes." --Nick Arnette
If Lincoln were alive
today he'd roll over in his grave. Gerald Ford
What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives
itself. Abraham Lincoln
A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a while ago. He slapped some egg on
his face and went as a liberal economist. Ronald Reagan
I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job. George Bush
You know you're growing
older when... you and your teeth don't sleep together. Anon
You know you're getting
old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow
this out.. Jerry Seinfeld
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car,
and you get about the same results.
The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still
on your side.
Avenge yourself -- live long enough to be a problem to your children.
The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and
hide the keys to the car.
Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are
finally in bed.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can
tell when he's really in trouble.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too
young to borrow the family car.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and
easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do
it, or forbid your children to do it..
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the
driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small,
and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they
know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
A cucumber should be
well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.
Don't think of retiring from the world until the world will be sorry that you
retire. I hate a fellow whom pride or cowardice or laziness drives into a
corner, and who does nothing when he is there but sit and growl. Let him come
out as I do, and bark. Samuel
I've been on a diet for two
weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. Totie Fields
I often quote myself. It
adds spice to my conversation. George Bernard Shaw
I just put on what the
lady says. I've been married three times, so I've had lots of supervision.
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody would do
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody
wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could
Here lies an Atheist - All dressed up - And no place to go. Anon
I went to buy some
camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
Apparently real Elementary
School Excuse Notes my mom didn't write
Larry was at his grandmother's
yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember
where the school was.
Bonnie would not finish his work
last night. She said her brain was too tired of spelling.
Erin hurt his knee in a karate
tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain
to do his math assignment.
Amie did not do her homework last
night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she
is tired, please let her sleep during recess time.
Hank stayed home because he had a
stomachache from eating too much frosting.
It was my fault Mike did not do
his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil
sharpener at home.
Scott didn't practice last night
because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet.
Debbie was late on Wednesday.
She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard.
Cody was absent yesterday because
we were out bowling until 2 AM.
Tammy wasn't in school yesterday
because she thought it was Saturday.
* Please note - to the best of my knowledge all
of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and
attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you
have something that should be included please send an e-mail with that
material. Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -
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Words of Wisdom
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