Quotes -  Misquotes - & One Liners

Page  1

I have nothing to say, and I'll only say it once.


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Disclaimer : The information on this transmission is intended to be totally   worthless and devoid of any benefit to anyone with the  exception of, possibly, the intended recipient. If you  received this communication in error or if you accidentally   read it when it wasn't addressed to you, then please immediately delete all of your saved game files and email  addresses and then energetically beat yourself about the head and shoulders with a recent technology publication of your choice. All other more intelligent actions taken in response to this information are prohibited, so there.

*- Also see disclaimer at end of page--


 

 

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it." -
-
Franklin P. Jones

  

 

Imitation is the sincerest form of television." --
 
Fred Allen

 

 

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." -- Mark Twain

 

 

Man is a reasoning rather than a reasonable animal.  Alexander Hamilton

 

 

Man is a piece of the universe made alive. Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

A hundred men may make an encampment but it takes a woman to make a home. Chinese proverb

 

 

A good husband should be deaf and a good wife should be blind. French proverb 

 

  

 A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better. Anonymous 

 

 

"Life's a joke that's just begun." W.S. Gilbert

 

 

"There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes."
        -- William Bennett, German man of letters, aesthetician
 



"Some people drift along like a cork on a river, feeling that they
cannot do anything except drift, moment to moment.  This is an
attitude of mind.  Everyone can be constructive even in tiny ways."
        -- Edward De Bono, Maltese physician and educator


 



"Leadership is practiced not so much in words as in attitude and in
actions."        -- Harold S. Geneen, American businessman

 

 


"Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I've had my share.  But
whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic
attitude.  In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to
laugh."        -- Katharine Hepburn, American actress

 




"I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a
choice of attitude."         -- Judith M. Knowlton, American tennis player and activist

 

 

 

"The world I create in the writing compensates for what the real
world does not give me."        -- Gloria Evangelina Anzaldua, U.S.-Tejana-Chicana poet




"Writing, I think, is not apart from living.  Writing is a kind of
double living.  The writer experiences everything twice.  Once in
reality and once in that mirror which waits always before or
behind."        -- Catherine Drinker Bowen, American writer

 


"The twisted circumstances under which we live is grist for the
writing mill, the loving, hating and discovering, finding new
handles for old pitchers..."        -- Alice Childress, American playwright, actress, and director
 



"A journalist is someone who looks at the world and the way it
works, someone who takes a close look at things every day and
reports what she sees, someone who represents the world, the event,
for others."        -- Marguerite Duras, French novelist and playwright

 

 

"Good hitters don't just go up and swing. They always have a plan. Call it
an educated deduction. You visualize. You're like a good negotiator. You
know what you have, you know what he has, then you try to work it out." -
Former Toronto Blue Jay Dave Winfield

 

 

 

"A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives."
Jackie Robinson

 


 

Neo-Latinisms

 

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam
possit materiari? 

(How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 

 

 "Non urum ad ventum" [recall that the Latin letter "v" is
     pronounced as a "w"]

 Don't pee into the wind 

 

 

 "Illegitimati non carborundum"
 

 Don't let the bastards grind you down

 


   "Carborundi non    illegitimatum" trans:


"Don't let the grind make a bastard out of you."
 


"Fac ut gaudeam"


     (
"Go ahead -- make my day"...

or, more literally "Do, so that I may rejoice.")

 


 

 

"If it was going to be easy to raise kids, it never would have started with something called labour."

 

 

"Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese." 
        
Billie Burke (1884-1970), Actress

 

 

"Dogs have so many friends because they wag their tails and not their tongues."

 

 

"The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the
strong."          -- Mahatma Gandhi, Indian philosopher

 




"Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function
regardless of the temperature of the heart."
        -- Corrie Ten Boom, Dutch evangelist
 

 



"Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a
false label on an evil act.  It means, rather, that the evil act no
longer remains as a barrier to the relationship."
        -- Martin Luther King Jr., American clergyman, civil rights
           leader, Nobel laureate

 

 

"A mediocre idea that generates enthusiasm will go further than a great idea that inspires no one."
-- Mary Kay Ash

 

 

If Bill Gates had a dime  for every time Windows  crashed... Oh, Wait!! He Does!"

 

 

 

 "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."  Yogi Berra

 

 

 

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right

 

  

"Each person has inside a basic decency and goodness. If he listens to it and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what it is the world needs most. It is not complicated but it takes courage... to listen to his own goodness."
 Pablo Casals, Spanish cellist and conductor

 

 

"Our awesome responsibility to ourselves, to our children, and to the future is to create ourselves in the image of goodness, because the future depends on the nobility of our imaginings." -
- Barbara Grizzuti Harrison
, American writer and publicist

 

 

"There is not much danger that real talent or goodness will be overlooked long; even if it is, the consciousness of possessing and using it well should satisfy one."
-- Louisa May Alcott, American novelist
 

 

"Our life is what our thoughts make it. A man will find that as he alters his thoughts toward things and other people, things and other people will alter towards him."
-- James Allen

 

 

 

"Virtue is simply happiness, and happiness is a by-product of function. You are happy when you are functioning."
-- William S. Burroughs
, American writer

 

 

"The one happiness is to shut one's door upon a little room, with a table before one, and to create; to create life in that isolation from life." -- Eleonora Duse, Italian actress

 

 

"The crowning fortune of a man is to be born to some pursuit which finds him employment and happiness, whether it be to make baskets, or broadswords, or canals, or statues, or songs." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, American philosopher, poet, and essayist

 

 

"I have discovered the secret of happiness -- it is work, either with the hands or the head. The moment I have something to do, the draughts are open and my chimney draws, and I am happy." -- John Burroughs, American author and naturalist

 

 

"Hate is the consequence of fear; we fear something before we hate it; a child who fears noises becomes a man who hates noise." -- Cyril Connolly, writer and journalist

 

 

"It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get." -- Morarji Desai, Indian government official

 

 

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." --
 Martin Luther King, Jr., American civil rights leader and clergyman

 

 

Hear about the guy who played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

 

 

 

"Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle
of it." -- P. J. O'Rourke

 

 

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook

 

 

 

"You've got to think about 'big things' while you're doing small things,
so that all the small things go in the right direction."
-- Alvin Toffler

 

 

 

"We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same." - Anne Frank

 

 

 

Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

 

 

 

"A good conversationalist is not one who remembers what was said, but says what someone wants to remember." -- John Mason Brown, American critic and lecturer

 

 

"The true spirit of conversation consists in building on another man's observation, not overturning it."
-- Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton, English statesman and poet Roman statesman, scholar, and orator

 

 

"In conversation the game is, to say something new with old words. And you shall observe a man of the people picking his way along, step by step, using every time an old boulder, yet never setting his foot on an old place." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, American philosopher, poet, and essayist
 

 

 

"Coaching is like being King. It prepares you for nothing."
- Herb Brooks

 

 

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints.
They're upstairs in my socks."     - Groucho Marx

 

 

"The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas."
-- Linus Pauling

 

 

"Painting is just another way of keeping a diary."
- Pablo Picasso

 


 

DUMB SPORTS QUOTES

*"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who
turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

*"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"
(David Coleman)
 

*"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the ace, only exactly the opposite." (Murray
Walker
)

*Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance
doyou think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables:
"I think it's 50-50."

*"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather
than lost." (Frank Bruno)

*"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people."
(David Coleman)

*"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one
behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

*"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father."  (Greg Norman)

*"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of
them serious." (Alan Minter)

*"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast
they are running." (Ron Pickering)

*"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted
Lowe)


*"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is
absolutely round."  (
Tony Crozier)

 


 

"We peer so suspiciously at each other that we cannot see that we
Canadians are standing on a mountaintop of human wealth, freedom and
privilege."  -- Pierre Trudeau

 

 

"In a dark time, the eye begins to see."
-- Theodore Roethke

 

 

"The glory of friendship is not in the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is in the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him." -
- Ralph Waldo Emerson, American philosopher, poet, and essayist

 

 

"The greatest sweetener of human life is friendship. To raise this to the highest pitch of enjoyment, is a secret which but few discover." --Joseph Addison, English poet, essayist, and playwright

 

 

"I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship." -- Pietro Aretino, Italian poet, writer, and dramatist

 

 

"Friendship makes prosperity brighter, while it lightens adversity by sharing its grieves and anxieties." -
- Marcus Tullius Cicero, Roman statesman, scholar, and orator

 

 

"True friendship brings sunshine to the shade, and shade to the sunshine."
-- Thomas Burke, English statesman and poet

 

 

"How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of
them."      - Groucho Marx

 

 

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
- Carl Jung

 

 

"No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks
like."     - George Carlin

 

 

"One thing I have learned in a long life: that all our science, measured against reality, is primitive and childlike
--and yet it is the most precious thing we have."  
Albert Einstein

 

 

 

"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."
- Mark Twain

 

  

 

"I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps
it's because I haven't been writing." Groucho Marx!!

 

 

 

"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."
-Rita May Brown.

 

 

 

"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the
bottom of which you will always find forgiveness."
- Honore' de Balzac

 

 

 

"I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in
pencil."     - Steven Wright

 

 


Groucho  Marx :

 

I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...if, of course, you like living in an institution.

From Monkey Business: "I know, I know, you're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night."

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Blood's not thicker than money. I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

From At the Circus: "You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank champagne from your slipper--two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles."

I drink to make other people interesting.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My mother loved children---she would have given anything if I had been one.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time wounds all heels.

So just what ARE time flies, and why do they fly like an ARROW?

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don't want any!"

Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Remember men, you are fighting for the lady's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.

Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pyjamas. How he got in my panamas I'll never know.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I'll never forget my wedding day...they threw vitamin pills.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.


 

"My idea of social change is lots of tens and twenties." -- Malcolm S.Forbes

 

 

"The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world."
William Ross Wallace

 

 

"You canít let praise or criticism get to you.  Itís a weakness to get
caught up in either one."   -- John Wooden

 

 

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but
none of them serious."     - Alan Minter

 

 

"Karaoke bars combine two of the nationís greatest evils:
people who shouldnít drink with people who shouldnít sing."
     - Tom Dreesen

 

 

"Cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh." - Homer Simpson

 

 

"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit." - Eric Porterfield.

 

 

 

"I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'"      - Dave George

 

 

 

"I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in
only ten minutes."      - Steven Wright
 

 

 

 

"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss." - Jim Murray

 

 


 

*Tips From Cowboys*

~ Never squat with your spurs on!

~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman ....
Neither one works.

~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.
Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.

~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good
he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along
and shot him.  The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your
mouth shut.

~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop  diggin'.

~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that  comes from bad judgement.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every
now and then to make sure it's still there.

~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,
don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have
it thrown around by somebody else.

~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin'  it back.

~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to
know what it was.

~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and
put it back in your pocket.

~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 


 

  "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

 

  A little nonsense now and then  Is relished by the wisest men." 

 

 Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty"

 

 

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."   --George Bernard Shaw

 

Remember:  Your friends need loving the most      when they deserve it the least!

 

 

"When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, 'Give
me a table near a waiter.'"      - Henny Youngman

 

 

"In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.
This person must be fired."- Conway's Law

 

 

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a
misprint." --Mark Twain

 

 

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbour like you like to be liked yourself."
 - George W. Bush Jr

 

 

"Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from
molasses." - Anonymous

 

 

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."  - Galileo Galilei

 

 

"Wisdom is what you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have
preferred to talk." -- Doug Larson

 

 

"Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.
It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, wouldn't you be  paranoid?"      - Steven Wright

  

 

"No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back." -- Turkish proverb

 

 

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. Of course, there are lots of other words he doesn't know either."      - San Diego Chargers coach Sid Gilman on one of his   first year players.

 

 

 

"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes." - Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)

 

 

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

 

 

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me
to see him in a department store, and he asked for my
autograph. -- Shirley Temple

 

 

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to
end, it would probably be Labour Day Weekend. -- Doug Lars

 

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can
prove that you don't need it. -- Bob Hope


 

I know that there are people in this world who do not
love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
-- Tom Lehrer
 


 

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive
Thinking," and then I thought: What good would that
do? -- Ronnie Shakes

 

 

It is difficult to produce a television documentary
that is both incisive and probing when every 12 minutes
one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about
toilet paper. --Rod Sterling

 

 

Somewhere on this globe, every 10 seconds, there is a
woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and
stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

 

 

Television - a medium. So called because it is
neither rare nor well-done. -- Ernie Kovacs

 

 

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals
of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.
-- H.L. Mencken

 

 

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a
bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
-- G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

 

 

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the
United States, unless you count the increasing popularity
of the 9 millimetre bullet. -- Dave Barry



 

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. -- Wolfgang Pauli,
on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

 

 

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash
register open and the toilets locked. They must think
toilet paper is worth more than money. -- Joey Bishop

 

 

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones

 

 

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat,
that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

 

 

When you go into court you are putting your fate into
the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get
out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby



 

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because
their friends thought I didn't exist. -- Aaron Machado

 

 

The reason there are two senators for each state is so
that one can be the designated driver. -- Jay Leno

 

 

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters
is whether I win or lose. -- Darrin Weinberg

 

 

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage
of your life in which you will be happy to hear that
the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz

 

 

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks
around for a coffin. -- H.L. Mencken

 

 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day." -- George Carlin

 

"I don't know. I'm not in shape yet." - Yogi Berra, when asked in spring training what size cap he wore

 

 

"He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far
and wide as a smart ass."  -Howard Kandel

 

Signs


In a health food shop window:
    Closed due to illness.
   
   In an office:
    After the coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board.
   
   On a church door:
    This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
    (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
   
   Seen during a conference:
    For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
   
   In a Laundromat:
    Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
   
   Message on a leaflet:
    If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
   
   On a repair shop door:
    We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
   
   Spotted in a safari park:
    Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
   
   In a London department store:
    Bargain Basement Upstairs
   
   Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
    Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
   
   Outside a second-hand shop:
    We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
   
   Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
    Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
   
   Also in an office:
    Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
   
   Notice in a field:
    The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
   
   Quicksand warning:
    Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned...
    By order of the District Council.


 

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore likean idiot." -- Steven Wright

 

 'Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.' - Anon.

  

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what
separates us from the animals... except the weasel."      - Homer Simpson

 

"The income tax has made more liars out of American people than golf has."
  -- Will Rogers

 

"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are."
- Gore Vidal

 

1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone

 

1 million bicycles:  2 megacycles

 

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." - H. G. Wells

 

George: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!"     John: "Great trade!"

 

 

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

 

 

"There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can
cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will."    - Anonymous

 


"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a sup-
port group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at
the bar." -Drew Carey

 

 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book -- I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

 

"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid."
- George Bernard Shaw

 

 

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

 

 

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I
gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take
more than one night.' "    - Charlie Brown

 

 

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall
into an open sewer and die."      - Mel Brooks.

 

Weird is weird.
It doesn't follow the "i before e except after c" rule.

 

"Brothers  and sisters, if there are any among you who have sinned and
are unrepentant, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your  mouf!"

 

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close
to someone who will leave them alone.    - Elayne Boosler


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 *- Also see disclaimer at start of page--

 


*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail             
    

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