- Misquotes - & One Liners
I think I understand what I thought you said;
I'm just not sure what I thought I heard is what you thought you meant.
I think I understand what I
thought you said; I'm just not sure what I thought I heard is what you thought
you meant. Unknown
The future will be better tomorrow."- Dan Quayle
is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people. -
Logan Pearsall Smith
For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours and laugh at them in
our turn? Jane Austen
The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you
stand up to speak in public.-- George Jessel
The optimist proclaims
that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is
true. - James Branch Cabell
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do
and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
If at first you don't
succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.- Bill Lyon
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- Will Rogers
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level." -- Quentin
At first I thought that my life was going around in circles. Then I realized
it's actually a downward spiral. Tom Ryan
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. -- Quentin
When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons. What else ya got? -
Hard work spotlights
the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses,
and some don't turn up at all." - Sam Ewig
Money is better than poverty, if only for
financial reasons. - Woody Allen.
word to the wise ainít necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the
advice.- Bill Cosby
Both the cockroach and the bird would get along very well without us, although
the cockroach would miss us most. Joseph Wood Krutch
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through
if you are a crook or a martyr. Will Rogers
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be
irresponsible, too." -- Lichty and Wagner
Dear God from Kids
Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you
made on Tuesday. That was cool.
Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why
don't You just keep the ones You have?
Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time
loving all of them.
Dear God: In school they told us what You do... But Who does it when You're
Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in to Heaven if he uses his
bowling words in the house?
Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an
Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is
Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if
they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because
if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
Dear God: Thank You for the baby brother... but what I asked for was a
Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can
look it up.
Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so
much hair all over.
Dear God: You don't have to worry about me - I always look both ways.
And now kids & proverbs
Given the first half -
kids supplied the second:
Two's Company, Three's...
It's Always Darkest Before...
Daylight Savings Time.
Strike While The...
Bug Is Close.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of...
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But...
Better Be Safe Than...
Punch A 5th Grader.
Don't Bite The Hand That...
No News Is...
A Miss Is As Good As A...
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New...
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll...
Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust..
Too many cooks
Too many dirty dishes
An Idle Mind Is...
The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's...
Happy The Bride Who...
Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is...
The Pen Is Mightier Than The...
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What...
You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And...
You Have To Blow Your Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not...
Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed...
Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You...
See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind...
Get Out Of The Way.
Asked of the Sunday school teacher - Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the
Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
Long walks are wonderful... especially when taken by people who annoy me.
The early bird
who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
I joined a health club last year and spent about $500 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound... It seems you have to show up!
Exercise early in the morning before your brain figures out what you're
One advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
Taking up cross-country skiing? Hint: start with a small country.
Old Mrs. Tucker started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's
87 years old and we don't know where the heck she is!
What a hotel we're staying at! The towels are so big and fluffy, you can hardly
close your suitcase!" - Bessie and Beulah
I signed up for an exercise
class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting
clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
The worst thing about
accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
Never argue with an idiot,
people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if
whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start
Stress is when you wake up
screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My wife says I never listen
to her. At least I think that's what she said.
Just remember...if the
world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Why is it that our children
can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
If raising children was
going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!
Brain cells come and brain
cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Adam and Eve had an ideal
marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and
she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
1. Takeoffs are optional.
Landings are mandatory.
2. If you push the stick
forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
3. Flying isn't dangerous.
Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down
here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The only time you have too
much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big
fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can
actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to
your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from
which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use
the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of
others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with
the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival
is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival
equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.
12. Never let an airplane take
you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The
silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in
the opposite direction.
14. Reliable sources also report
that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
15. There are three simple rules
for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of
luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of
experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Keep looking around.
There's always something you've missed.
18. If all you can see out of
the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is
commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they
19. In the ongoing battle
between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the
ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from
experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to
keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. There are old pilots and
there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
23. Remember, gravity is not
just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. Always try to keep the
number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
25. The three most useless
things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a
26. Helicopters can't fly;
they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
They say the house didn't float very far at all.
The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.
The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.
But Your Money Market fund is up
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
Wolfgang Pauli (1900 - 1958), on a paper submitted by a physicist
A man who spends a lot of time at the beach
What you do for your wife after she has had a stressful day
Welfare for crocodiles
Letting the fat out of the bag.
Nickname for a short girl named Catherine.
Feathers from the chest of a not-so-fast goose
Poetry on the roof.
What the posse did to the lady rustler
don't like my attitude, you should see my cat"
cannot be improved"
advice. I'm not using it."
to help you out. Which way did you come in?"
how you feel. We don't care, but we know."
owners. Cats have staff."
of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. We have never forgotten this."
please remember folks - ALWAYS GIVE
If quitters never win and
winners never quit, what about - Quit while you're ahead ?
If it's true that we are
here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
No one ever says "It's only
a game" when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never
If you can't be kind, at
least have the decency to be vague.
Madam, you have between
your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can
do is scratch it. --Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist.
A grenade thrown into a
kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Those who get too big for their britches
will be exposed in the end.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
You know, a lot of money is tainted...
It taint yours and it taint mine.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
When an actress saw her first strands of
gray hair she thought she'd dye.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine
is fully recovered.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
On going to war over
religion: You're basically killing each other to see who's got the
better imaginary friend.
On Incompetence: When you earnestly believe you can make up for a lack of
skill by doubling your effort, - - - - there is no end to what you can't
On doctors : I've been holding off getting a medical check-up. Who wants to
pay a doctor $150 just to have him tell you you've got to quit doing everything
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of
using it." Gordon R. Dickson
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." ~ George Carlin
How long a minute is depends on
what side of the bathroom door you're on.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Sure I earn a seven-figure salary... Sadly, there's a decimal point involved.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
How come we choose from just two people for Prime Minister and 50 for Miss
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear my Mom's words of wisdom:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
We gave our son a hint... On his room door we put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your
mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway
Mixed Mettyfours and udder sillygisms...
He exhumes confidence.
I'm sure he was drunk, he was driving erotically.
It goes in one ear and down his back like a duck's water!
That's putting the chicken before the cart
He's as slow as malaria.
If I had millions of dollars I would go to poor African countries and wash
their babies. I would be a mercenary.
They're throwing us a blind herring.
You have to shoot where the fish are barking.
He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.
I've been thinking about giving that some thought.
I slept like a banshee.
If you are left holding the bag, we will fill it.
Deep down, she's shallow.
He's going to hell and a handkerchief.
I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting.
Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?
They want the site to be designed in such a way that it eludes
We're going to be doing some manual automation.
You've buttered your bread, now lay in it.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to
live to be a hundred." -- Woody Allen
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.00 at most bowling alleys.
Yes, I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.
Sign on Oriental Pet Store: "Buy wondog, get won flea..."
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Toilet", "Kaopectate", and "Peptobismol"
in nine languages.
If I'm a nobody, and nobody is perfect, then... I am perfect.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and the stupid idiot's.
I have learned there is little difference in wives, you might as well keep
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting underwear &
socks for Christmas!
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber,
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime
you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability
you'll get it wrong.- Andy Rooney
He can compress the most
words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln
I've had a perfectly
wonderful evening. But, this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx
He has the attention span
of a lightning bolt. - Robert Redford
They never open their
mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas
He inherited some good
instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame
them.- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
In order to avoid being
called a flirt, she always yielded easily. - Charles, Count Talleyrand
He loves nature in spite of
what it did to him.- Forrest Tucker
Why do you sit there
looking like an envelope without any address on it? - Mark Twain
I didn't attend the
funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark
His mother should have
thrown him away and kept the stork.- Mae West
Some cause happiness
wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
He has no enemies, but is
intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde
He uses statistics as a
drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination.
He has Van Gogh's ear for
music." - Billy Wilder
meanings, - possibly (?) from The Washington Post
1. Coffee (n), a
person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj),
appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v),
to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v),
to attempt an explanation when drunk..
5. Willy-nilly (adj),
6. Negligent (adj),
describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in
7. Lymph (v), to
walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n),
an olive flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n),
the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
(n), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n),
a humorous question in an exam.
12. Rectitude (n),
the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before
he examines you.
13. Oyster (n), a
person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
(n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
(n), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), a
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account
be allowed to do the job. Douglas Adams
There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't
tell you about it? - Kin Hubbard
Never go to
bed angry. Stay awake and scream at each other for 24 hours, 36 hours - however
long it takes - but never go to bed angry.
is the key to a good marriage. Be sure your mate knows every last little
thing about him/her that bugs you.
to your mate, always employ soothing, patronizing tones.
In a two-job
household, both careers need to be considered, even if one is some silly little
People are like tea bags -
you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. . . He came out all right.
How will you spend eternity? Smoking or Non-smoking?
Economic Forecast: It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
1. Suivez la piste: Follow the drunken woman
2. Hors de combat: Ladies of easy virtue, who
specialise in military clients
3. La vie en rose: The pink aircraft (this can also
mean rare meat, depending on the context)
4. Tant pis: My aunt is in the bathroom
5. En garde: In the railway station
6. Femme fatale: A dead woman
7. Coup de grace: Lawn mower
8. Coupe de glace: A Chinese putting somebody out of
9. Grand cru: The Swiss team that won the America's
10. Neanmoins: Even smaller than a midget
11. Chaumiere: A place where unemployed people live
Instead of giving money to fund colleges to promote learning, why don't they
pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If
it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have
the smartest race of people on earth. Will Rogers
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi
cabs and cutting hair. George Burns
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to
always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
If the enemy is in range, so
are you." -Infantry Journal
It is generally inadvisable
to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual
Whoever said the pen is
mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac
Try to look unimportant;
they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal
You, you, and you . . .
Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordinance
Five second fuses only last
three seconds."-Infantry Journal
Don't ever be the first,
don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy
Bravery is being the only
one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth
If your attack is going too
well, you're walking into an ambush."-Infantry Journal
No combat ready unit has
ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay
Any ship can be a
minesweeper... once." -Anon
Never tell the Platoon
Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
Don't draw fire; it
irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies
If you see a bomb technician
running, follow him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
I feel so miserable without you,
it's almost like having you
here. - Stephen Bishop
He is a self-made man & worships his creator. - John Bright
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I
admire. - Winston Churchill
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
He has never been known to use a word that might send a
reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner (about Ernest
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from
big words? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no
time reading it. - Moses Hadas
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in
others. - Samuel Johnson
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul
He had delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't
cure. - Jack E. Leonard
There was an important job
to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would
do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about
that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it
but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it! It ended up that Everybody
blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
CEO ... Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO ... Corporate Fraud Officer
MBA ... Master of Bogus Accounting
BULL MARKET ... A random market movement causing an
investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET ... An extended period when kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING ... The art of buying low, and selling
P/E RATIO ... The percentage of investors wetting
their pants as the market goes lower.
BROKER ... What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR ... My life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST ... Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
STOCK SPLIT ... When your ex-wife and her lawyer split
your assets between them.
FINANCIAL PLANNER ... A guy whose phone has been
MARKET CORRECTION ... The day after I buy stocks.
CASH FLOW ... The movement my money makes as it
disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO ... What you yell after selling it to some poor
WINDOWS 2000 ... What you jump out of when you are the
poor sucker above.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR ... Last year's investor who is
now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT ... an archaic word, no longer in use.
Stages Of Married Life
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5 Try anything
6. Try to remember.
getting old when
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you
didn't do anything the night before.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that
will get you home earlier.
You're getting old when 'tying one on' means fastening your Medic-Alert
As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: The less and less we
feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you
are not a hypochondriac.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
I don't date women my age. . . There aren't any. (Milton Berle)
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only
thing you care to exercise.
I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your
library card has expired. (M. Berle)
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't
have to go along.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until
you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her
to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial
Please note the first five letters of this word spell
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you
take a flyer
on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds
during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're
supposed to be
listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person
he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in
short position is what a person usually ends up being in
Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock
which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks
and your broker is making a margin call.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary,
how would we ever know?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
* Please note - to the best of my knowledge all
of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and
attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you
have something that should be included please send an e-mail with that
material. Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -
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Words of Wisdom
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Copyright © 2006 by J. Gordon Anderson. All rights reserved.