Quotes -  Misquotes - & One Liners

Page  10

I think I understand what I thought you said; I'm just not sure what I thought I heard is what you thought you meant.    Unknown


Google
 
Web gordonanderson.ca
  

I think I understand what I thought you said; I'm just not sure what I thought I heard is what you thought you meant.    Unknown

 

  

The future will be better tomorrow."- Dan Quayle

  

 

It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people. - Logan Pearsall Smith

 

  

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours and laugh at them in our turn?   Jane Austen

  

 

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.-- George Jessel

 

 

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. - James Branch Cabell

 

 

 

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little

 

  

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.- Bill Lyon

   

 

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers

  

  

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level." -- Quentin Crisp

 

  

 

At first I thought that my life was going around in circles. Then I realized it's actually a downward spiral. Tom Ryan
   

  

 

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. -- Quentin Crisp

 

  

 

When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons. What else ya got?   - Henry Rollins

 

 

 

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." - Sam Ewig

 

  

 

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen.

 

 

 

A word to the wise ainít necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice.- Bill Cosby

 

 

 

Both the cockroach and the bird would get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most.      Joseph Wood Krutch

  

 

 

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.   Will Rogers

 

 

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too." -- Lichty and Wagner

 

  

 

Dear God   from Kids
   
   Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
   
   Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.
   
   Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?
   
   Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.
   
   Dear God: In school they told us what You do... But Who does it when You're on vacation?
   
   Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in to Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
   
   Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
   
   Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries?
   
   Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?
   
   Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
   
   Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
   
   Dear God: Thank You for the baby brother... but what I asked for was a puppy.
   
   Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
   
   Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
   
   Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
   
   Dear God: You don't have to worry about me - I always look both ways.

 

 

 

 

And now kids & proverbs

 

Given the first half - kids supplied the second:

 


Two's Company, Three's...
The Musketeers.

 


It's Always Darkest Before...
Daylight Savings Time.



Strike While The...
Bug Is Close.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of...
Termites.



You Can Lead A Horse To Water But...
How?



Better Be Safe Than...
Punch A 5th Grader.



Don't Bite The Hand That...
Looks Dirty.

 


No News Is...
Impossible.



A Miss Is As Good As A...
Mister

 


You Can't Teach An Old Dog New...
Math.



If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll...
Stink In The Morning.

 


Love All, Trust..
Me

 

Too many cooks

Too many dirty dishes

 



An Idle Mind Is...
The Best Way To Relax.

 



Where There's Smoke, There's...
Pollution.

 

 


Happy The Bride Who...
Gets All The Presents!

 



A Penny Saved Is...
Not Much.

 


The Pen Is Mightier Than The...
Pigs.

 

 


Don't Put Off Tomorrow What...
You Put On To Go To Bed.

 


Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And...
You Have To Blow Your Nose.



Children Should Be Seen And Not...
Spanked Or Grounded.

 

 


If At First You Don't Succeed...
Get New Batteries.



You Get Out Of Something What You...
See Pictured On The Box.



When The Blind Leadeth The Blind...
Get Out Of The Way. 

 

 

   

Asked of the Sunday school teacher -  Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

 

   

   The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

  

 
   
   Long walks are wonderful... especially when taken by people who annoy me.

  

  


   
The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm. Travis McGee

   

 


   I joined a health club last year and spent about $500 bucks. Haven't lost a pound... It seems you have to show up!
   

  

 


   Exercise early in the morning before your brain figures out what you're doing.

 


    


   One advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   

 


   
   Taking up cross-country skiing? Hint: start with a small country.

 

  


   
   Old Mrs. Tucker started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 87 years old and we don't know where the heck she is! 

 

 

What a hotel we're staying at! The towels are so big and fluffy, you can hardly close your suitcase!" - Bessie and Beulah

  

 

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

  

  

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

 

 

Never argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

  

 

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

  

 

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

  

 

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

  

 

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

  

 

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

  

 

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!

  

 

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

  

 

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

  

 

 About Flying   

1. Takeoffs are optional.  Landings are mandatory.

 

2.  If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.

 

3.  Flying isn't dangerous.  Crashing is dangerous.

 

4.  It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

 

5.  The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

 

6.  The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.  When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

 

7.  When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.  No one has ever collided with the sky.

 

8.  A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away.  A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

 

9.  Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won't live long enough to

make all of them yourself.

 

10.  You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

 

11.  The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.  Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.

 

12.  Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to

five minutes earlier.

 

13.  Stay out of clouds.  The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

 

14.  Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

 

15.  There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

 

16.  You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.  The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

 

17.  Keep looking around.  There's always something you've missed.

 

18.  If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

 

19.  In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

 

20.  Good judgment comes from experience.  Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

 

21.  It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

 

22.  There are old pilots and there are bold pilots.  There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

 

23.  Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.  It's the law.  And it's not subject to repeal.

 

24.  Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.

 

25.  The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

 

26.  Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

 

 

  

Good News*

 

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

 

They say the house didn't float very far at all.

 

The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.

 

The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.

 

The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.

 

 But Your Money  Market fund  is up 

 

  

 

 This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.  
   Wolfgang Pauli (1900 - 1958), on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague
   

  

 Tangent:
    A man who spends a lot of time at the beach
   
   Rubberneck:
    What you do for your wife after she has had a stressful day
   
   Gator-Aide:
    Welfare for crocodiles
   
   Liposuction:
    Letting the fat out of the bag.
   
   Locate:
    Nickname for a short girl named Catherine.
   
   Slow Down:
    Feathers from the chest of a not-so-fast goose
   
   Versatile:
    Poetry on the roof.
   
   Hunger:
    What the posse did to the lady rustler

 

  

 

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat" 

 

--- She says :

 

"Purrfection cannot be improved"

 

"Take my advice.  I'm not using it."

 

"I'd like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?"

 

"Cats know how you feel.  We don't care, but we know."

 

"Dogs have owners.  Cats have staff."

 

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods.  We have never forgotten this."

 

  

 

And please remember folks - ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK

Monday
.....12%
Tuesday....
23%
Wednesday..
40%
Thursday...
20%
Friday
..... 5%

 

 

 

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what about -   Quit while you're ahead ?

 

  

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what  exactly are the OTHERS here for?

  

 

No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is  winning.

 

  

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

  

 

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be  vague.

 

  

Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it. --Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist.

 

 

 

   A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
    would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
   
   Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
   
   Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
   
   Those who get too big for their britches
    will be exposed in the end.
   
   A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
   
   You know, a lot of money is tainted...
    It taint yours and it taint mine.
   
   Acupuncture is a jab well done.
   
   Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
   
   When an actress saw her first strands of
    gray hair she thought she'd dye.
   
   A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
   
   Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
   
   Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
   
   The man who fell into an upholstery machine
    is fully recovered.
   
   A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

  

 

On going to war over religion:   You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

  

 

  On Incompetence:    When you earnestly believe you can make up for  a lack of skill by doubling your effort,    - - - -  there is no end to  what you can't do."
   
   


 On doctors :    I've been holding off getting a medical check-up. Who wants to pay a doctor $150 just to have him tell you you've got to quit doing everything you like?

  

 

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it." Gordon R. Dickson

  

 

 "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."  ~ George Carlin

  

 

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

 

   
   No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.


   
   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?


   
   Sure I earn a seven-figure salary... Sadly, there's a decimal point involved.


   
   Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


   
   How come we choose from just two people for Prime Minister and 50 for Miss Canada?


   
   Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
   


   Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear my Mom's words of wisdom: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.


   
   We gave our son a hint... On his room door we put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."


   
   I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   

 

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.  Ernest Hemingway

 

  

Mixed Mettyfours and udder sillygisms...
   


   He exhumes confidence.
   
   I'm sure he was drunk, he was driving erotically.
   
   It goes in one ear and down his back like a duck's water!
   
   That's putting the chicken before the cart
   
   He's as slow as malaria.
   
   If I had millions of dollars I would go to poor African countries and wash their babies. I would be a mercenary.
   
   They're throwing us a blind herring.
   
   You have to shoot where the fish are barking.
   
   He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.
   
   I've been thinking about giving that some thought.
   
   I slept like a banshee.
   
   If you are left holding the bag, we will fill it.
   
   Deep down, she's shallow.
   
   He's going to hell and a handkerchief.
   
   I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting.
   
   Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?
   
   They want the site to be designed in such a way that it eludes professionalism.
   
   We're going to be doing some manual automation.
   
   You've buttered your bread, now lay in it.


   

 

  

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." -- Woody Allen

 

  

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

 


   
   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.00 at most bowling alleys.

 


   
   Yes, I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

 


   
   Sign on Oriental Pet Store: "Buy wondog, get won flea..."
   

 


   Travel is very educational. I can now say "Toilet", "Kaopectate", and "Peptobismol" in nine languages.
   

 


   If I'm a nobody, and nobody is perfect, then... I am perfect.

 


   
   There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and the stupid idiot's.
   

 

   
   I have learned there is little difference in wives, you might as well keep the first.

 


   
   When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting underwear & socks for Christmas!

 

  

  

GREAT TRUTHS

 

  

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

 

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the

second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

 

 

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 

 

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the

toy.

  

 

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

 

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're

down

there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking

chair

that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to

ask

you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

 

 

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

 

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

 

 

 

SUCCESS:

 

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

  

 

 

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

 



If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?


 


When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

 



Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?

 


Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

 



If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

 


When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?


 


Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

 


If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

 



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

  

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.- Andy Rooney

  

  

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.  - Abraham Lincoln

 

   

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But, this wasn't it.   - Groucho Marx

 

  

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. - Robert Redford

  

 

They never open their mouths without subtracting  from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas Brackett Reed

  

 

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

  

 

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. - Charles, Count Talleyrand

  

 

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.- Forrest Tucker

   

 

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? - Mark Twain

   

 

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice  letter saying  I approved of it. - Mark Twain

 

   

His mother should have thrown him away and kept  the stork.- Mae West

 

   

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

 

   

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by  his friends. - Oscar Wilde

  

 

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination.    Andrew Lang

 

  

He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

  

 

 Alternative meanings, - possibly  (?) from The Washington Post

 

     1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.

     2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have   gained.

     3. Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat  stomach.

     4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk..

     5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.

     6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you  absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

     7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.

     8. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash.

     9. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up  after you are run over by a steamroller.

     10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.

     11. Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.

     12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a  proctologist immediately before he examines you.

     13. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with   Yiddish expressions.

     14. Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

     15. Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your   soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

     16. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist. 

 

  

 Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.   Douglas Adams

  

 

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it? - Kin Hubbard

  

Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and scream at each other for 24 hours, 36 hours - however long it takes - but never go to bed angry.

 

Communication is the key to a good marriage. Be sure your  mate knows every last little thing about him/her that bugs you.

 

When speaking to your mate, always employ soothing, patronizing tones.

 

In a two-job household, both careers need to be considered, even if one is some silly little ineffectual endeavour.

  

People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

 


When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. . . He came out all right.

  

How will you spend eternity? Smoking or Non-smoking?

  

Economic Forecast: It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

   

 

Translations ?

     1. Suivez la piste: Follow the drunken woman

     2. Hors de combat: Ladies of easy virtue, who specialise in   military clients

     3. La vie en rose: The pink aircraft (this can also mean rare  meat, depending on the context)

     4. Tant pis: My aunt is in the bathroom

     5. En garde: In the railway station

     6. Femme fatale: A dead woman

     7. Coup de grace: Lawn mower

     8. Coupe de glace: A Chinese putting somebody out of his misery

     9. Grand cru: The Swiss team that won the America's cup

     10. Neanmoins: Even smaller than a midget

     11. Chaumiere: A place where unemployed people live

 

 

  

Instead of giving money to fund colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.  Will Rogers

 

  

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair. George Burns

 

   

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin

   

 

Military



A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

 


Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher



When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps



Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

 

If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal


 

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual


 

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur


 

Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal


 

You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.


 

Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordinance


 

Five second fuses only last three seconds."-Infantry Journal


 

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie


 

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth


 

If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."-Infantry Journal


 

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay


 

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon


 

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit


 

Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies


 

If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

 

 

  

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you
     here.  - Stephen Bishop

 
 He is a self-made man & worships his creator.  - John Bright

 


 He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I
     admire.  - Winston Churchill

 

 A modest little person, with much to be modest about.  -
     Winston Churchill

 

 I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
     trivial.  - Irvin S. Cobb

 


 I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
     with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

 

 He has never been known to use a word that might send a
     reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner (about Ernest
     Hemingway)

 



 Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from
     big words? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

 

 
 Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no
     time reading it. - Moses Hadas

 

 
 He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in
     others. - Samuel Johnson

 


 He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul
     Keating

 


 He had delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr

 

 
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't
     cure. - Jack E. Leonard

  

 

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it! It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

 

 

Financial definitions:

 

     CEO ... Chief Embezzlement Officer

 

     CFO ... Corporate Fraud Officer

 

     MBA ... Master of Bogus Accounting

 

     BULL MARKET ... A random market movement causing an investor to  mistake himself for a financial genius.

 

     BEAR MARKET ... An extended period when kids get no allowance,  the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

 

     VALUE INVESTING ... The art of buying low, and selling lower.

 

     P/E RATIO ... The percentage of investors wetting their pants  as the market goes lower.

 

     BROKER ... What my broker has made me.

 

     STANDARD & POOR ... My life in a nutshell.

 

     STOCK ANALYST ... Idiot who just downgraded my stock.

 

     STOCK SPLIT ... When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your  assets between them.

 

     FINANCIAL PLANNER ... A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

 

     MARKET CORRECTION ... The day after I buy stocks.

 

     CASH FLOW ... The movement my money makes as it disappears down   the toilet.

 

     YAHOO ... What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker.

 

     WINDOWS 2000 ... What you jump out of when you are the poor sucker above.

 

     INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR ... Last year's investor who is now  locked up in a nuthouse.

 

     PROFIT ... an archaic word, no longer in use.

      

 

 

 Stages Of Married Life 

1. Tri-weekly
2. Try weekly 
3. Try weakly 
4. Try oysters 
5 Try anything 
6. Try to remember.

 

 

 

You're getting old when

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You're getting old when 'tying one on' means fastening your Medic-Alert bracelet.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: The less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

I don't date women my age. . . There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
 

 

  

 

Investments*

 

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment

you buy it.  It will then be worth $8.50.

 

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs

to invest in Amazon.com.

 

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.

Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

 

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer

on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

 

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked

during the last quarter.

 

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be

listening to your manager's presentation.

 

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks

he doesn't actually own.  Since this also only ever works in theory, a

short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e.  "The

rent, sir?

Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

 

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market,

which is why your broker charges you one.

 

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged

and your broker is making a margin call.

 

 

 

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?

Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

 

 


*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail
               

  

Words of Wisdom    

       #1     #2     #3     #4      #5        # 6     # 7   #8     # 9  #10  #11


  Wise Cracks


 
    # 1    # 2     # 3 
# 4   # 5   #6   #7     #8      # 9  #10  #11  #12   #13


Family           Home           Photography      Site Map


Copyright © 2006    by J. Gordon Anderson. All rights reserved.