Quotes  & Misquotes & One Liners

Page  2

Most of my clichés aren't original.

Web gordonanderson.ca



Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies In House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again

9. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

10. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms

11. Eye Drops Off Shelf

12. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

13. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead

14. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

15. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

16. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

17. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

18. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

19. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

20. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

21. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

22. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter

23. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

24. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

25. War Dims Hope For Peace

26. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

27. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

28. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

29. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

30. Deer Kill 17,000

31. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

32. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

33. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

34. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

35. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

36. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy

37. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire

38. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply

39. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

40. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

41. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

42. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

43. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

44. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing

45. Air Head Fired

46. Steals Clock, Faces Time

47. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

48. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

49. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

50. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies


51. March Planned For Next August

52.  Blind Bishop Appointed To See

53.Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -- Thief Gives Police The Slip

54. L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

55.  Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

56.  Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

57.  Diaper Market Bottoms Out

58.  Croupiers On Strike; Management Says: "No Big Deal"

59.  Stadium Air Conditioning Fails -- Fans Protest

60.  Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

61.  Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

62. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

63.  Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

64.  Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

65.  Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

66. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

67. Cancer Society Honours Marlboro Man

68. Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

69.  20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

70.  War Dims Hope For Peace

71. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

72. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

73.  Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

74.  Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

75. Man is Fatally Slain

76. Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

77. Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence

78.  Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

79. Police Discover Crack in Australia

80. Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

81.  Collegians are Turning to Vegetables

82. Scientists to Have Ford's Ear

83. Hershey Bars Protest

84.  County Officials to Talk Rubbish

85.  Carter Plans Swell Deficit

86.  Caribbean Islands Drift to Left


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never go anywhere again.

3. DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children.

4. STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.






"I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get
elected."     - Henny Youngman


Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It's   called On & On Anon.


Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.


"Organized religion has taken a turn for the worst. Just the
other day I drove by "The Church of the Seven or So
Commandments: Pastor Bill Clinton and the Reverend O.J.
Simpson."     - Sue Bova



"Calvin Coolidge didn't say much, and when he did he didn't say
much." --Will Rogers



"I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do
right and be good so that God will not make me one."
--Mark Twain



Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.



"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson
(1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943



Those who can - do. Those who cannot - teach.
- HL Mencken




What do you call a cow who has just given birth?




I see two birds in the same branch. One eats the sweet fruit,
while the other looks on sadly. The first bird wonders: in what
prison does he live? The second marvels: how can he rejoice?
--The Ramayana



About parenting


- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on
the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your
nursing home.

- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at

- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed
in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he
looks like a neighbour, that's environment.

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention,
just sit down and look comfortable.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to
educate his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when
they'll know as little as their parents.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given

- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far
too many.

- You can learn many things from children... like how much
patience you have.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that
teachers are grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the
volume knob also turns to the left.

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to
chop wood to keep the television set going.

- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.




"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
....George W. Bush



"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
....George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93


"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ....George W. Bush


It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.
George Bush, US President



I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them. George Bush, US President



"Public speaking is very easy." ....George W. Bush to reporters



"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
....George W. Bush


"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ....George W. Bush


"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ....George W. Bush 9/22/97


"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
....George W. Bush, 9/5/93



"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ....George W. Bush, 9/18/95


"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
....George W. Bush


"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ....Governor George W. Bush


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
....George W. Bush



"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ....George W. Bush



 All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it. George Bush, US President







I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



 "It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are
still rolling."                   -- Mark Twain




"I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at
women's prisons, and wait for parolees."
     - Rodney Dangerfield



"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they
lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to
     - Rita Rudner



"Humility is no substitute for a good personality."
- Fran Lebowitz



Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?



So long as any amount shall remain unpaid under this note, the Borrower covenants and promises to that Bank that the borrower will not permit or suffer to exist any of the following conditions: death of the borrower.
American Security Bank loan agreement




We're not afraid of challenges. It's like we always say: if you want to go out in the rain, be prepared to get burned.
Anonymous Brazilian Soccer Player




How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.
Anonymous Manufacturer




Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.
Anonymous Traffic Report




This is no longer a slum neighbourhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time.
Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbour, Chicago, IL




We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
Arab News report




Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
Batman Costume warning label




Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It's what everybody likes. At least its not an awful body count--it's a fun body count. Bonnie Bedelia, actress, regarding the movie Die Harder




Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager



Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager



The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager




It was pretty good. Even the music was nice.
Yogi Berra, after attending an opera




Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken. Yogi Berra, to Johnny Bench




What good is the moon if you can't buy or sell it?
Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader




I think "immoral" is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word "unethical." Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader




The Minutemen are not tall in terms of height.
Dan Bonner, CBS sportscasters, during a UMass basketball game




The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others. Gerry Brown, California governor




Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths. Frank Broyles, college football coach




Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
Doug Collins, basketball commentator




I wanted all my ducks in a row so if we did get into a posture we could pretty much slam-dunk this thing and put it to bed.
Lee Cooke, mayor of Austin, TX, abusing clichés




To forcibly remove a politician from office, one has to meet a much higher standard of dishonesty.
Michael Cooney, Santa Barbara attorney




We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement.
Richard J. Daley, Chicago Mayor




Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst`




Ordinary rape and murder just doesn't make it anymore. It's much better to have ultra-violence, chainsaw massacres, X-rated Draculas, and continents sinking into the sea with the entire population lost, at the very least.
Jon Davidson, advertising executive at New World Pictures, on what makes a good movie




Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina




I find it interesting how we get carried away by the dogma a-la-mode.
Lincoln Diaz-Ballart, US representative from Florida




We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.
Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player




Life is very important to Americans.
Bob Dole, U.S. Senator from Kansas




To move cabin, push button of the wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press the number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by natural order. Button retaining pressed position shows received command
Elevator Instructions, Madrid, Spain




We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper




If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman




It was not my class of people. There was not a producer, a press agent, a director, an actor. Zsa Zsa Gabor, on the jury used in her assault trial




The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
David Garcia, baseball team manager




Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it.
Samuel Goldwyn





Keep a stiff upper chin.
Samuel Goldwyn




This book has too much plot and not enough story.
Samuel Goldwyn




You've got to take the sour with the bitter.
Samuel Goldwyn




We're overpaying him but he's worth it..
Samuel Goldwyn




Don't pay any attention to the critics--don't even ignore them.
Samuel Goldwyn




I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.
Samuel Goldwyn




If you don't disagree with me, how will I know I'm right?
Samuel Goldwyn




A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
Samuel Goldwyn




Why only twelve?
Samuel Goldwyn, while filming The Last Supper, (attributed)




Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.
Gravestone Inscription




Please deposit your valuables in the management.
Guangdong Victory Hotel instruction Card, Guangdong, China




Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.
Pedro Guerrero, baseball player, on reporters




Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
Hong Kong dental advertisement




We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
Lee Iacocca




Secretaries for openings in college administrative areas. Good typing, word processing helpful. Able to interfere with faculty, staff, and students.
Irondequoit, NY want-ad




Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity. IRS form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation




You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what you are doing. IRS Training Manual for tax auditors




Please provide the date of your death. from an
IRS letter




If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it. Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company




Cheered by their words with an altogether more positive attitude to boxing...I found myself recalling the words of Marlin Brando in On the Waterfront, "I could have been a bartender." Look Japan magazine article




Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries.
Japan Times article




All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium. Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster




Most of my clichés aren't original.
Chuck Knox, NFL football coach




He was probably our greatest living painter -- until he died.
LBC British Television News




I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session. Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House




And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in wheelchairs on Disability Day




This is unparalyzed in the state's history.
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House




Mattie's Restaurant and Yoghurt Palace, "An alternative to Good Eating"
Restaurant Business Card from Decatur, Texas




The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?
Jim McMahon, NFL football quarterback, on Europe




People say I'm extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?
Imelda Marcos , one-time Philippine first lady, and owner of 3,000 pairs of shoes




If ever there was a case of clearer evidence than this of persons acting in concert together, this case is that case!
Sir R. Megarry




Can't act. Can't sing. Balding. Can dance a little.
MGM summary of a screen test by some guy named Fred Astaire




No one wants to say the sky is falling, but in this instance I am afraid the emperor has no clothes. Despite Herculean efforts by the Council and Council staff, we are still only dealing with the tip of the iceberg.
Charles Millard, NYC councilman, in a press release




All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.
David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation




You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. sign in a
Moscow Hotel





I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.
Richard Nixon, US President




I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version. Colonel
Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony




Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar. sign in a
Norwegian cocktail lounge




We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble with the basics.
Bob Ojeda, baseball pitcher




It is beyond my apprehension.
Danny Ozark, baseball team manager, regarding his team's losing streak




We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.
Parish Magazine




I didn't know Onward Christian Soldiers was a Christian song.
Aggie Pate, at a non-denominational mayor's breakfast, Fort Worth, Texas




This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important. H. Ross Perot




These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up. Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player




Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl. Bill Peterson, football coach





The Lybian army is capable of destroying America and breaking its nose.
Muammar Qaddafi




Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.
Dan Quayle, US VP, head of the Space Council




Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
Dan Quayle, US VP




And now the sequence of events in no particular order.
Dan Rather, television news anchor




Seafood brought in by customers will not be entertained.
Restaurant sign in Langkawi, Malaysia




At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill.
Sir Boyle Roche




P.S. If you do not receive this, of course it must have been miscarried; therefore I beg you to write and let me know.
Sir Boyle Roche




Order you summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Sign in a tailor's shop




I have nothing to say, and I'll only say it once.
Floyd Smith, NHL Hockey coach




Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.
Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant




It's got lots of installation.
Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, describing his new coat




There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. article in
Soviet Weekly




You don't tell us how to stage the news, and we don't tell you how to report it.
Larry Speakes, press secretary for President George Bush, addressing the media





Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
Reverand William Spooner, of Oxford, England (for whom the 'Spoonerism' is named)




We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally. Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister




The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst




Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.
Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel




Q: What should I do if I find a rock in a bag of potatoes? A: Simply return the rock to your grocer, who will give you the rock's weight in potatoes. from a
USDA booklet, titled How to Buy Potatoes




I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents.
George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign




We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor




Well, that was a cliff-dweller.
Wes Westrum, baseball coach, about a close game




I'm the consul for information, but I don't have any information.
Ofra Ben Yaacoe, Israeli Consul, Chicago




"The more you recognize and express gratitude for the things you have, the more things you will have to express gratitude for." -- Zig Ziglar




"Just remember - it's lonely at the top ... when there's no
one on the bottom!"
     - Rodney Dangerfield




"They've managed to keep their unemployment low although their overall unemployment is high." President Bill Clinton, discussing taxes and employment



"I would like to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest



"And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in wheelchairs on Disability Day



"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
Hillary Clinton



"To some people, smoking is addictive; to others, they can take it or leave it. Most people don't smoke at all. I hope children never start."
Bob Dole




"I tell you, that Michael Jackson is unbelievable! Isn't he? He's just unbelievable. Three plays in twenty seconds." Al Gore commenting on Michael Jordan



"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, Fmr. New York City Mayor



"And now the sequence of events in no particular order. " Dan Rather, TV news anchor



"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation." Dan Quayle



"You read what Disraeli had to say. I don't remember what he said. He said something. He's no longer with us." Bob Dole




"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" Lee Iacocca



"Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?" Reverend William Spooner, of Oxford, England


"We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." Dan Quayl



"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." Dan Quayle


"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." Dan Quayle




"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." Dan Quayle



"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. "
Dan Quayle



"Just try to imagine what it would be like to be 300 million years old."
Pres. Clinton in Ashe County, N.C. He was speaking on the banks of the New River, which supposedly is the oldest river in the US.



"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
Dan Quayle



"The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the - to the back!"
Dan Quayle




"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." Dan Quayle



"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." Dan Quayle



"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House



"Ours is a great state, and we don't like limits of any kind. Ricky Clunn is one of the great bass fishermen. He's a Texas young guy, and he's a very competitive fisherman, and he talked about learning to fish wading in the creeks behind his dad. He in his underwear went wading in the creeks behind his father, and he said--as a fisherman he said it's great to grow up in a country with no limits..."  President George Bush



"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." Jason Kidd




"You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy!"  Bill Clinton refers to "Juanita" a recently discovered Inca mummy




"One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you." - George Carlin




Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.




"Last week, President Bush was in Florida at the Everglades,
and said the destruction of the environment is not
inevitable. He said it requires the cooperation of the oil
companies, the coal companies, and nuclear power all working
     - Jay Leno




"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead."
- Woody Allen




"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" - Anon




The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70.
-- Actress Helen Hayes, at age 73




I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-- Writer and stand-up comic Janette Barber




Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
-- Writer and breast cancer survivor Jan King




A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling, "Hey, come back here with my breast!"
-- Journalist Linda Ellerbee




Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-- Comedienne-actress Lily Tomlin





You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
-- Actress, comedienne and motivational speaker Geri Jewell




A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-- Comic actress Carrie Snow




Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-- Comic Laurie Kuslansky




My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-- Humour columnist Erma Bombeck




Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-- Actress Bette Davis




A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-- Actress Rhonda Handsome




The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-- Writer Jane Sellman




Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-- Jennifer Unlimited




Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-- Writer and politician Charlotte Whitton




Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-- Illustrator, copywriter and cartoonist Caryn Leschen




I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days at attack me at once.
-- Jennifer Unlimited




If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-- Mystery writer Catherine Aird




When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-- Hearing-impaired comedienne, actress, motivational speaker and humanitarian Kathy Buckley




I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.
-- Singer-actress Dolly Parton





You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-- Novelist Erica Jong




If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-- Mystery novelist Sue Grafton




I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-- Actress-comedienne Roseanne




I think, therefore I'm single.
-- Comedienne Lizz Winstead




When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-- Actress-comedienne Elayne Boosler




Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-- Maryon Pearson, wife of Canadian Prime Minister Lester Pearson




In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man -- if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-- British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher




I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-- Feminist and magazine publisher Gloria Steinem




I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
-- Author Marie Corelli




If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
-- Journalist Linda Ellerbee




I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-- Many-times-married actress Zsa Zsa Gabor




Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-- First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt




"Things could be worse. I could be one of my creditors."
     - Henny Youngman





"Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took
two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today,
a five- year-old can do it."
     - Henny Youngman



Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships. "  . . Sharon Stone



"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane:  Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who
do. "  . . . Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)


"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's
reading. "  . . . Steve Jobs (Co-Founder: Apple Computers)


"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker. " . . . Dan Rather (News


"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said, 'Thyroid problem? '" . . Arnold Schwarzenegger



Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that,
you're in. . . . Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends") 


"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty.  Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are
apparently doing quite well for themselves. "
. . Jerry Garcia (previously of The Grateful Dead)



"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. "
. . . Rev. Jesse Jackson


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. "
. . . Jack Nicholson 


Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the only time of the month that I can be myself.
. . . Roseanne



Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
. . . Billy Crystal


According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are  just grateful.  . . . Robert DeNiro 


When the sun comes up, I have morals again
. . . Elizabeth Taylor


There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
"I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked. "
. . . Jerry Seinfield


Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house.
. . . Rod Stewart 


 If you have a lot of  tension and you get a headache,
  do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and
 keep away from children. Andy Rooney



 It's a very strange name they picked for "Social
 Security."  For what they actually send you, you
can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel
 "secure." Andy Rooney



 Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
 Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead
of one? Andy Rooney


 It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised
    its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Andy Rooney


 We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
  Then things get worse. Andy Rooney



 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50
 chance of getting something right, there's a 90%
 probability you'll get it wrong. Andy Rooney



 It is said that if you line up all the cars in the
world end to end, someone would be  stupid
enough to try and pass them. Andy Rooney



 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Andy Rooney




 The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Andy Rooney



Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish,  and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Andy Rooney



When you're swimming in the creek and an  eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! Andy Rooney



A fine is a  tax for doing wrong.   A tax is a fine for doing well. Andy Rooney



What's the difference between genius and stupidity?
Genius has its limits



"All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them
     - Red Skelton



"We learn so many things from golf - how to suffer, for instance."
-- Bruce Lansky






Real Insurance Claims

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with
a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
its intentions.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-
in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and









"In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all
need of checking, is the mistake." - Finagle's Third Law



"A flute with no holes is a stick but a donut with no hole is a danish."
- Ty Webb



"The shortest distance between two points is usually under
construction."       - Wayne H.



Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!



"The U.S. is our trading partner, our neighbour, our ally and our
friend... and sometimes we'd like to give them such a smack!"
- Rick Mercer  



   "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and
we don't know where the hell she is."
     - Ellen DeGeneres



"To me, it's always a good idea to carry around two sacks ofsomething when you can walk around. That way if anyone asks
you for a hand, you can say 'Sorry, I've got these sacks.'"
     - Jack Handey



"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
     - Steven Wright



"Bigamy is having one wife ( husband ) too many. Monogamy is the same."   - Oscar Wilde




"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."
     - George Carlin




"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -- Mitch




"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."
- Alan Coren




"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy." - Anon.




"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
- Franklin Jones




"I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries ... but
they weren't included ... so I had to buy them again."
     - Steven Wright







    If you throw a cat out of the car window,
     does it become kitty litter?
   If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
   Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
   What do chickens think we taste like?
   What do people in China call their good plates?
   What do you call a male ladybug?
   What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
   Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
   Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
   Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
   Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
   Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
   Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
   Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
   How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
   If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, whydoes it have locks on the door?
   You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
   Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
   If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
   If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
   If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn yourheadlights on, what happens?
   Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
   Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
   What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
   Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
   If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
   If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
   If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader what would her married name be?








  "If you want to cut down on the number of relatives who are hanging around, borrow money from the rich ones and lend money to the ones who are poor. You will never see any of them again."   - Anon.



*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail

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