Quotes -  Misquotes - & One Liners

Page  3

Half of the people in the world are below average.

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"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
-- Hank Aaron



Did you know that the rearranged letters of Spiro Agnew's name spell... "Grow a penis"? Coincidence? You decide.



Did you know that the number of letters in Ronald Wilson Reagan's name are 6-6-6? Coincidence? You decide.



I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.


The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but  government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.


Half of the people in the world are below average.
Most of them don't know it because they can't do fractions .


There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?


 I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.


If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.


Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistakewhen you make it again.


On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"


Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman


Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -
- Mark Twain


Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?


The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
 -- William Clayton


Can miles truly separate us from friends? if we really want to be with the ones we love, aren't we already there?"



"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor


"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe"
-- Jackie Mason


"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."
- Yogi Berra


When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man
took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
   - Rodney Dangerfield


Sometimes just for fun I jump up in the air and let the
earth rotate beneath me. Then I chuckle to myself when I
lose my direction and have to find my way back home.


 If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

 Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
    going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
   never tried before.

 My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

 Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life
   is serious.

 It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

 For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

 Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.


"There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can
cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will."
 - Anonymous


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book -- I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas



"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I
gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take
more than one night.' "
   - Charlie Brown


"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of
nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb." 
    - Freddie Starr.


Weird is weird.
It doesn't follow the "i before e except after c" rule.


I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close
to someone who will leave them alone.
   - Elayne Boosler

"I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up."
- George Costanza


Stupidity got us into this mess... So why can't it get us out?
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
 Indecision! It's the key to flexibility.
Think about it! In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
 Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever... So far, so good.
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
Everyone has a photographic memory... Some don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set!
 On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
- George Burns 

"When I was young," the woman said, "I used to worry about where my taxes were going. Now, I worry about where they're coming from."


"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have
had years and years of training can, using only their hands
and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of
the world."
   - Dave Barry


"Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people
think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as
too big."   - George Carlin

"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all
 over it."   - Steven Wright


"Everything happens to everybody sooner or later, if there is time enough"
- George Bernard Shaw


"There is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage
of others."
--Niccolo Machiavelli

"War is a game that is played with a smile. If you can't smile,
grin. If you can't grin, keep out of the way until you can."

--Winston Churchill


"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
- Steve Martin


When I fly I always fly first class. Not the whole way but
just 'til they kick me out." --Pauly Shore


"Life does not cease to be funny when people die, any more
than it ceases to be serious when they laugh." -- George
Bernard Shaw.



"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
- Tom Clancy


"My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money." --Wendy Liebman


A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.


No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

 A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen –just vending machines.



"The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that
there's only one other choice." - Doug Larson



"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut."
   - Ernest Hemingway



"If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a
cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order
to impress our girl friends." 
   - Orson Welles


"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman knows."
   - Monica Piper


"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your
house."   - George Carlin

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing."   - Redd Foxx


Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspic-

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about
life. IT GOES ON.

Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
the statue.

There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what
you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of
mankind achieve the second.

There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it
cannot be harvested.

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there
the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing
him again.

If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your
day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky
and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound
they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't
got the guts to bite people themselves.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

My Reality Check bounced


'Never slap a man's face while he is chewing tobacco.'
- Will Rogers


"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
   - Johnny Carson


"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
   - Erma Bombeck



quotes from actual medical records as dictated by physicians

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

*She is numb from her toes down.

*The skin was moist and dry.

*Patient was alert and unresponsive.

*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.



"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve
the quality of life, please press 3." --Alice Kahn



"The shortest distance between two points is usually under
construction." --Wayne H.




"I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it.
I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But
I've seen the boss's job, and I don't want it." -Bill Cosby


"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either."    - Dick Cavett


"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier
to write with."   - Marty Feldman.



Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier
to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from
where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is
that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to
serve as warning to others.

Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems.
It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd
be paranoid too.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.


It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!


*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail


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