Quotes -  Misquotes - & One Liners

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If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?"
--
Laurence J. Peter

  

 

"One time we were driving through a construction zone and the
sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us in
the car. We were through there in no time."
-Geechy Guy

  



"A recent economic study revealed that the best time to buy
anything is last year." --Marty Allen

 

 

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---"
  --John Sedgwick - Last words during a Civil War battle.

  

 

"A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who
need the advice."    - Bill Cosby

 



"I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave
tomorrow."
    - Margaret Smith

 

 

 

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
   
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
   
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
   
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
   
Despite the cost of living...  have you noticed how it remains so popular?
   
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
   
 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

  

 


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. --Dennis Miller

 

  

"Last night I went out with some people for Mexican food,
which is unusual...because I hate people." --Amy Foster

 

 

"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do
about it?" --Emo Philips

 

 



"My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I
hope it's not hereditary." --
Steven Wright

 

  

"In Hollywood, if you don?t have happiness, you send out for
it."    
- Rex Reed

 

  

RULES FOR BETTER WRITING.......NOT!

1.  Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2.  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3.  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4.  It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5.  Avoid clich?s like the plague. (They're old hat)

6.  Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7.  Be more or less specific.

8.  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
    unnecessary.
9.  Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than
    necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
    words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put
    forth earth shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
    when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said,
    "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand
    times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million
    can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

 No surprise that English is difficult to learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
 

  

"Animals may be our best friends, but they won't pick you up
at the airport." --Bobcat Goldthwait

 

 "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
 --[Former] Vice President
Dan Quayle

 

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.   Dan Quayle


 
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.   Dan Quayle


 
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.   Dan Quayle

 
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.   Dan Quayle


 
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.   Dan Quayle


 
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.   Dan Quayle


 
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.   Dan Quayle

 
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.   Dan Quayle

 
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.   Dan Quayle


 
May our nation continue to be the beacon of hope to the world.   Dan Quayle   1989 Christmas card.


 
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.   Dan Quayle


 
We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.   Dan Quayle


 
I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future.   Dan Quayle

 
 
The future will be better tomorrow.   Dan Quayle


 
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.   Dan Quayle."

 
 
People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.   Dan Quayle


 
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.   Dan Quayle


 
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.   Dan Quayle


 
Public speaking is very easy.   Dan Quayle


 
I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.   Dan Quayle

 
 
I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.   Dan Quayle
.

 
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.   Dan Quayle


 
When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.   Dan Quayle
 


 
Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.   Dan Quayle
 


 
Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year.   Dan Quayle
 


 
We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.   Dan Quayle
 


 
For NASA, space is still a high priority.   Dan Quayle
 


 
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.   Dan Quayle
 


 
The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.   Dan Quayle
 


 
We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on he mistakes we may or may not have made.   Dan Quayle

 
 
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's impurities in our air and water that are doing it.   Dan Quayle

 

"If I say bite me, does that mean you're a cannibal?"   - Unknown

  



"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and
your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes
it feel needed."   
- Charles M. Schulz

 

 

"When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, 'Give
me a table near a waiter.'" --
Henny Youngman

 

 

 

"My doctor has a great stress test. It's called 'the bill.'"
    - Joey Adams

 

 



"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently,
three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."   -
David Letterman

 

 



"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is
both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is
interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet
paper."    -
Rod Serling

 

 

  

 

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and

it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they

mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."  

Helen Gamble

 

  

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
- Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

 

"If you've enjoyed watching this program just half as much
as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as
much as you." --Michael Palin, Monty Python's Flying Circus

 

 

"Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking,
overpriced items, long lines and call them "convenience
stores."  - Yakov Smirnoff

 



"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying,
but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?? - Lily Tomlin

 



"I'm not going to vacuum 'till Sears makes one you can ride
on."   -
Roseanne Barr

 

  

 

"According to a new study, college tuition for a baby born
today will cost $36,000 a year.  That's crazy, isn't it?
Why would anyone send a baby to college?" --Jay Leno

 



"You know you're old when they've discontinued your blood
type." --
Phyllis Diller

 

 

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

 - Steven Wright.

 



"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now
and then she stops to breathe."  - Jimmy Durante.

 

 



"When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his
first name was Always."  
- Rita Rudner.

  

 

 

"If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled."
 --
P.G. Wodehouse

 

 


"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a
talk show host."     - David Letterman.

 



"In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was
propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling
you: Turn back at once to Channel One." - Yakov Smirnoff.

 

 


"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors
got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour,
we can't call it Jumping up and down
."    - Rita Rudner.

 

  

 

"Never trust a dog to watch your food. " Patrick, age
10
 
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look
stupid? ' don't answer. "
Hannah, 9
 
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working. "
Michael, 14
 
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her
brush your hair". Taylia, 10
 
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a
Tic-Tac. " Andrew, 9
 
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same
time. " Kyoyo, 9
 
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk. " Armir, 9
 
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. "
Kellie, 11
 
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a
horse. " Naomi, 15
 
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. "
Lauren, 9
 
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a
baseball bat. Joel, 10
 
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your
mom when she's on
the phone. " Alyesha, 13
 
"Never try to baptize a cat.
" Eileen, 8

 


Kids Proverbs

 

 

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You
Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.

 

 

 

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
- Phyllis Diller

 

  

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it
by leaving early
."     - Charles Lamb

 

 

"The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows, your
watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the
privilege."     - letter in the Times newspaper.

 

 

"Any organisation is like a septic tank. The really big
chunks rise to the top."     -
John Imhoff.

 

  

 

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...

Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.

Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.

What happens if you touch these two wires tog--

We won't need reservations.

It's always sunny there this time of the year.

Don't worry, it's not loaded.

They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.

You can make it easy... that train isn't coming fast.

Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty.

Wife, these biscuits are tough.

Let's see if it's loaded.

Step on her, boy, we're only going 75.

Just watch me dive from that bridge.

If you knew anything, you wouldn't be a traffic cop.

Lemme have that bottle; I'll try it.

What? Your mother is going to stay another month?

Say, who's boss of this joint, anyhow?

"C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there,
what're we gonna hit?" --Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez

"Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father." --Darth Vader

"A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." --Lawrence Welk

"Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." --NASA techie


I CAN FLY!

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Yes, the barrel of your shotgun is very clean.

What's in this dark cave ?

Oh, they're free? I'll take ten!" - Moses

No, I'm sure they cleaned out this mine field years ago.

Safety harness?

Wait, I thought he was with you!

What greencard?

Hey, what's this switch?

Don't move, you'll trip the sensors.

Yes, I'm single.

No, this cannot be, I am invincible!

So, you're sure this isn't loaded?

Calm down, of course I disarmed it!

What, I never signed any organ donor papers!

Well, it can't get any worse!

C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was,
they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone
could push it!

Don't worry, they'll never find us in here!

William, is that you?

There's only one way to find out...

Hey, when it comes to driving on snow and ice, I'm the best
there is.

These pills are awfully small.. I'll take a few more to be
sure they work.

 

  

 

   What is the speed of dark?
   
   


   When you're sending someone Styrofoam,
    what do you pack it in?
   
 


   
   If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and
   a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

   


   How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
   
 


   
   What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
   

   


   After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour
    before getting out of the water?
   
 

 


   
   If white wine goes with fish,
    do white grapes go with sushi?
   
   

 


   What's another word for synonym?

 

 


"Did you know that there are over 50,000 earthquakes every
year? There's a whole lot of shaking going on." --Unknown

 



"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what
separates us from the animals... except the weasel."
  --Homer Simpson

 

 

  "At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'"
- Anon

 

  

 

T Shirt Wisdom

 

Men are like government bonds...
they take so long to mature.

 
   "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I
    Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

   
   "My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
   

   "I Yell Because I Care"
   

   
   "Procrastinate Now"
   

   "Rehab Is for Quitters"
   
  
   
   "Re-Elect Nobody"
   
   
   (Across a drawing of a skeleton)
    "Waiting for the Perfect Man"

   
   "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse...
    He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
   

   
   "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
   

   
   "Never Underestimate the Power of
    Stupid People in Large Groups"
   

   (On a baby-size shirt)
   
    "Party - My Crib - Two A.M."
   

   
   "I Don't Suffer from Insanity....
    I'm a Carrier"
   

   
   "The More I Learn About Women,
    The More I Love My Harley"
   

   
   "I'm Not 50...
    I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling "
   

   "You Who Think You Know It All Are
    Damn Annoying to Those of Us Who Do"

   
   "I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About"
   

   "The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe
    Are Hydrogen and Stupidity"

 

 

"One of the greatest weaknesses in most of us is our lack of faith in
ourselves."- L. Tom Perry

 

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of
the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
'Wish you were here.'" --Steven Wright

 

 

A sign outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 

 

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful."
- Anon.

 

"My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she's way off base."

 

 


"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to
someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler

 

 



"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery." -Rita Rudner

 



"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of
your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone
is for you." -Fran Lebowitz

 

 

"One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him."  Jeffrey Bernard.

 



"I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won." Muhammad Ali.

 


"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table
and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."  - Paul Newman.

 

 

"In an underdeveloped country don't drink the water. In a
developed country don't breathe the air." - Jonathan Raban.

 



"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business." Dave Barry.

 



"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically."
   - Steven Wright.

 

 

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 



Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of obtaining sex.

 


Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .

 



Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

 



Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
 the recipient who doesn't get it.

 



Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.


 


Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 



Osteopornosis
: A degenerate disease.

 



Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

 



Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

 



Glibido: All talk and no action.

 



Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

 


Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS/CCRA
which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife
you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."  - Socrates

 

 


"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report
the facts."   
- Will Rogers

 

 

"My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know
how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?'
I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, then forget it.'"
--Steven Wright

 

 

"Computers let you make more mistakes faster than any other
invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of
handguns and tequila
." -Unknown

 

 

"For safety's sake, I try not to go to the ATM at night. I
also try not to go with my four-year-old, who screams, 'We
got money! We got money!'" -Paul Clay

 

 

 

"I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, 'In the lake.'"
- Henny Youngman

 

 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
 - Dan Quayle

 

 

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- George Burns

 

 

"She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately,
the power of speech."    - George Barnard Shaw

 

 

 

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no in-
fluence on society."    - Mark Twain.

 

 

  If everything seems to be going well,
    you have obviously overlooked something.
   
 Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
   
 I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
   
 When I'm not in my right mind,
   my left mind gets pretty crowded.
   
 I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
   
 Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
   
 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
   
 Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
   
 I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
   
 Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
   
 How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
   
 Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
   
 Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
   
 OK, so what's the speed of dark?
   
 Get headlines: Use corduroy pillows!
   
 All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

 

 

"I don`t get no respect. I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They
gave me two to one I don`t make it."    -
Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

"Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow
up identifying with Barbie."    
- Rita Rudner

 

 

"To keep a marriage brimming, with love in your loving cup.
Whenever your wrong, admit it; Whenever your right, shut
up."    -
Ogden Nash

 

 

"I bought an audio cleaning tape. I'm a big fan of theirs."
    -
Kevin Gildea

 

 

 

"A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have
any pins left over."  - Dino Levi.

 

 

 

"An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the o
lder she gets, the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie.

 

 

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and
let the other one off." -
Tommy Cooper

 

 

"Any new venture goes through the following stages:
enthusiasm, complication, disillusionment, search for the
guilty, punishment of the innocent and decoration of those
who did nothing."
- Unknown

 

 

"Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful
ancestors." -
David Brenner

 

 

"I put a slice of Bologna in each shoe; that way I FEEL funny." --Steve Martin

 

 

"Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my
wages.  Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley
in my paycheck will make it any more attractive."  -
David Henry

 

 

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head
examined."    -
Samuel Goldwyn

 

 

 

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to
have a disease named after me."    -
Steve Martin.

 

 

 

"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't
find tractors small enough to fit it." --
Steven Wright

 

 

 

"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're
two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and
another number."
--Unknown

 

 

 

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your
garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent
of the people in this world.
Anon

 

 

"President Clinton said he is flew commercial flights four
times last week to show America it's safe. Sounds like
someone's got a crush on a flight attendant..."-
Jay Leno

 

 

 

Always be frank with your boss. That way, when you mess up,
Frank will get the blame.   - Doug Forbush



"Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list
of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to
work."    -
Robert Orben.

 

 

 

 

 

"America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole."
-
Bobcat Goldthwaite

 


 


"More problems from that tropical storm Isidor, seems several
tornadoes have spun out of it, touched down in Florida, and
just made a mess of the place.  People say it looked like an
election just happened down there."-
Jay Leno

 

 

 

    Mrs. Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong.. when he's out of town.

 

 

 

Two rules for life:
  1. Don't tell people everything you know.
  2.

 

 

 

"My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got TWO girlfriends."
- Anon.

 

 

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
You answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

 

 

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." - Milton Berle

 

 

 

Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute

     Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.


     If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.


     If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


     If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6


     If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on the line while we trace your call.


     If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
     transferred to the mother ship.


     If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.


     If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.


     If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

 

 


   
   My first job was working in a juice factory,
    but I got canned . . . couldn't concentrate.
   
   Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack...
    I couldn't hack it; they gave me the axe.
   
   After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't
    suited for it. Mostly 'cause it was a so-so job.
   
   Next I tried working in a muffler factory but you know,
    that was exhausting.
   
   Wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it...
   
   Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a
    little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
   
   Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
    but the work was shocking.
   
   And I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I
    really didn't have any patients.
   
   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered
    that I couldn't live on my net income.
   
   I managed to get a good job working for a pool
    maintenance company, but the work was just too
    draining.
   
   I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was
    fired from there, because I wasn't up to it.
   
   Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any
    way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
   
   After many years of trying to find steady work
    Ifinally got a job as an historian... until I
    realized there was just no future in it.
   
   My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to
    quit because it was always the same old grind

 

  

 

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several
days attack me at once. --Jennifer Unlimited


 
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have
to serve as a horrible warning. --Catherine Aird
 


The hardest years in life are those between ten and
seventy. --Helen Hayes (at 73)
 


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.  Janette Barber

 


 
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every
time I hear it, I think - I'm supposed to put my
breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
-Jan King
 

 


Things are going to get a lot worse before they get
worse. --Lily Tomlin
 

 


A male gynaecologist is like an auto mechanic who never 
owned a car. --Carrie Snow
 

 


Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry
with your girlfriends. --Laurie Kuslansky
 

 


My second favourite household chore is ironing. My
first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until
I faint. --Erma Bombeck
 

 


Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis

 


 
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman
must do what he can't. --Rhonda Hansome


 
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. --Jane Sellman


 
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in
through the windows. --Jennifer Unlimited


 
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well
as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is
not difficult. --Charlotte Whitton
 

 


Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together  
and your body starts falling apart. --Caryn Leschen

 


 
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded
kids for two years before they realized I actually had  
a hearing loss. . . and they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley

 


 
Behind every successful woman. . . is a substantial
amount of coffee. --Stephanie Piro

 


 
Behind every successful woman. . . . . . is a basket
of dirty laundry. --
Sally Forth

 

 

 

"Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many
brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?"
   - Rita Rudner

 



"When people speak to you about a preventative war, you
tell them to go fight for it."
   - Dwight D. Eisenhower

 



"Bad day in the news. Michael Jackson and George Hamilton
have officially crossed lines in the pigmentation flow
chart."
   - Dennis Miller

 

 

"There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects,
rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world." -

Jean Baubrillard

 

 

Don't stay at the Marriott! The towels are so thick and fluffy that you can hardly
close your suitcase.

 

 


When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

  

  

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you
forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to
pull it down."   
- George Burns

 

 

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains
of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real
pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves
caught in a zipper."
   - Emo Philips


 

 


A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.


 

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house when I bought it.

There are only three kinds of food - Frozen, Canned, & Take-out!

  

 


"College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your
pencil."
    - Ruby Wax

  

 

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our
relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are
Wrong.'" -
Unknown

 



"I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if
all of those girls were telling me the truth." -Ronnie Shakes

 

  

"OLD" IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


 I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

 When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

 I finally got my head together, now my body is falling
apart.
 

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

 If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

 The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.


 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

 All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

 If all is not lost, where is it?


 I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were
out of stock.

 I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.

 It was so different before everything changed.


I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.

 Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the
back seat cause kids.


 Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the
hydrant.

 Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.

 A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

 It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the
sudden stop at the end.

 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.

 

 


*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail
               

 

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