Quotes - Misquotes - & One Liners
I am not lost.
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people
who have them."
- P.J. O'Rourke
"Whenever I hear about a 'peacekeeping force," I wonder:
If they're so interested in peace, why do they use force?"
- George Carlin
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore -- unequalled in size, unmatched in variety,
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
"They say all sheep are
alike - actually they have mutton
in common." - Art Moger
"Know thyself? If I knew myself. I'd run away." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over,
there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
- Rodney Dangerfield
Did you hear
about the guy that lost his left arm and leg
in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
What do prisoners use to call each other?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
What do you call Santa's helpers?
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell
out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What do you get if you cross Casper with Bambi ?
The young man told his father, "I
want to marry a good woman,
a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a
woman who will make me happy."
His father told him he'd better make up his mind.
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." -Socrates
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in
the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it to
have the inclination if you don't have the time?
This is like deja vu all over again.
Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
I didn't really say everything I said.
It ain't over till it's over.
The future ain't what it used to be.
"It ain't over till it's over." Yogi Berra
"This is like deja vu all over again." Yogi Berra
Phil Rizzuto - "Hey Yogi I think we're lost." - Yogi Berra - "Ya, but we're making great time!" Yogi Berra
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six." Yogi Berra
" I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head." Yogi Berra
"You can observe a lot just by watchin'." Yogi Berra
"In baseball, you don't know nothin'." Yogi Berra
"How can you think and hit at the same time?" Yogi Berra
Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: - "He must have made that before he died" Yogi Berra
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him." Yogi Berra
"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical" Yogi Berra
Mrs. Lindsay - "You certainly look cool." - Yogi Berra - "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." Yogi Berra
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded." Yogi Berra
"I want to thank all those who made this night necessary." Yogi Berra
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early." Yogi Berra
Interviewer - "Why, you're a fatalist !" - Yogi Berra - "You mean I save postage stamps ? Not me." Yogi Berra
"You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there." Yogi Berra
"Slump ? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hittin. Yogi Berra " Yogi Berra
"It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it." Yogi Berra
"It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much." Yogi Berra
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!" Yogi Berra
If youíre old and you lose, they say youíre outmoded. If youíre young and you lose, they say youíre green. So donít lose. Terry Brennan
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does
this taste funny to you?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra....
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
says "Pint please, and one for the road."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've
lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first
replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's
either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my
younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't
the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely
proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work...
If you are really good, you will get out of it.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop
errors in the mail.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning
of a cocktail hour.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held
responsible for everything that goes wrong.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve
it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How
would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You are always doing something marginal when the
boss drops by your desk.
When all men think alike, no-one thinks very much" - Walter Lippman
"I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman." - Erma Bombeck
one of the beautiful compensations of life that no man can
sincerely try to help another without helping myself." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Honestly must be the best policy, but it's important
to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty
is the second best policy." - George Carlin
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to
suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."- Shirley MacLaine
"Never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word."
- Dan Quayle, quoting Mark Twain
"Whose cruel idea was it
for the word 'Lisp' to have a 'S' in it?"
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said
to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm
thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would
I want someone like you?' - Larry Miller
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How come you press harder on a remote-control
when you know the battery is dead?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes?
Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money
they already know you don't have?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask
them what time it is?
Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're
waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button --
as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when
you pressed it the first time?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Why is there only *one* Monopoly commission?
You know how most packages say "Open here"... so
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
"Some years just need to
come with a 'do-over' clause in the contract."
- Aaron McGruder
"I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her." - Anon.
"I can't believe I ate that
whole pineapple!" Tom said,
"That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said,
"I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom
said, beside himself.
"That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!"
Tom said, revolted.
"I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.
"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, with-
"That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said,
"I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.
"I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said,
"I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bash-
"Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom
observed with condescension.
"I remember the Midwest being flatter than this," Tom
"That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom
"I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle,"
om sighed, remotely.
"I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without
"That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.
Most people work just hard enough
not to get fired and
get paid just enough not to quit." - George Carlin
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died." - Steven Wright
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers."- Daniel J. Boorstin
"I want to share something with
you -- the three sentences
that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me."
Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss!" Number three, "It was
like that when I got here." -Homer Simpson, THE SIMPSONS
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is
telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty
and immature." -Kevin Hench
"I guess I'm sensitive about my hair loss. I think everybody's
making fun of it. I went to buy a VCR and the guy said, 'Four
Head?' --I punched him in the mouth." -Dan Wilson
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" - George Carlin
A school boy was writing his memory verse for the day on the
blackboard, "Do one to others as others do one to you."
Minister at a funeral service, "Friends, let us say goodbye
to our beloved, departed friend. Let us remember that here
lies only the shell--the nut has gone!"
"There is much pleasure to
be gained from useless knowledge." - Bertrand
"All tragedies are finished by a death, all
comedies by a marriage."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I
got married and
by then it was too late." --Max Kauffman
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I
didn't want to interrupt
her." --Rodney Dangerfield
"We survived the 1980's. Back then, the
economic program was
called 'trickle down.' That actually meant they were pissing
on you. How the whole theory goes was this: 'We have all the
money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it.'"
- Bill Maher
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you
let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels
sprouts never do."
- P.J. O'Rourke
"McDonald's 'breakfast for under a dollar' actually
costs much more that that. You have to factor in the
cost of coronary bypass surgery." - George Carlin
"Men are gluttons for punishment. They fight
for the chance to fight with them." - Vincent Price
"Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding
ring, and suffering." - Anonymous
"If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything
done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Now that I'm older ..
I STARTED out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, only got half-way through.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
"To err is human; to blame it on somebody else is even more human."
- John Nadeau
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then
it's you." - Rita Mae Brown
"Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter."
- Harry Morgan
alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Very funny, Scotty... Now beam down my clothes.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
what keeps everything from happening at once.
As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer in schools.
Visualize Whirled Peas.
Forget about World Peace.
Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
I may be fat, but you're ugly...And I can lose weight.
No Radio - Already Stolen.
Real women don't have hot flashes; they have power surges.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age, Few men act it!
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car
for a couple of days." -Tim Allen
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always
say the same thing: 'This looks much better when it's on.'
On what? On fire?" -Rita Rudner
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
- Charlie Brown
"Never hunt rabbit with a dead dog." - Charlie Chan
My wife dresses to
kill. She cooks the same way."
- Henny Youngman
Latin Phrases you might need someday
calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax
materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into
I am not lost.
Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just
sort of slips out.
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest." - Rodney Dangerfield
hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something much
bigger and heavier." - Anonymous
a friend who's so into recycling she'll only marry
a man who's been married before." - Rita Rudner
it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because
that means it's going to be up all night." - Steven Wright
you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it,
you might as well laugh about it now."- Marie Osmond
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
It's cheaper." - Unknown
John: "I'm a man of few words." Bill: "Yeah, I'm married, too."
"I went to college and majored in Philosophy. My father said,
'Why don't you minor in Communications so you can wonder out
loud?'" -Mike Dugan
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
"They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I figure
that's why my boyfriend moved." -Christy Murphy
Today, if you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly." - U.Peter
"When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"Is intelligence a liability nowadays? I think we can
answer that with one word: Duh." - Dennis Miller
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a
in the butt.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end
of the month than you did before.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit.
No use being a complete fool about it.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours,
It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are
going to get.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your
car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are
never talking about themselves.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry
So, we have enough youth already; how about a fountain of Smart?
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you
succeed, there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself, well you can always
write a book."
- Ronald Reagan
"You don't pay taxes - they take taxes."- Chris Rock
Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and in-
What am I - flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to
Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn
to worship me.
Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular
level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and
change the subject
"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married."
- H.L. Mencken
My grandmother started walking
five miles a day when she
was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where she is!
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures
out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes,
he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die health-
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a
I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
"The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
"During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit."
"Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience.'"
"Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice."
"Stewardship Offertory: 'Jesus Paid It All'"
"The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth."
"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
"The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy."
"The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening
at the piano, which as usual fell upon her."
"22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.
Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a
duet, The Lord Knows Why."
"A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
"Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full
"On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr.
Hargreaves is better."
Words of Wisdom
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