Quotes - Misquotes - & One Liners
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite
Remember My Name
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honour student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Do not walk
behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do
not walk beside me, either.
Leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's paper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
At The Office. . .
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work... f you are really good, you will get out of it.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office
Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee..............................Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified......Made no major blunders yet
Work is First Priority................Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially.................................Drinks a lot
Family is Active Socially.................Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker.............Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking......................Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker........................Won't make a decision
Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs......Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well.....................Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail..................A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities.........Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgement...........................Lucky
Keen Sense of Humour...............Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded...................................Back Stabber
Loyal..........................Can't get a job anywhere else
Ways to say "No" OR "Oh
I'd Love to but...
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I have to floss my pets...
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
I'm staying home to work on my mottled yoghurt sculptures.
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
It's my parakeet's bowling night.
My patent is pending.
The nice man on television told me to say tuned...
I don't want to
leave my comfort zone.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I have to fulfill my potential.
I left my body in my other clothes.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
I'll be looking for a parking space.
I'm being deported.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
it's too close to the turn of the century.
my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
my plot to take over the world is thickening.
my subconscious says no.
none of my socks match.
the grunion are running.
the last time I went, I never came back.
the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I feel a song coming on.
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
I have to bleach my hare.
I have too much guilt.
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands"
and I'm stuck on it...
I never go out on days that end in "Y."
I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
I'm having all my plants neutered.
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew
in My Refrigerator."
I'm too old for that stuff.
I'm too young for that stuff.
I'm touring China with a wok band.
I'm trying desperately to be less popular.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
My bathroom tiles need grouting.
My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
My yucca plant is feeling yucky
Thought for the Day: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't
answer." -Hannah, age 9
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your
hair." -Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as
your school assignment." -Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."
- Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo,
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -
Amir, age 9
Don't sneeze when you're getting a haircut.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back...
They always catch the second person.
Most school lunches stick to the wall.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
Never hold a dustbuster and a kitty at the same time.
No matter how hard you try, you can NOT baptize cats.
Puppies always have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
You just can't trust dogs to watch your food.
"When all men think alike, no-one thinks very much" - Walter Lippman
ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a
swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave.
See, every woman hates herself from behind."
- Cindy Crawford
ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE: "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed.
But I learned I am not my cleavage." - Carole Mallory
ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic
surgery." - Beverly Johnson
ON FATE: "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I
have to face that." - Christie Brinkley
ON ARRIVING: "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to
save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
- Kathy Ireland (star of Alien From L.A. and Danger Island)
ON CAREER CHOICES: "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true
calling to be a librarian." - Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather exercise than read a news-
paper." - Kim Alexis
ON GEOPOLITICS: "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each
other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on
nuclear disarmament." - Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH: "I love the confidence that makeup gives
me." - Tyra Banks
ON DEATH: "Richard (Gere) doesn't really like me to kill
bugs, but sometimes I can't help it." - Cindy Crawford
ON TRAVEL: "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the
Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." - Tyra Banks
get cramps after eating?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How come you press harder on a remote-control
when you know the battery is dead?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes?
Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money
they already know you don't have?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask
them what time it is?
Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're
waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button --
as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when
you pressed it the first time?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Why is there only *one* Monopoly commission?
You know how most packages say "Open here"... so
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
"When I played in the sandbox,
the cat kept covering me up."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"Is intelligence a liability nowadays? I think we can
answer that with one word: Duh." Dennis Miller
"A soldier hid inside a cannon to avoid guard duty, but
he was finally discharged." - Art Moger
Never take life too seriously . . . Nobody gets out alive anyway.
"Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them." - Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy
reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear
heavy breathing again." - Erma Bombeck
trouble with the rat race is that even if you win,
you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin
Most of us
spend the first six days of the week sowing
wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a
crop failure. - Fred Allen
Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it
consists principally of dealing with men. - Joseph Conrad
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set. - Rev. Denny Brake
I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes, because I know
I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and
waste a lifetime!" - Bill Owen
Murphy's Technology Law #1: You can
never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Murphy's Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method
of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Murphy's Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those
who manage what they do not understand.
Murphy's Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the
way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker
that came along would destroy civilization.
Murphy's Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more
and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely
everything about nothing.
Murphy's Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion
stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a
bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be
Murphy's Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made
Murphy's Technology Law #8: Nothing ever gets built on
schedule or within budget.
Murphy's Technology Law #9: All's well that ends... period.
Murphy's Technology Law #10: A meeting is an event at
which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
"My wife says I never
listen to her. At least I think that's
what she said." --Anon
"If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to a movie?" --Anon
"The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to
play the violin." --Honore de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage
"Never marry for money.
Ye'll borrow it cheaper." --Scottish
PC Happy Holidays
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practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasions of others who choose to practice their own religion, as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year of 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to race, creed, colour, religious or sexual preference of the wishes.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
him/herself or others, and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
PC Greeting II
with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all ...
... And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of
choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make
America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than
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Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in Listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
A little nonsense now and then - Is relished by the wisest men."
I was thinking about how
people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals
Dear Heavenly Diety,
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I
haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm
grateful for Your grace...
But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed...
and from then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help....
"Ann Landers said that you
are addicted to sex if you have
sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek pro-
fessional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way
I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek profession-
al help." - Jay Leno
"Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like
asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs. - John Osborne
"Never accept a drink from a urologist." - Erma Bombeck
My mom always said men are
like linoleum floors: Lay 'em
right and you can walk all over them for 30 years." - Grace
You're more than just a
collection of annoying, loosely
bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound
psychoses in there, too." - Unknown
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to
make an exception." - Groucho Marx
Never eat more than you can lift." - Miss Piggy
"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol." - Unknown
"Like all parents, my
husband and I just do the best we can,
and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money
to pay for our kids' therapy." - Michelle Pfeiffer
A smart person knows all
the rules so he can break them
wisely." - Lubna Azmi
"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin
ice can get you into hot water." - Franklin P. Jones
"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe
full of slush." - Doug Larson
Blessed are those who hunger and
thirst, for they are stick-
ing to their diet.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and chal-
lenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies.
They would put them down somewhere and forget where they
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can
make a woman gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beau-
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old
because you stop laughing.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rub-
bing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while
and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads
to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is
when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out,
but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of choco-
"Luck has a strange and annoying habit of favoring those who do not depend on it." - Anon
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize
you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back." - Franklin Jones
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately
not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
- Robin Williams
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on
the shore like an idiot." - Steven Wright
You know your children have grown up when they
you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they
are going." - Unknown
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is
like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing." - Phyllis Diller
Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just
screw up once and it's yours." - Dennis Miller
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came
with the wallet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"We've begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet -
so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more
feet." - Rita Rudner
Words of Wisdom
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