Quotes -  Misquotes - & One Liners

Page  7

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon." -- Woody Allen


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If singing the blues is some kind of gift, next time I'd rather have a toaster." -- Bob Snider 

 

"CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn't want to give up power."    -Arthur C. Clarke 

 

"For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong." -- H. L. Mencken 

 

 

 English 101


The passive voice should never be used.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

A writer must not shift your point of view.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

DO NOT overuse exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!

Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

Always pick on the correct idiom.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Don't verb nouns.

Don't never use no double negatives.

Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

When dangling, watch your participles.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

About those sentence fragments. Remember subject, verb, object.

Try to not ever split infinitives.

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Correct speling is esential.

Between you and I, case is important.

Verbs has to agree with their antecedents.

When composing informal documents, employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbrevs, etc...

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

In all cases, you should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Avoid the use of dyed-in-the-wool cliches like the plague; they are old hat.

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

Profanity is for assholes; it sucks.

Usually, you should be more or less specific.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Simplify! How? Eliminate one-word sentences.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms, ya know?

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Run on sentences cause all sorts of problems for readers and people should never use them and must try to write better and divide their sentences.

Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn't.

Hyphenate between sy-
llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.

Use hyphens in compound-words, not just where two-words are related.

Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

It is incumbent on us to eschew archaisms.

Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have snuck in the language.

Don't string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

"Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"

Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.

Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.

a sentence should begin with a capital letter and end with punctuation

In letters compositions reports and things like that use commas to keep a string of items apart.

Vary your words variously so as to use various words.

Use language that includes all men.

Good writers do not use one verb tense in one part of a sentence, and then have switched to a different tense in the next.

Always be looking out for "be" verbs, for they are supplying verbiage all scholars are discouraging.

Use delightful but irrelevant extra adjectives and adverbs with sparing and parsimonious infrequency, for they unnecessarily bloat your otherwise perfect sentence.

Bee careful two use the write homonym.

Beware of malapropisms. They are a communist submersive plot.

Join clauses good like a conjunction should.

Continuity of thought, logical development and smooth transitions are important. Never leave the reader guessing.

Sentences without verbs--bad idea.

Use parallel structure when you write and in speaking.

Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

 

 

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it." -- Dorothy Parker 

 

                                                                                                                                                           

     Mary had a little lamb

     Her father shot it dead.

     Now it goes to school with her,

     Between two chunks of bread. 

 

     Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,

     Her clothes all tattered and torn.

     It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,

     But Little Boy Blue and his horn. 

 

     Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.

     Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,

     What have you got there?

     Said the Pieman unto Simon,

     Pies, you idiot. 

 

     Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

     Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

     All the kings horses and all the kings men,

     Said "Forget him, He's only an egg."

 

    Marry had a little lamb

    A little beef , a little ham

    Many things to fill your belly

    In Mary's little country deli

  

Subject  Greeting  cards... almost!

 What They  don't  print:

 

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

 

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.

When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

 

3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it... She was really ugly.

 

4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help

but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?

 

5. Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

 

6. How could two people as beautiful as you...

Have such an ugly baby?

 

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

 

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...

I never believed in Hell till I met you.

 

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

 

10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...

would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

 

11. Someday I hope to get married...but not to you.

 

12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...

Almost Lifelike!

 

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

 

14. We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?

 

15. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.

 

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

 

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

 

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia and Charlotte Co.)

 

  

 

 

 


 

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Dan Quayle

 

 

     1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

     2) Which country makes Panama hats?

     3) From which animal do we get catgut?

     4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

     Revolution?

     5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

     6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what

     animal?

     7) What was King George VI's first name?

     8) What color is a purple finch?

     9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

 

     All done? Check your answers !

 

     1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years

     2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador

     3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses

     4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October

     Revolution? *November

     5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur

     6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what

     animal? *Dogs

     7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert

     8) What color is a purple finch? *Crimson

     9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand

  

"When they discover the centre of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." -- Bernard Bailey

 

Sports  

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role

     model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to   me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

 

     New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the

     upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards,   whichever comes first."

 

     And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say "I'd run

     over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of      the Raiders said "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

 

     Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,

     John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear  earrings."

 

     Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann,

     1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A  genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

 

     Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

     "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it   takes."

 

     Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys

     line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up   in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

 

     Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again

     with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to  come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not  Princeton."

 

     Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training

     regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets  up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time  it is."

 

     Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,

     explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at  practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know  if I'm going to be an uncle   or an aunt."

 

     Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I

     told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or  apathy?' He said, "'Coach, I don't know and I don't  care.'"

 

     Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting

     what he told a player who received four F's and one D:  "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on  one subject."

 

     Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when

     asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too d____ ugly   to kiss good-bye".

 

 

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it." -- Steven Wright

 

"I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year." -- Charles Dickens 

 

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.- Phyllis Diller 

 

*Christmas Treats*

 

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The punch and the candy, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd not said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself, as I only can

"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

  

 

Kjd's Fractured Christmas Carols 

 

 Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

 

 We three kings of porridge and tar

 

 On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

 

 Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

 

 He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

 

 Noel.  Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

 

 With the jelly toast proclaim

 

 Olive, The other reindeer.

 

 Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

 

 Sleep in heavenly peas

 

 In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse

and brown

 

 You'll go down in listerine

 

 Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

 

 Come, froggy faithful

 

 You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

 

 Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

 

 

 

 

 

     CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

 

     Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

 

     Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

 

     Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

 

     Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

 

     Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and

     Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and

     Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......

 

     Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

 

     Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an

     Open Fire

 

     Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,

     I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

 

     Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells,

     Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

     Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

  

Santa  Riddles

 

What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a

fireplace? Krisp Kringle

 

Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis

 

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph

 

 Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen

 

What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

 

The 4 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't

believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.

 

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

 

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging

about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

 

 How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad

 

 What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

     Frostbite

 

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood

 

 Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

 

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?"- Scott Adams

 

 If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
   through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things...
 

 

Her Bumper Stickers...
   
    ~ I used to be schizophrenic,
    but we're OK now.
   
    ~ If they don't have chocolate in heaven,
    I ain't going.
   
    ~ If you want breakfast in bed,
    sleep in the kitchen.
   
    ~ My husband could have had any women he pleased
    he just couldn't please any!
   
    ~ My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
   
    ~ Don't treat me any differently than
    you would the Queen.
   
    ~ God made us sisters...
    Prozac made us friends.
   
    ~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you
    can't remember anything.
   
    ~ Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
   
    ~ At my age, I've seen it all, done it all,
    heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
   
    ~ Coffee, chocolate, men...
    Some things are just better rich.

 

     Did you know... While both male and female reindeer grow

     antlers in the summer each year, according to the Alaska

     Department of Fish and Game male reindeer drop their antlers

     at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-

     December. Female reindeer retain their antlers  until after

     they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every

     historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single

     one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.

     We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat ol'

     man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and

     not get lost....

 

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered


"1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not contests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

1. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.



1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

 

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach for example, is a fruit,

 

 

 

You're never too old to learn something stupid." -- Anon 

 

"The higher the buildings, the lower the morals." -- Noel Coward 

 

 

Redefinitions:

 

intuition (n.), "knowledge that your salary won't cover the cost of

your children's education."

 

commute (v.) "travel to and from work without speaking."

 

trampoline (n.) "legal claim made on the property of a homeless

person."

 

approbation (n.) "fear of early release from prison."

 

coordinates (n.) "a couple of preachers."

 

grammarian (n.) "well spoken grandmother."

 

defibrillator (n.) "lie detector."

 

ineffable (adj.) " a guaranteed Grade-A term paper."

 

vilification (n.) "the inexorable spread of Greenwich Village."

 

warship (n.) "adoration of the Navy."

 

suffragettes (n.) "cheerleading squad of de Sade High."

 

liturgy (n.) "throwing the sermon on the sidewalk."

 

judicious (adj.) "Passover recipes."

 

bashful (adj.) "being harsh or abusive toward someone."

 

alphabet (n.) "the most aggressive wager on the table."

 

miniscule (adj.) "the odds of minuscule being spelled correctly."

 

chestnut (n.) "a male too interested in the female figure."

 

rebuffs (n.) "polished athletic shoes."

 

kindred (adj.) "fear of family reunions."

 

 

I think the world is run by C students." - Al McGuire

 

By the time we've made it, we've had it."- Malcolm Forbes

 

All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it.
George Bush, US President

It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.
George Bush, US President

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them.
George Bush, US President

 

"Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you."   -Cyril Connolly

 

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."    -Paul Fix

 

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

 

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

 

It was pretty good. Even the music was nice.
Yogi Berra, after attending an opera

 

The big secret is that there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you can get there if you're willing to work."

—Oprah

 

 

So she said

   
   If men can run the world, why can't they stop
   wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
   the day by tying a noose around your neck?
   
   
   Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while
    and it shrinks two sizes!
   
   Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
   like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my  keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
   
   I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
   
   A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She has 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
   
   I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress  are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.  Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
   
   I know what Victoria's Secret is... Nobody older than 30 can
    fit into their stuff.
   
   The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
   nothing (and then they marry him.)

 

 

"Only fools are positive."      -Moe Howard

 

"Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug."  -Jon Lithgow 

 

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

Won't you forgive and forget? 

Your absence is breaking my heart.

I was a fool, nobody can take your place.  I love you.

 

All my love, Brenda

.xxxoooxxxx

P.S.  Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

 

 

 

To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice." -- Ambrose Bierce 

 

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."      -Steven Wright

 

 

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."    -Joe Weinstein

 

  

"Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed."      -W. C. Fields 

 

Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn:

 

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional

to the number of helicopters in it.

 

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a

clear and compelling reason why we observe

daylight-saving time.

 

3. You should never say anything to a woman that

even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant

unless you can see an actual baby emerging from

her at that moment.

 

4. The most powerful force in the universe is:

gossip.

 

5. The one thing that unites all human beings,

regardless of age, gender, religion, economic

status or ethnic background, is that, deep down

inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average

drivers.

 

6. There comes a time when you should stop

expecting other people to make a big deal about

your birthday. That time is: age 11.

 

7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and

"mental illness."

 

8. People who want to share their religious views

with you almost never want you to share yours

with them.

 

9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason

why the human race has not achieved, and never

will achieve, its full potential, that word would

be "meetings."

 

10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized

protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

 

11. If there really is a God who created the entire

universe with all of its glories, and he decides

to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use

as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad

hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

 

12. You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the

waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.

 

14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way

to take it too seriously.

 

15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is

always one individual who perceives a solution and

is willing to take command. Very often, that

individual is crazy.

 

16. Your true friends love you, anyway.

 

17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up

and dance.

 

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."    -Herm Albright

 

 

   Whatever hits the fan will not be
    evenly distributed.
   
   Everyone has a photographic memory...
    Some just don't have film.
   
   Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
   
   Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
   
   By the time you can make ends meet,
    they move the ends.
   
   If the shoe fits...
    buy it in every color.
   
   And if you're too open minded,
    your brains will fall out.
   
   If you look like your passport picture,
    you probably need the trip.
   
   Bills travel through the mail at twice
    the speed of checks.
   
   Men are from earth.
    Women are from earth.
    Deal with it.
   
   A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
   
   Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
    narrowness of the waist change places.

 

  

"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."       -Rita Rudner

 

"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it."   -Rita Mae Brown

  

"A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to." -Granville Hicks

 

"One man's folly is another man's wife."   -Helen Rowland

 

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."- Thomas Szasz 

 

^^~~^^~~^^~~^^~~^^~~^~^~^~~^^~~^^~~^^~~^^~~^^

 

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

 

1. The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other

items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple

children.

 

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

 

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the

Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the

pancake breakfast next Sabbath.

 

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.Please use the back door.

 

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which

the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

 

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

 

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church

and community.

 

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's

Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The

Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to

follow.

 

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

 

11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All

ladies giving milk will please come early.

 

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the

church hall. Music will follow.

 

13. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

 

14. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan

who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

 

15. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak,

mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be

served for a nominal feel.

 

16. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 

17. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

 

18. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One

of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the

Congregation will join in.

 

19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the

addition of several new members and to the deterioration of

some older ones.

 

20. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation

who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

 

 

It was not my class of people. There was not a producer, a press agent, a director, an actor.  Zsa Zsa Gabor, on the jury used in her assault trial

The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
David Garcia, baseball team manager

Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it.
Samuel Goldwyn

Keep a stiff upper chin.
Samuel Goldwyn

This book has too much plot and not enough story.
Samuel Goldwyn

You've got to take the sour with the bitter.
Samuel Goldwyn

We're overpaying him but he's worth it..
Samuel Goldwyn

Don't pay any attention to the critics--don't even ignore them.
Samuel Goldwyn

I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

If you don't disagree with me, how will I know I'm right?
Samuel Goldwyn

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
Samuel Goldwyn

 

"Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner."        -Douglas Adams

 

 

"In democracy its your vote that counts.; In feudalism its your count that votes."        -Mogens Jallberg

 

 

"It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated."        -Alec Bourne

 

 

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice." -- Mark Twain

 

 

What I Want in a Man?, Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

 

What I Want in a Man?, Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens as much as talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

 

 

What I Want in a Man?, Revised List (age 42):

 

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):

 

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers my name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):

 

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):

 

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet……………………………….

 

"Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected."        -Robert Orben

 

 

 

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people." -- F. M. Hubbard 

 

 

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon." -- Woody Allen

 

  

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People. " 

 

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.  

 

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss - the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.  

 

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.  

 

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.  

 

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.  

 

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.  

 

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.  

 

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.  

 

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid.  

 

11. I'm so depressed. My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.  

 

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite.  

 

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex                

 

 

 

 

.

 


*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail
               

 

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