Quotes -  Misquotes - & One Liners

Page  8

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.


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"There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody" -- Adlai Stevenson

 

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." -- W. C. Fields

 

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." -- Fran Lebowitz

  

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."        -Woody Allen

  

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties."- Doug Larson

 

 

 You know you're getting older when:
   
    ~
The little gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
   
    ~ You're startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer."
   
    ~ You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
   
    ~ You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.
   
    ~ Your sink your teeth into a steak and they get stuck.
   
    ~ Dialing long distance wears you out.
   
    ~ When you go to get your hair cut... in your ears.
   
    ~ You go to the beauty shop so they can touch up those gray hairs... on your chin.
   
    ~ It comes to you today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary. 

 

 

  

"New and Improved!"?   

If it's "New," it's not improved. 

If it's "Improved," it's not new

 

 

Caution ---- PG13  --- they talk about      S E X

 

Sex  Quotes

 

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." * Steve Martin

 

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." * Woody Allen

 

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." * Rodney Dangerfield

 

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." * Lynn Lavner

 

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." * Matt Barry

 

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." * Camille Paglia

 

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. Th e other eight are unimportant." * George Burns

 

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." * Sharon Stone

 

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading." * Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

 

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods

 

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." * Jack Nicholson

 

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." * Barbara Bush  

 

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin w ord meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." * Robin Williams

 

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." * Roseanne

 

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." * Billy Crystal

 

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." * Robert De Niro

 

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" * Dustin Hoffman

 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" * Jerry Seinfeld

 

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." * Rod Stewart

 

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams

 

   

 "Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."   
    ~ Bob Hope
   

   
   "I have everything I had twenty years ago - except that it is now all lower."   
    ~ Gypsy Rose Lee
   

   
   "It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen."   ~ Brigitte Bardot
   


   
   "At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgment. " Benjamin Franklin
   


   
   "Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it."   ~ Golda Meir
   
 


   
   "Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative."    ~ Maurice Chevalier
   
   


   
   "The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom."
 H. L. Mencken

 


   
   "The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."   Lucille Ball
   

 

   
   "Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."   ~ Charles Schultz

 

   
   "Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been." ~ Mark Twain
   
 


   
   "The longer I live, the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time." George Bernard Shaw

 

 

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into  nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes   easy."    ~ Albert Einstein

 

 

Getting caught is the mother of invention."- Robert Byrne

 

 

I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence." -- Gary Trudeau

  

 "No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy."   Henry Kissinger

 

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places." -- E. Joseph Crossman

 

 

"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad  for you!"    -Tommy Smothers

 

 

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done." -- Fred Allen

 

 

   "Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it."      ~ Mark Twain

 


 

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down,  was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."        -Groucho Marx

 


   
 "If at first you don't succeed... don't try skydiving." - Anon

  

 

"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it."     -Gordon R. Dickson 

 

 

  These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian  Tourism Website - a Melbourne University Tourism Studies Major  working in the summer holidays answered....

 

     1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen  it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

    A: We import  all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

 

     2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

    A: Depends how much you've been drinking

 

     3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the  railroad tracks? (Sweden)

    A: Sure, it's only three thousand  miles, take lots of water...

 

     4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?  (Sweden)

        A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

 

     5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of  places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

         A: Let's not   touch this one.

 

     6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you   send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and   Hervey Bay? (UK)

    A: What, did your last slave die of?

 

     7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in  Australia?(USA)

        A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped  continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in     the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it.   Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

 

     8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

        A: Face  south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here  and we'll send the rest of the directions.

 

     9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

    A: Why? Just  use your fingers like we do.

 

     10.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

     A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-many, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

 

11. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

     A: You are a  British politician, correct?

 

     12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of  youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

     A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

 

     13. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

    A: No, WE  don't stink.

 

     14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Australia where the  female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

     A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

 

     15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

    A:  Only at Christmas.

 

     16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

    A: Not  yet, but for you, we'll import them.

 

     17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available    all year round? (Germany)

        A: No, we are a peaceful  civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

 

     18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can  dispense rattlesnake serum.(USA)

        A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes  are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good  pets.

 

     19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia,   but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.  (USA)

         A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because  they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone  walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying  yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

 

     20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to  contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

        A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

 

     21. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)

           A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

 

 

 

  Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.


   
   "Marriage is neither heaven nor hell;    it is simply purgatory."    ~ Abraham Lincoln

   
   A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband...
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


   
   A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
   A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


   
   To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
   To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


   
   Any married man should forget his mistakes...   there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


   
   A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
   A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


   
   There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand  a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

   
   
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.


   
   A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


   
   The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


   
   Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.


   
   Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 20 grand.


   
   In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.    In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.   In the third year, they both speak, and the neighbors listen.
   

 

. 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering

what the hell happened to your bra.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you

are whispering when you are not.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in

dancing like a retard.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell

your friends over and over again that you love them.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think

you can sing.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe

that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at

four in the morning.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you

can logically converse with members of the opposite sex

without spitting.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you

have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in your getting your ass kicked.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over

in the morning and see something really scary.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of

inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion

that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance

in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

 

!WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy 

 

.

 

 

 

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think   I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ...  Oh boy!  Fish flakes!"

 

  

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

  

 

  "I just recently had my Visa card stolen... Right now it's everywhere I want to be."   
    ~ Scott Wood

  

 

Don't get excited about a tax cut. It's like a mugger giving you back fare for a taxi." 
    ~ Arnold Glasow

 
   


 Irish Blessings

   
    May the road rise to meet you,
   
    May the wind be always at your back
   
    May the sun shine upon your face
   
    The rains fall soft upon your fields
   
    And, until we meet again,
   
    May god hold you in the palm of His hand

 

 

 May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead!

  

May your troubles be as few and as far apart as my Grandmothers teeth.
   
 

   
   Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

     Real rocks are too heavy.
   

  

"If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work." George Carlin

 

 

 An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
   
   A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
   
   An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
   
   A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
   
   A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
   
   A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
   
   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
   
   A economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
   
   A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
   
   A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
   
   A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
   
   An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
   
   A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
   
   A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

 

  

"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."        -Douglas Adams

  

"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them."     -Lily Tomlin

  

 "I have often depended on the blindness of strangers."     -Adrienne E. Gusoff

  

 There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else."- Cullen Hightower

 

 Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it."     -Christopher Morley

 

 

Kitchen Plaques

 

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ...  Adjust!

 

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

 

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

 

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

 

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

 

 Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

 

Ring bell for maid service.  If no answer, do it yourself!

 

I clean house every other day.  Today is the other day.

 

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.

 

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

 

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

 

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

 

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

 

My next house will have no kitchen ...  just vending machines.

 

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

 

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

 

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

 


   
   Clean enough to be healthy,   but dirty enough to be happy


   
   
   If you don't like my standards of cooking...    Lower your standards.


   

   
   My house doesn't always look like this.    Some days it's even worse.


   
   Help keep the kitchen clean.    EAT OUT!


 

 

  

    An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
   
    Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
   
    Be nice to your kids; they will choose your nursing home.
   
    Celibacy is not hereditary.
   
    Familiarity breeds children.
   
    For adult education, nothing beats children.
   
    A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
      
    Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
   
    If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. 

    If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! 

    Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

     The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

     Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.

     The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~and hide the keys to the car.

     Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

     The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

     Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

     Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so hecan tell when he's really in trouble.

     Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

     There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

     Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

     Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

     Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

     There are only two things a child will share willingly:  communicable diseases and his mother's age.

     Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

     An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More CHURCH BULLETINs

 

*Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...

 

*The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the final secretary gave a grief report.

 

*We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing

"Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."

 

*This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.

 

*This blooper showed up on the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada:

"In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."

 

*Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.

 

*Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth

 

*Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

 

*Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

 

*The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle.

The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.

 

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

 

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

 

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.

 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that  you tried.

 

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

_________________________________________________________

 

 

"Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke." -Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

 

 

The shortest distance between two points is under construction."      -Noelie Altito

 

 

"I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."        -Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman

 

 

"When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained."        -Edward R. Murrow

 

 

"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election."        -Bill Vaughan

 

 

"There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income."    -Edmund Wilson

 

 

 

Questions Asked of Staff in Banff National Park, Alberta, Canada

 

     How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the Elk Crossing signs?

 

     Are the bears with collars tame?

 

     Are there birds in Canada?

 

     Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

 

     How far is Banff from Canada?

 

     When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

 

     Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

 

     Is it okay to keep a bag of bacon on the picnic table, or  should I store it in my tent?

 

     Don't you Canadians know anything?

 

     When did you build the glaciers?

 

     Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

 

     Where can I buy a raccoon hat? All Canadians own one, don't they?

 

     So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles?

 

     Is that two kilometers by foot or by car?

 

     At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

 

     What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

 

 

 

"For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."- Bob Wells

 

 

"Life is something that everyone should try at least once."        -Henry J. Tillman

 

 

  "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."    ~ Robert A. Heinlein

 

  

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."        -Noel Coward

 

  

Modern Financial Terms, Explained:

   
   "BUY, BUY" -- A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.


   
   BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex
   


   BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


   
   BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.


   
   CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


   
   CEO -- chief embezzlement officer.


   
   CFO -- corporate fraud officer.
   


   EBIT -- earnings before irregularities and tampering.


   
   EPS -- eventual prison sentence.


   
   FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
   


   INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Prior year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
   


   MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.


   
   MOMENTUM INVESTING -- The fine art of buying high and selling low.


   
   NAV -- normal Andersen valuation.


   
   P/E -- parole entitlement.


   
   P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


   
   PROFIT -- Religious guy who talks to God.


   
   STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


   
   STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


   
   STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally...between themselves.
   


   VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. 

 

  

 

"I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away."      -Oscar Levant 

 

 

"A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it."     -Sir Thomas Beecham

  

"Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion."        -Robertson Davies

 

"The trouble with my wife is that she has a wait problem.  Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait.""        -Rodney Dangerfield

 

 

   I like your approach. Now let's see your departure.
   
    - - - - - - - - - -
   
   Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.
    - - - - - - - - - -
   
   I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
   
    - - - - - - - - - -
   
   No one ever stumbled onto anything worthwhile sitting down.
   
    - - - - - - - - - -
   
   A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
   
    - - - - - - - - - -
   
   Worry: The interest you pay on trouble before it comes.
   
    - - - - - - - - - -
   
   "Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them."
   
    - - - - - - - - - -
   
    
   Never give the Devil a ride, (S)He will always want to drive.
   
    - - - - - - - - - -
   
   "We have two ends - one to sit on and the other to think with... Success depends on which one you use the most... Heads you win, Tails you lose."

 

 

 

  

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth."         -Lenin

 

 

"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment."        -Robert Benchley

 

 

"The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath."        -Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

 

 

"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."   Albert Einstein

 

 

History American Style  

 

Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.


   
   Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
   


   The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
   


   Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.


   
   Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
   


   Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

 

 


   

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

 

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

 

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

 

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

 

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

 

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

 

 

 

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face." -- Dave Barry

  

 

 

Fractured Latin  

 

"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum  pantorum."

(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)

 

"Domino vobiscum."

(The pizza guy's here.)

 

"Sharpei diem."

(Seize the Wrinkled Dog.)

  

"Motorolus interruptus."

(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)

 

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus."

(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)

 

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."

(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

 

"Tempo Waturim."

(I drove my Ford off a bridge.)

 

"Litigata Ergo Sum."

(I sue, therefore I am.)

 

"Et tu, pluribus unum?"

(The government just stabbed me in the back!)

 

"Cavett Emptor."

(Beware, Dick Cavett could still make a comeback.)

 

 

 

  

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do."         -Olin Miller

  

 

"War is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory." -Georges Clemenceau

 

 

"Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral."    -Robert Orben

  

    

     At age  4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

     At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

     At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

     At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

     At age 35 success is . . . having money.

     At age 50 success is . . . having money.

     At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

     At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

     At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

     At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

 

 

 

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...

 

 

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

 

 

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.

 

 

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the dog-gone-est time for a guy to get those odds?

 

 

 

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

 

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,he's too old to go anywhere.

 

 

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,and have begun to grow in the middle.

 

 

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

 

 

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

 

 

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

 

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

  

 

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

 

 

 

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

  

 

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker, and you can't get it started.

 

 

 

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

 

 

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

 

  

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

 

 

 

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

 

 

 

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

 

  

   "Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment  prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five  years Americans would be the smartest race of  people on Earth."    ~ Will Rogers
   

 


   
   Women over 50 don't have babies because they would   put them down and forget where they left them.


   
   Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone  in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.


   
   Sometimes I think I understand everything,    then I regain consciousness.


   
   One of life's mysteries: How can a 2 pound box of candy  make a woman gain 5 pounds?


   
   The best way to forget all your troubles  is to wear tight shoes.


   
   The nice part about living in a small town is that  when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.


   
   My mind not only wanders, it sometimes  leaves completely.


   
   The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight  because by then, your body and your fat are really  good friends.


   

  

"I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years."        -Samuel Goldwyn

 

 

Experience: That sinking feeling that you have made  this mistake before.
   

 

 

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally  insane in order to gain control of your estate." ~ Woody Allen

 

 

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." -- Dave Barry

  

 

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."        -Erica Jong

  

 

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."        -Jimmy Demaret

  

 

"Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians." -Chester Bowles

  

 

"I would rather understand one cause than be King of Persia."--Democritus of Abdera

 

   

At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper,   look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."    ~ Patrick Moore

 

 

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."    ~ Will Rogers

 

 

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation." -- Kin Hubbard

 

 

 

 

?

 

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?


   
   When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
   


   Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?


   
   Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?


   
   If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


   
   If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


   
   Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
   


   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread anyway!
   


   If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
   


   If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
   


   Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
   


   Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 

 

 

 

 

Things That Irritate A Sane Person

 

*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.....

 

*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.....

 

*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.....

 

*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.....

 

*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.....

 

*It's bad enough that you step in dog doo doo, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.....

 

*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.....

 

*There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING...

 

*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came...

 

*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.....

 

*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.....

 

*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.....

 

*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.....

 

*A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio, but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.....

 

*There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.....

 

*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.....

 

*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.....

 

*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.....

 

*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.....

 

*The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that.....

 

*You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.....

 

*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.....

 

*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.....

 

*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.....

 

*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.....

 

*You had that pen in your hand only a second , a second ago, and now you can't find it.....

 

*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.....

 

 

  

  "My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it." Buddy Hackett
   

.


   
   alpha geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.


   
   blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.


   
   chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
   


   chips & salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.
   


   cube farm: An office filled with cubicles.
   


   idea hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generator running.
   


   mouse potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
   


   prairie dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.


   
   sitcoms: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.


   
   stress puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
   


   swiped out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
   


   tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."


   
   treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
   


   xerox subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

.


   

 


      
   After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
   

 

   Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?
   


   If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?


   
   Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

 


   
   When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? 

 
   Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

 

 

                                                                                                 .

 

 

     You Know You Are Living In The Year 2003 When...

    

 

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.

    

 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

    

 3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

    

 4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

    

 5. Every commercial on television has web site address at the bottom of the screen.

    

 6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid.

   

  7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

    

 8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

   

  9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

    

 10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

    

 11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet (or the pool table).

    

 12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it Notes.

    

 13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

    

 14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

    

 15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awfulfeeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

    

 16. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

    

 17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

    

 18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)

    

19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

    

 20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to...

 

 

 


*  Please note - to the best of my knowledge all of these entries are in the public realm and are accurately reproduced and attributed. If you notice an error please let me know how to correct it . If you have something  that should be included please send an e-mail with that material.  Please do not send copy-written material .Thanks - Gordon -      use this link >    E-Mail
               

 

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